Wednesday, December 17, 2008

up up up

i stood on tippy-toe
trying my best to touch the sky
and get a lil piece of that sunshine
that radiates from on high

a hand touched my hand
i started to reach higher
my heart filled with joy
was i going to meet the Messiah?

felt like i was floating
as my weights became so light
i gazed at the wonders of heaven
that was bewitching my eye-sight

how can anyone doubt Him
or stray about from his word?
when i look upon this beautiful earth
and the wonders of His world

i stood on tip-toe this morning
but i never imagined such glory
i could've just kept this blessing to myself
'stead i decided to share this story
of God's goodness.

thank you.

what will wednesday bring?

today i'm giving thanks for blessings.

Tuesday, December 16, 2008


it's been a while
since i took the time
to rhyme..
been feeling
all over the place
and up and down
God, where are you?
i've felt so alone
not even my faith kept me steady
and these loads that i carry seem so heavy..
and now i don't even know
what to do..
God, where are you?
are you listening to me?
i've strayed and i haven't prayed for days...
this isn't how i thought my story would read
and i'm getting mixed up 'tween my wants and my needs
i'm looking for a more positive point of view
God....where are you?
i've been feeling so so blue
and walking away from your light
i've even lost the urge to write
it's so hard to reach out to you when i feel so low
so worried that you might let me let go...of you
even though i know you're always there
God...give me the strength i need to persevere
i know you won't give me more than i can carry
i beseech you...breathe life into a soul that is weary
and traveling with a heavy heart.

thank you.

it's been a while but i'm starting to feel it in my fingers....

Thursday, November 27, 2008

spreading the love i feel a lil weird about doing this yet i feel really good at the same time :)

my blog was nominated by the talented L.M Ross as “Über Amazing!” and it is my duty to pay it forward by listing 5 blogs that have lent to my growth through inspiration and enlightenment.


Honorable mention goes to Free Spirit (who does not blog anymore but who was there with me from the beginning)

big up and nuff respect!

Wednesday, November 19, 2008

it begins...

spiritual Saviour, send soothing psalms over

calm my creative core with cool coconut water blessings
sensor my ears from the verbal viciousness vaporizing my atmosphere
mentor my mouth with lyrics of heavenly manna
may my eyes eagerly engage in the enchantment of this earth
let me taste the testament that is the truth of your word
mold my mind with the miracle of your message...

can i seek forgiveness for my foolish favours?
and as i expect, let me forgive my neighbours

help me to..
lend love where it is absent..
shine light where there is darkness..
take time to listen where there are too many voices..
help me to help others, help themselves..

guide me
govern my being
graciously accept my apology for being a sinner

spiritual Saviour, send soothing songs over
calm my creative character with healing cocoa butter
that i may serve you Holistically, Divinely and Unconditionally..

thank you.

my mind and soul have been in need of some healing and tonight i feel like i have what it takes to make the necessary changes...

..a dear friend of mine reminded me on
Sunday to never forget to be thankful for everything (thanks Sueann) and i find i have strayed from my thankful ways..

today i am thankful for all of my beautiful friends who help paint the picture that is me...
i am thankful for life, countless
opportunities and the capacity to start over ever time or try again..
i am thankful for love, family, food, clothing and shelter and i am thankful for this world we live in, granted it's a far cry from utopia it is as God sees it, so i
appreciate it...


Saturday, November 08, 2008

this one is Called..

is it possible
to love God and a Man
without a gold band
on my left hand?
and knowingly
live in sin
when i don't even know where this is going?
is it possible
to make the ultimate sacrifice
and watch him walk out
of my life
cause i am tired
of putting him before God?
this is hard...
the decisions we make
not knowing which path
we should take
the struggle between the spirit
and the body
and i've always been somebody's
somebody but when
the trials and temptations come
i have nobody...

...but God.

thank you.

i have a lot of thoughts running through my head and i must fight against my temptations...i know i am stronger than this...i think i need to pray and leave it with God, cause it seems like no one else is willing to take my fears..!

Monday, October 27, 2008

good vs evil.

satan tries
satan lies
satan tempts
satan vents
satan sneaks
satan creeps
satan bleeds
satan's greed
satan's pills
satan kills
satan steals
satan weasels
satan hates
satan baits
satan grabs
satan nabs
satan destroys
satas foils
satan's hell
satan's bottomless well
satan scars
satan mars
satan takes
satan breaks
satan goes
satan's woes
satan robs
satan mobs
satan is a loser...
...but God!

God is
God lives
God does
God Loves
God gives
God sacrifices
God's Hands
God understands
God hears
God cares
God feeds
God's needs
God unifies
God bides
God feels
God heals
God kneels
God seals
God holds
God's gold
God teaches
God reaches
God plans
God opens
God starts
God's heart
God is the beginning
Let Him be your ending.

thank you.

i was having a hard day until i signed in and saw something that made me smile..

the hardest thing is to know, i strongly believe in that phrase because if you don't know then you can't take any action, make any (my job) is hard and it constantly tests my faith. Satan is everywhere and ever busy, doesn't he ever get tired? then i'm stuck with my own paradox..while i tell myself over and over that when one door closes another one opens and that God little voice has been telling me for weeks to "get out" of my job and i haven't had the guts to fear... fear that i won't land on my feet, that that door won't open like i believe, that my bills won't go on hold until i find my true mission..everything. and i must admit that i'm scared.

but again the hardest thing is to know. now i know and i need God more now than ever....what to do?

i was having a hard day until i signed in and saw something that made me smile...

