this is as real as i can get, never spoke on her before (never) but it's about forgiveness

"and even when it felt like she stomped on my soul with the bottom of her sole, still i forgave her"

who would've ever thought she and i would be hmmmm "cordial" to say the least. i've always felt like, in the pit of my stomach that she was the devil, the Jezebel who tempted my man away from me, who was the architect of my demise, who was the reason for my depression. putting all the blame on her but only behind closed doors cause in a crowd i blamed him, but no one ever knew the truth in my heart. no one knew but me and that's a heavy weight to carry.

but i forgave her, it took me a long time, but i forgave her, i forgave him and i forgave myself cause i'd allowed myself to fall away, i too became a Jezebel type of lady and the things i did should shame me.....but i've finally learnt how to love me the way i want to be loved. it's me that had to set the example.

but it was hard cause i knew she would be sleeping in his bed, driving in his car, mingling with his family, the same family that loved me would suddenly forget me. and then it's like all of a sudden she's in my circle, liming the same places as me, talking to my friends and acquaintances sigh* even standing up next to me (what was that about????) it's like i couldn't escape. she was everywhere and i was suffocating.

then i thought vengeance was mine when i got with him for so long right under her nose but what did that make me? easy? skanky? and i guess it's because of what i did that drives my suspicions of the men i'm with, i guess that's why i can't trust in any of my relationships because i know what i was capable of.

at the end of the day when i come down on you i guess i am coming down on the me that didn't care. that lied, and used and other things i don't even want to think about. i guess i am projecting on you and that's not cool.

but even with these realizations i still don't feel like i can trust anybody. and now i'm always on guard. whenever my phone rings i'm like....karma catching up to me?

i never thought i would be able to look her in the face but now that i have i see, she's pretty and she's grown as well (cause i gotta admit at first she was hmmmm untamed) at the end of the day she has probably loved him in a way that i could never have and gosh does she have a forgiving heart. she's forgiven him for all of his sins and sins and sins (girl, you are either very strong or very weak) but i will not judge you and your forgiving heart. i can learn from you....

i guess that is the one thing she has taught me (informally) that nobody's perfect and you have to take the good with the bad.

truth be told however, i'm getting a lil tired of seeing her all the time :)

but hey, so it goes.....