...thank you.

Sunday, October 19, 2008

i made it!! (to today)

beautiful sun
radiating sunbeams of glory
God and all His awesomeness

is my favorite bedtime story

trials and temptations

and doubting "Thomases
he has never yet failed me

and has kept all of His promises

how excellent is His name

when spoken with righteous lips

and made from the earth

and plucked from a rib
he keeps my soul dancing
in the early morning

and calms my spirit daily

until twilight's dawning

and when i lay me down
at night
i rest my weary head

knowing the grace of God

has me
well fed.

thank you.

today will be an awesome day as i have the power to control my thoughts and actions. though temptations may follow me i'll keep them in the background cause i have more profound reason to give my best. i'm blessed, so blessed and sometimes i wonder why me? but i won't question God and his originality i will just try to be....a good servant.

been feeling a bit burnt out recently, feels like i am living to work, instead of working to live. the former speaks to my life being void of prayers and praise and more on hours and bills. i don't like it but i have myself to blame who else but me can efficiently manage my time?

....balance. i'm a Libra and i can't find the balance. it troubles me.

a friend of mine suggested to me earlier this week that i should dedicate at least 5-10 minutes of alone time for talking with God and i haven't even made the effort. i will do that shortly.

with each day i feel even more thankful, thankful for eyes that can see the morning sun..

Monday, October 13, 2008

i write for a reason

..i too
choose to listen
dance with the wind
i don't mind second place
i just wanna all
i don't mind atall
holding the door for you
letting you take me seat
and i definitely don't care
if you're packing heat
see..i'm sweet and tender
and full of sugar
and i'd melt the tips
of an iceberg
with my words.
no..but i don't wanna sound
cocky luckily i have
God! he grounds me
fills me sustains me
delivers me from adversity
so i wanna give a shout out
to Him for through Him
i have found eternity.

thank you.

i guess it's something that comes with growing...growing in all facets be it spiritual, mental, individual, physical even sexual. it comes and stays and you either have to deal with it head on or ignore it and let it stay there undernourished.

i guess i used to be embarrassed, i felt like my messages were so hmmmm, corny, ordinary "undeep", man just weak, and i never wanted to open myself up to criticism. plus i was fearful of who i knew was watching me. why? i don't know. but i guess i've grown.

i've changed in the sense that i am open now to other people, other words, other points of view. i am open to listening and getting the courage to voice my opinions. i'm not ashamed to learn from others and i think that has been the most exciting part...learning from people who have been filling voids that i didn't even know existed. i am filled with gladness when i think of the doors and avenues this new point of view has led me too..

so to all that pass through, to those that allow me to see you and your points of view and influence and shape my thinking...thank you.

Saturday, October 04, 2008

wiser too!!


I woke up a different woman this morning
Different to the woman that closed her eyes to sleep
What a beautiful surprise the sunrise was
Removing the shades of darkness
I watched the sun creep towards the bed
Towards my body, massaging me into the day
And I felt like I could handle whatever came my way
I feel like I can be that woman that I long to be
I feel free to decide and free to pray
And today I am praying for forgiveness
I woke up this morning and I was a different woman
A blessed woman, a woman with potential
I don’t know who that was that closed her eyes to sleep
But like the blind she has opened her eyes to see
That life is beautiful.
And she can be

thank you.

be careful what you wish for..

yesterday was my birthday and i spent the entire morning and some of the afternoon at an accident site and the police station. i got into an accident at 9:30 a.m. and while i was not the one at fault in a way i am connected to this scene. all morning i was cursing the fact that i had to go to work, saying over and over that i wish i didn't have to go and thinking of excuses so that i could leave early. i basically "spoke" this accident into my life by focusing on it so much both mentally and verbally.

and it is true, what you speak into your life can come true, sometimes in ways that you wouldn't even imagine. what you say of others as well, you can speak negativity into someone else's life, that's why nowadays i am so cautious of what i think to myself and say of/to others. training myself to have positive uplifting thoughts. it's a work in progress.

i am thankful that no one got hurt yesterday, thankful for another year, for life, family and friendships. i can achieve anything as long as i always put God first!!

Monday, September 15, 2008

who am i, what and why?

when i am
around you i
like to pretend
and hold my breath
hoping you'll meet me
around the bend.
and when you
turn to leave my
side i wish and hope and
pray that through the thick
the thin the in-between your
footsteps will guide my way.

thank you.

God is awesome and Vanya means gracious gift of God and it goes back to what the pastor says "this life God gave us is a gift". gifts can come in all sizes, all patterns and shapes but they're gifts nonetheless and they need to be valued and appreciated. today Vanya wants to stop complaining as much and start shining more...

Nicky is missing and i am praying and hoping that she comes home soon or if someone took her that they can find it in their hearts to bring her back. you can get so attached to animals and it's amazing how thoughts of her being missing consumed my being all day. but i have faith in God's will and i know it will be well however it turns out.

a little tired today, a kind of fatigue that my usual coffee could not shake, i can't wait to get home, put on some Marvin Gaye and breeze...

i ain't apologizin'....

Saturday, August 30, 2008

a grown woman...

there was a hint of sweetness
in your voice
said i was on your mind
and i blushed
was i? was i really?
brought a smile to my face
yes....yes you did
that you were thinking of me
made me wonder
how often do you....
think of me?


today was a nice day. i feel good and i feel like my confidence is coming back. looking forward to tonight.

i loved him. nuff said!

i can't wait for my trip, i think it is just what i need, a week in NY while fall is slowly creeping in, and i can finally take a trip that feels like a shopping! just parks and museums and plays and movies, oh and relaxation. i can't wait to see my grandparents again...i miss them

i think i will also look for a job (just to keep my options open)

praise and meditation and then he came...

Thursday, August 21, 2008

she has no time

do you see
you are a beautiful
human being?
soft snow honey dew skin
with the framework of an
architect's kin?
lips lovingly laced with words
that are traced over my heart
can't you are
a work of art?
sculpted by the hands
of our great God - such imperfections
makes my soul applaud
who amongst us can say
that they are not without sin
don't be afraid to recognize
the beauty you possess within.
and shine...

thank you.

it's been a while but i feel good and positive and i just can't wait to fall again but i'll definitely take my time :)

Monday, August 11, 2008

Thursday, July 31, 2008

no joy

i have tried for the last few months to make you as miserable as i feel and now i've succeeded i am not even enjoying the moment...does it even make sense?....inevitability slowly creeps in....

Wednesday, July 23, 2008

the mood is.

i've been having some strange feelings recently when it comes to love. limitations i guess. i've always heard that you should love the one you can't live i want that though? do i want to be so enamored with someone that i can't live without them, my life stops when they leave or that i stay in a situation that is not good for me? no, no i can't do that...not again. so then am i loving as i should? am i giving wholeheartedly, am i being true to love but then wanting to be love unconditionally when i know i might be holding back?

i always used to say circumstances made me what i am meaning that i am how i am because of my life events but then i get on my couch and counsel people in letting go the weights from the past. i feel within myself that i can handle any heartbreak that may come my way because i got over my first real love but i could just be blowing smoke as well. it's one of those situations that you won't know until you know i guess.

but i know i am lacking something but i just can't figure out if it is a lacking that i am the cause of or if this is the reason. i want to care about something so passionately that just thinking about it gives me goose bumps but i am afraid that some circumstances have left me empty and numb...and i hate it. i hate not feeling.

slow beats to quick steps
warms winds to cool your chest
sunset moans to sundown moans to sunset
reggae to old dub to ragga soca to bashment
whether with friends acquaintances family
sorrow sighs to laughter to Love's memory
wherever there is wind to run with the music
the mood is however you make it
so..make it...

thank you.

Saturday, July 19, 2008

i'm a star (how can i not shine?)

i've been shining my light on you
slowly etching my warm rays towards you
wishing for you dreams that come through
honey brown eyes that view...
only things that are beautiful
blessings that are overflowing and bountiful
surrounded by a family that is wonderful...
and supportive.
and me glowing with the knowledge that
when it comes to matters of the heart
we are working on the same art
and that you finish the words that i start
that you are in my poems and rhymes
i mean, i'm a star...

thank you.

feelings come and go, but some seem to hang around for a long time...and on a day like today...i don't mind at all :). thank you for being my life line.

ppffttt!#$%^&@ you're so eeeeek! i seriously have to stop answering the phone when you call...seriously!

i've been thinking about children a lot recently..maybe it's all the baby-sitting i've been doing but i can't wait to be a nervous at the same time...when will i know that i'm ready?...will i have a faithful and committed man by my side to father my children and see it through to the end?...i don't want to create a broken home for my how do you know when it's right? i pray God puts me/keeps me in a relationship that he knows is blessed...cause when it comes to matters of the heart....i usually follow my heart over my mind.

i got de festival feva!!!!

Sunday, July 13, 2008

writing therapy

i am weak not strong
figures why i can't keep my feet on the ground
sounds the way i sing that same old song
i've been held down for so long
i take full responsibility for not moving on
but i yearn to love the one i hang around
i want the sun to shine on this one
i want us to be that happy him and her noun
i want it to be rumoured all over town
how much they all see that we belong
but i am too weak and he is too young
and i don't know where the love has gone
recently, i've been missing the sun..

thank you.

i got my old hard drive back!!!!! granted no more laptop (for now) but at least i got my files back, i feel like i can breathe again and hopefully i'll pick up some inspiration from my old rhymes...bout time.

i get so frustrated sometimes, i have no idea how i truly feel. how do i feel????? i can't make any decisions about my future if i don't even know myself...sometimes i feel like i'm the only one but no, i can't be.

you're confusing me...i think you're best left where you the PAST!!!

i am mellowing and learning to have patience, mama told me this morning, leave it with God. so i will.


Monday, July 07, 2008

sometimes i'm afraid of things i cannot see too

i miss my laptop, i really do. it's like my days are spent idling away with nothing of significance to do...depending on other ppl's devices to surf, man it's getting depressing.

is it me or is it hotter than usual nowadays, i've been sweating in all regions (lol) recently, most evenings i can't wait to go home, shower and just relax

.....i've lost my inspiration to write. nothing has been coming to me, and all of my poems are stuck on my old laptop which we can't seem to be able to get into.....

bored at work.

Thursday, July 03, 2008

love is as love does...

he treats you like a boy
frowns when you don't act like a man
damn! he could as well've circumcised you
with his bare hands...

i hope you grow to be more than he ever is.
(with or without me)

Wednesday, July 02, 2008

what a beautiful surprize sunrise is to those who've lived in darkness.....

raindrops outside my window
like the tears that soak my heart
so much confusion in such an empty space
it's like we're worlds apart

i want you to be a beautiful
i want to see all your dreams come true
tonight, tonight, i wish upon a star....
i want the sun to shine on you

thank you.

today will be a wonderful day, i've finished my article and i feel good about that and i want to be able to reach one of my clients today in a more powerful way. in a way that when they walk out of my door their mind's a-twirling at the theories and notions proposed and that they embrace their possibilities.....they can be so much more than what they can even conceive.

i too have to start believing in me more, freal....i've been at a standstill.

love is as love does.....

Sunday, June 29, 2008

...i keep....

i have to laugh......cause i don't wanna cry
i gotta live.......cause i don't wanna die
i must keep going.....cause i'm searching for joy
the joy in my heart.......even if for a second
even if it's a lie.....cause i can't handle the truth.

thank you.

i keep holding onto something that cannot fulfill me.

i keep wondering what my next move should be?

i keep wondering what lies ahead of me?

i keep wondering "is that all there is?"

Thursday, June 26, 2008

thought that you were wise but you were otherwise

i'm turning into a woman
i don't even recognize
it isn't true what
they say about 9 lives
my 6th, 7th and 8th died
at the same time. so now
i'm down to my last life line

and all those tales i'm realizing
are all lies...

thank you.

i'm having a great week, dinner on monday was great and sex and the city was worth the wait definitely, i got some fashion hints for sure and this year it will be on!

second doubts, third doubts, you name it, i'm having it.


Monday, June 23, 2008

who's been asking 'bout me?

he brushed my sleeve
and now i can't breathe
damn! why did he have to touch me?
i am jonesing....

thank you.

what a wonderful week-end, my cousin got married and the ceremony was just awesome, man, i have the blueprint in my head now for my future husband.

happy birthday nef! dinner should be nice tonite.

now me being the big critic that i am and leaning more towards neo-soul rap i am totally surprised at how much i am loving lil weezy's album, track 2, track 7, track 8 (robin thicke hellooooo) track 10 yeah yeah!!! feeling it, feeling it. he's no kanye but he's weezy baBY!!!!

so i started my new diet today, not diet to lose weight of course but to build muscle and have a healthier intake. i am loving it so much, wasn't too sure about the oats in the morning but they're not that bad and it's giving me a chance to practice my cooking since certain people keep saying i can't cook. but seriously cooking is over-rated lol

hoping to draw positivity closer to me this week.

i am strengthening.....

Thursday, June 12, 2008


i woke up this morning not sure how i was gonna face today but it was just too beautiful to let waste away and instead of spending my time bluesin' i decided to spend some time singing....and i know i can't sing but man i was singing today everything from des'ree to marvin gaye

now i feel better.....

Friday, June 06, 2008

me, myself and misery

i feel miserable today, where is the joy that consumed me yesterday?

i don't know what i want anymore, i was so sure that this was where i should be but now, uncertainty, hmmmm, i think i'll take it to the Lord in prayer. i never in my life imagined it would be this hard to find a good job when i moved back, now i have regrets? i don't know. but for the rest of the day i'll try to think happy thoughts. and it's not that i don't like the job i have now, i was blessed when i found it but now i'm feeling a bit under-valued. but is that what i want? do i want recognition? i don't know what i want and that is the problem.

and with stress comes my acne, it's getting back as bad as it was before and that alone is depressing, i'm finally becoming more social and going out but now i feel to hide in my house. at least my animals love me :)

i really haven't been as creative as i should be and i miss NY. (and yes justin you're right, i'm too whiny)

i am misery wrapped in something slender yet i am always pointing fingers, hmmm, i need to check my phalanges.

Thursday, June 05, 2008

Jill Scott is Beautiful......

oh man i have been blessed to watch one of the best movies i have seen in a while, awe man, being black is wonderful. if you haven't yet then you have to watch why did i get married? i loved EVERYTHING about it, it was soulful, it was sad, it was joyous, it was everything and it has moved me to writing.

firstly, when i compare the good to the bad, (and trust me there is some bad/unbearable/miserable/i could go on lol) the good shines more and i'm thankful for the good times and i'm thankful for you. nuff said. besides i'm imperfect myself.

i love love my girlfriends and i wouldn't change any of them for the world, even the ones that've hurt me, left me, betrayed me, i still love you wherever you are cause i haven't always been the best either and i know each one of you were there for me in some way during my sad times. i think i need to let you gals know how much you really mean to me more.

sidebar - why are my eyes filling with H2O? hmmmmmm

being black is beautiful
being black is beautiful
being black is beautiful
black is beautiful.....

i am going to bed a blessed woman :)

Wednesday, June 04, 2008

today i'm celebrating being black....

i read a really interesting article in the sunday sun about being black. how can you tell how black someone is if they were born of a white mother and spent 9 months being in a white woman and so forth. i immediately remembered this poem i read years ago that started off "being black is a state of mind......" how do we tell who is truly black, by their skin colour? by how they act? you always hear how black someone is getting on, how some white rappers feel they're black based on the way they spit and i'm like eh? so then what is it?

am i more black than a person who might have a white mother or father? am i more black than what bajans would call a high red person? am i more black because i like wrap skirts and i wear oils? am i not black because i listen to "white music" (what is that?) am i blacker because i identify with the african diaspora? hmmmm, i have so many questions as a "black" woman, a coloured if i'm coloured would that make everyone else colourless? or are they coloured as well?

i don't know, being black seems to be difficult, being black means that i have to take offence when someone other than another "black" person says 'nigga' hey, let's abolish the word to begin with. granted i am guilty of using it too but no more, i've become more negro conscious. being 'black' means that i should support OJ even if he is guilty. being 'black' means that i deserve affirmative action as that is my only hope of 'making it'. man being black gives me a headache sometimes.

but i have no complaints. this whole black thought is what drives and sustains me. it gives me an identity and a history and pushes me forward constantly and it's not a bother at all.

besides everyone always likes my tan.....

black is...
black is how i like my coffee in the morning
black used to be the colour of my heart's mourning
now it's bright yellow...

black is mellow and fierce at the same time
black is the ink of the pen which writes my rhymes
black is bad? uh uh, to me, never looked more good
black is the shape of motherhood

black smells like rich cocoa on winter evenings
black is my soul radiating from within
damn! black is what's happening!

if black is beautiful then everything else must be ugly
it must suck to be a different colour than me.
hey, what colour are you?

i am evolving and i am thankful for all the rain, my tree needed it.

Monday, June 02, 2008

black and white

right before i step up to the mic
seconds before i hit the stage
you're there trying to pull me down?
don't you ever get tired of being so negative?

there's no more room for you here
you're lease has expired get out
i have the joy of chorus in my heart
and there is no longer any room for self-doubt.

so i had to buss a rhyme but i'm sorry!

i had a fabulous vacation, oh man i don't even know where to start. i guess the best part was celebrating my granny's 80th b'day, man that broad is getting old. she still has one of the best sense of humours anywhere and i hope she lives to see many more.

so i decided to take to the clothes selling business, just something to do on the side for ppl who don't get to travel and this is proving harder than i'd originally imagined as it entails speaking to people. eeeeeeek! i am such a contradiction i know as my job requires me to talk non-stop but actually going up to strangers chaaaa, i just can't do it. my throat chokes up and i end up saying some dribble. case in point friday evening. what was that about? went like this "hi, i have some clotheskj ahvgda ahv havgd sell" lmao. how funny i'm laughing now but i was like bright pink then. anyways i'll try again tomorrow. gotta make some sales yo!

sigh* my job, should i start job hunting? at least i've finished the newsletter sigh***

last night with the girls was great!!! i actually enjoyed myself and didn't leave after an hour (i have to remember to pat my back tomorrow) and i danced lol, infact not only did i dance (i wuk-up a lil bit) hahahahahaha. good times. happy birthday mel :)

well it's off to bed for me. life is beautiful so i wouldn't complain but recently i feel like i know i am gonna take a different direction and that thought alone scares the poop outta me but i will 'keep keeping on' and do my do, i am so blessed how 'bout you?

i am too soft at times, i really need to grow a thicker skin.

thank you solitude.

Wednesday, May 21, 2008

I heart NY

but my home will always be Barbados :)

awe, new york new york, the weather is just fine and i am enjoying my vacation. my cousin's graduation was beautiful, wow, she's grown into a wonderful person (weep weep) they grow so fast.

the rain is putting a damper on my outings but it's still a blessing and i am enjoying my family time, i've missed them oh so much and stuff that i used to make a big deal out of now seems so small. with the way things are going in the world recently i wish we were all together....wherever.

but i will continue to weather the storm (no pun intended) and make the best of it. started off rocky but it will take more than one disgruntled, high and mighty, inconsiderate individual to break me. what will be will be and i will pray for you. nuff said.

i am trying...who i was yesterday is not who i am today, i've changed.

i've been growing some love in my garden
coupled with patience and understanding
i've been watering it every night and
during the day blessing it with the sunlight
and now it has grown much taller than i am
now it lives in the heart of a strong man
it lives in these brown eyes that see me through
it lives in you.

Thursday, May 15, 2008

you are where the light is

soul bent
you give me that soul power
feel like i can conquer anything
bring it send it throw it
i swing it outta commission
cause i have a vision and people
are listening to my point of view
it feels good not having to scream anymore...

thank you.

my condolences to Janelle, TJ, Stuart, Rachelle and the entire mayers family, i loved terry as well and he will be missed.

i am so tired. i didn't leave work until 10 p.m. last night and even though i got some rest i still feel weak. up at 6:20 am trying to get in some more work before my big trip and now my laptop is giving trouble. yesterday i was talking to my clients about challenges and how they have to start problem solving and i know that is the same method i should employ now but i don't even have the mental strength right now. i think i am doing too much, let's just hope it doesn't cut out again.

there are no whys there is just a because. things happen because it is God's will and i have to learn to accept that.

i wonder how your morning is going......

anyways, back to work for me, it's been 5 mins and it hasn't cut out so i need to count my blessings and finish this newsletter by this morning.

i am an emotive person and while i cry when i am sad i also cry when i'm feeling joyful and at times for no reason at all :)

Tuesday, May 13, 2008

blindfolds (using your mind)

i could never look in a mirror again
and still think i'm beautiful

beautiful in mind and beautiful in kind
beautiful in skin and beautiful within
beautiful in soul and beautifully old
beautiful in living beautiful in giving.

i could have all the scars in the world
and sure bet i'd still think i was beautiful

beautiful in spirit and beautiful in lyric
beautiful with time and beautiful in rhyme
beautiful in speech and beautiful in peach
beautiful in any colour and beautiful like my mother

take me as i am
commas, colons and questions marks
i don't need no mirror to show me what is in my heart.
so..take me as i am.

and again, this fussing and fighting when we should be making love. is it me? it has to be me. i am convinced it is me and so i am ready to deal with the consequences. life is too beautiful to just let it fade away.

cause the gas prices going up, cost of living surging, people complaining and they bawling but hey i'm still living, i'm still eating and drinking, it's hard but i'm doing it the best i can cause i got those blessings that the preacher been talking 'bout and i want everyone to see too, the blessings within you.

prayers for all of the people around the world who are suffering right now, from the earthquake in china to the cyclone in Myanmar, to the aids epidemic in africa. we might not always know why but know that with God all will be well.

i am imperfect and it troubles me from time to time.

Tuesday, May 06, 2008


God Disciple
come rain, come shine

come high tide or low
we together can move any mountain
and colour any rainbow

come wind, come storm
come hail, snow or sleet
you are my light in the day
the music in my heartbeat
the energy i need to be everything
and at night you watch over me
as i sleep.

thank you.

yesterday's service was the best funeral service i have ever been to and at one time i forgot where i was as it was more so a celebration of life! (not to mention the fact that it was at my church :) but everything from the presentation of the casket, the flowers, the leaflets (very touching) the hymns selected, man i could on, it was just a divine celebration of a beautiful woman who has touched so many lives. and Leslee, she is one strong woman. i know within myself i would never have the strength to stand up and speak on my mother and i just admire that. i am such a self-absorbed individual that i know i would be more focused on my grief than anything else. but i am mad proud of her :) much love to Lisa and Leslee though, besides it being a great celebration of life you're shoes were hawttttt!!!!

today is gonna be an awesome day, i can feel it. i am blessed and i am thankful for temptations that help keep me grounded and remind me to stay focused on the important things and people in my life.

i am a habitual line steppa.....

Saturday, May 03, 2008

this is as real as i can get, never spoke on her before (never) but it's about forgiveness

"and even when it felt like she stomped on my soul with the bottom of her sole, still i forgave her"

who would've ever thought she and i would be hmmmm "cordial" to say the least. i've always felt like, in the pit of my stomach that she was the devil, the Jezebel who tempted my man away from me, who was the architect of my demise, who was the reason for my depression. putting all the blame on her but only behind closed doors cause in a crowd i blamed him, but no one ever knew the truth in my heart. no one knew but me and that's a heavy weight to carry.

but i forgave her, it took me a long time, but i forgave her, i forgave him and i forgave myself cause i'd allowed myself to fall away, i too became a Jezebel type of lady and the things i did should shame me.....but i've finally learnt how to love me the way i want to be loved. it's me that had to set the example.

but it was hard cause i knew she would be sleeping in his bed, driving in his car, mingling with his family, the same family that loved me would suddenly forget me. and then it's like all of a sudden she's in my circle, liming the same places as me, talking to my friends and acquaintances sigh* even standing up next to me (what was that about????) it's like i couldn't escape. she was everywhere and i was suffocating.

then i thought vengeance was mine when i got with him for so long right under her nose but what did that make me? easy? skanky? and i guess it's because of what i did that drives my suspicions of the men i'm with, i guess that's why i can't trust in any of my relationships because i know what i was capable of.

at the end of the day when i come down on you i guess i am coming down on the me that didn't care. that lied, and used and other things i don't even want to think about. i guess i am projecting on you and that's not cool.

but even with these realizations i still don't feel like i can trust anybody. and now i'm always on guard. whenever my phone rings i'm like....karma catching up to me?

i never thought i would be able to look her in the face but now that i have i see, she's pretty and she's grown as well (cause i gotta admit at first she was hmmmm untamed) at the end of the day she has probably loved him in a way that i could never have and gosh does she have a forgiving heart. she's forgiven him for all of his sins and sins and sins (girl, you are either very strong or very weak) but i will not judge you and your forgiving heart. i can learn from you....

i guess that is the one thing she has taught me (informally) that nobody's perfect and you have to take the good with the bad.

truth be told however, i'm getting a lil tired of seeing her all the time :)

but hey, so it goes.....

Friday, May 02, 2008

sour times

can't get them outta my head
like a ring of water on the bedstead
you rub at it and rub some more
but it seems as though the ring
has embedded itself into the core
of the mahogany.

i feel as if i have no privacy and i can't breathe. i wish i could scream!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

that is how i feel. i can't deal and i can't win so why on earth am i still running?

Tuesday, April 29, 2008

suffocating slowly

my condolences to leslee, lisa and the entire Reynolds family....

i've always heard the only thing we can be sure of is death and taxes but sometimes (i think too often actually) i wonder on death. was reading the newspaper yesterday and learnt of this old woman who was burnt alive the previous night and i was just like damn. chaaaa, why? she lived to such an old age, surviving the changing environment, different governments, taxes, the rise in cost of living, some heartache i'm sure but then to spend her last mins alive burning???? things like that tend to rock my faith to be honest. i know i shouldn't dare question God but recently i've been questioning.

relationships are hard to begin with without others getting involved. i feel like i have no privacy and at this age this is just not how i pictured it. i am not a bad person but i feel like i am choking, suffocating and i can't breathe or come up for air. sigh* leave me alone!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

the devil is working i can feel it, must be the long wk-end that has freed up so much of his time but i refuse to let him get to me, i refuse to let him win. i gotta try to stay positive in rain and wind, i gotta let my light shine through, the only person i'm trying to reach is you and i really don't care what your father says. nuff said.

is it the way you smile when i walk in the room?
is it the way you bring life to my spirit and soul?
it is the way you take control of my mood and shift me to a brighter attitude?

is it you?

is it you that wakes me up in the morning to live a new day?
is it you that challenges me and takes me to higher planes?
is it you that listens and never gets tired of my complaints?

is it you?

that has the power to move hills and mountains?
that commands the waters that run in rivers and fountains?
that gives life to every living thing and living being?
that i believe in though i've never seen?

ye it must be..

the God of the valley
the bright and morning star
you are everywhere and in everything
giving me the spiritual energy to bring joy to my sadness
and hope to my wavering, wandering being.

thank you.

Sunday, April 27, 2008

say (they got so much things to)

his rhythm is poetry
he dances to acid jazz
his words are the grains of sand in our memories hourglass

he's my atlas in the confusion and strife
he reflects all that is good with his light
he's in the music of my life, gives me strength to fight, he's in the words that i write.

he's my hip hop in the day
and my neo-soul at night.

thank you.

how is it that i recognize that i am such an imperfect being and yet fail to understand your imperfections? i think i need to work on me. i'm not all that i brag to be. maybe.

memories will always connect us to our past. i wish i could forget some of mine....

graduation ceremony was really nice today, i am surprised at how much i enjoyed it actually. but i must chastise myself for not being more prepared when called upon to give a report on my anger management group i was the only one without a prepared speech (i hope my boss wasn't disappointed in me) and i feel badly about that. next time i'll know and next time i will definitely play a bigger role in the ceremony. i saw some areas where i could've given more of myself.

i'm in it to win it, tired of second place, ain't come this far to just place or fall away. word.

long wk-end so i think i'l finally try to finish this newsletter, tend to the animals and just relax....

thank you for life and all its blessings :)

maaga out!

Friday, April 25, 2008

no earthquake can move my mountain - Renata

roads....(excerpts from my latest song)
don't ignore the signs

what you feel inside

soul knows

when the devil is on patrol....

(verse 1)

you can feel it in your fingertips

at the edge of your soles

something just ain't sitting right with your soul

you find yourself...snooping
doing things
you won't normally do
the devil is hard at work inside you
deceiving your own self
obscuring the view.

thank you (album dropping in spring 2009 holla!)

the devil was busy at work today within me. but i said a prayer and i left it with Him, God will handle it from here. i must always remember what is to be will be with or without me. nuff said.

Wednesday was the last session of anger management group sniff* sniff* i'm gonna miss my boys but i hope i have equipped them with the tools necessary to live less violent lives. go on to be warriors of peace!

long wk-end and after 2 p.m. tomorrow i'll be freeeeeeeeeeeeee!!!!!!!

an old friend visited me yesterday and strangely enough it wasn't as awkward as i thought it would be.

i am thankful for the ups, the downs and the in-betweens. i am a human being, i am imperfect but i sure do love myself.

p.s. - accepting pre-orders for the yet untitled album :)

now back to my list!!!!

Thursday, April 24, 2008

music is my soul singing...

ok so i was tubing last night and chanced upon this blogpage that i am just loving, ( the thoughts and theories are moving and i got a lil inspiration.

now as i always say music is my soul singing simply because i love love music for every earth shattering, every mountain every battle and joy in my life music was right there with me, inside me, feeding me, breathing for me when i'd run outta breath so it's only fitting that i, once and for all and against my better judgment try to name my top 50 favourite songs and just the challenge to do this is already giving me goose bumps cause i really do have a truck load of music but hmmm i think one of the first things i'll do is i'll go to my itunes and chk out the tracks i listen to the most (isn't itunes just amazing?) ok, so here goes and in no particular order may i add.......

Vanya's top 50 songs in random order (a mixture of trip hop, jazz, r&B, reggae and some other genres)

1. Rome Wasn't Built in a Day - Morcheeba (everything they do i love love love. nearly collected all of their albums, even when switching lead vocalists the sound is still golden)

2. Zimbabwe - Bob Marley (we all know bob was a great man and has to be in everybody's playlist. i love every last one of his songs)

3. In the Waiting Line - Zero 7 (and i could list about 5 more. their music just moves me, the beats are nice)

4. Heard it Through the Grapevine - Marvin Gaye (he is one of my fav soul brothas and his songs are the songs my dad likes to talk about, talkin bout grown folk music)

5. The Sweetest Thing - Lauryn Hill (she does not have a song that i don't like and i have all her albums so listing all of her songs would take up my entire list so just note that she is def in my top 5 artistes of all time!!!!)

6. Human Nature - Madonna (she is an icon, nuff said)

7. This Love - Craig Armstrong and Elizabeth Fraser (has sentiment. i actually haven't listened to this one in a while as it usually sends chills to the bone)

8. Is it a Crime? - Sade (if you haven't heard it listen to it. it's hawwtttttt!!!! her voice her music, from no ordinary love, to king of sorrow to tattoo, just awesome. she will always be in my top 5 as well)

9. Jealous - Sinead O'Connor (the lyrics to that song spoke to me back in 2001. how accurate they were and i'd only ever heard no one compares but she has an arsenal of music that is inspiring. she is def underrated but much love from your number 1 fan!)

10. Bag Lady - Erykah Badu (the long version of course, i think it was the beat of this that first caught me then the lyrics. to me it's like chill music)

11. Just Friends - Musiq (is it wak that when this came out i sat and learnt all the words? the hook is crazy wicked)

12. You Give Me Something - Jamiroquai (i love everything by him as well but this is my fav. sigh* this is harder than i thought)

13. Dig - Incubus (i fell in love with the music video then the song. it appeals to me when i am depressed.

14. Gotta Get Through This - Daniel Beddingfield (hot dance track. i used to play this over and over back in my sad days to will myself out of a deep hole, lol)

15. Getting in the Way - Jill Scott ('sista girl' ha! classic. she is the lyricist from whom i get most of my poetic inspiration)

16. Another Lonely Day - Ben Harper (i've always been accused of only listening to depressing music but i just like slow melancholy music. it relaxes me)

17. Warning Sign/The Hardest Part - Coldplay (sorry i just can't pick and all of their albums were hot hot, got the chance to see them in concert a time and it was one of the best nights of my life, holla!)

18. It Will Be Quiet - Meklit Hadero (and i only met her in January and already according to my itunes i have listened to this song 56 times)

19. Cruisin' - Smokey Robinson (make love music nuff said)

20. I Believe - Blessed Union of Souls (lyrically sweet)

21. The Weakness in Me - Joan Armatrading (10 things i hate about soundtrack, chaaa memories)

22. Everything I Am/ Heard Em Say/All Falls Down - Kanye West (honestly i couldn't chose. love everything he does....)

23. Fortunate - Maxwell (he's sexy!)

24. It Ain't Over till it's Over - Lenny Kravtiz (he has quite a few that i like)

25. Me, Myself and I - Beyonce (how much do i love her, she is hawt and then some. go on girl with ya bad self!)

26. Show Me - John Legend (he could show me some things i sure wouldn't mind)

27. 2 the Sky - Robin Thicke (his last album was really really dope!)

28. I Need You - Alicia Keys (like the deserts need the rain, i have listened to her last album so many times now the cd is skipping)

29. Get By - Talib Kweli

30. One More Night - Phil Collins (influenced by my dad)

31. I'd Rather Be Alone - Karyn White

32. Vision of Love - Mariah Carey

33. Untitled (How Does It Feel?)/Lady - D'Angelo (come back, you're missed!)

34. Where Ever You Are - Terry Ellis

35. If You Love Me (Say it) - Brownstone

36. Hell Bent - Kenna (so talented, take a listen!)


work in progress