Thursday, February 28, 2008

i'm glad i have Nefertiti in my life

it is so hot in Barbados! seriously! i mean gosh, just for a lil wind, a lil cold front something, anything. i am sweltering......

today is a pretty quiet day for me, i'll use it as a day for reflection. went to this show on sunday that was so awe inspiring, i wish camesha was here to share it with me, she is one person i know that would totally and completely appreciate the message. africa, africanism. i think i will write a piece on it hmmmmm......

"i fly......cause looking to the sky......and i can't
i am......a spiritual butterfly.....yes....with straightened hair but that don't make me any less........of an african heir......"

hum...i like, i'll work on that one more this evening. but ye this guy man he was so deep and evoked so many different emotions for me, too much to type, you would've had to be there, but i think the changes he has brought out in me will speak for themselves.

trust is so important in any kind of relationship. nuff said.

i believe in myself and my capabilities, i just have to keep pressing onwards, looking to the sky and try to stay as fly as i possibly can, holla!

more times......

Monday, February 25, 2008

so i could open up my mind

i feel so lucid, so weak, what is it that is draining me? what is it?

i'm so thankful for yet another week but i'm feeling so tired, tired and sleepy, how i wish i was snuggled in my bed right now. didn't sleep well last night, are my thoughts keeping me awake? i can't run from my mind no matter how hard i try, forcing me to deal with things that i don't even want to deal with or think about. sigh. but i am giving thanks for my mind.

why is it so hard with you? if they all only knew, you're no angel. and the blindfolds are coming off finally. i don't see me with you sometimes.

i know everyone thinks their mother is the best and i guess i can see where they're coming from and all but i have to say my mother is so close to perfection it scares me. yes she is habitually late and claims she knows every single thing under the sun but other than that the things that matter to me, that i would want to come from a mother she has it in abundance. she is loving, kind, appreciative of any little thing, understanding, non-judgmental (which is important seeing the mistakes i've made, lol) she always gave me my room to be myself and to explore and she also trusted me from a young age, so that gave me a comfort of knowing i could come to her anytime about anything and just talk. the things my mum and i talk about, hmmmm, her friends would probably be like "beverley i can't believe you let her say things like that to you" as if! stupes, too bouj if ya ask me. she is just down to earth man, she can hang and she's my kinda chick, straight up. and i love her. she is probably the only person in the world i feel comfortable telling that i love.

i do, i have problems saying those 3 words, and yes i may write on them, poems for days on love and the like, hey, i use my imagination. i imagine when i was in love a time, what it felt like and i put that to paper. i listen to my friends describe how they feel and i put that to paper. i look at life, at the world, people i bump in, chance upon, used to look at people on the train a lot, especially in the train station, trying to draw my energy from them. i would get so many different emotions from just looking at a person or just listening. NY was my haven. trying to find that connection somewhere in bim. it's coming though.....i can feel it.

last week was a tough week for me, but again i am thankful for my trials. Lord, help me to rise above the past and look forward. if it be your will grant me the strength for perseverance.

i am a woman.

Monday, February 18, 2008

restless connections

i have the flu and it is driving me crazy. gotta give thanks though for the ability to fight it off

it has been proven, once you change your thoughts into more positive thoughts then things around you start to change. last week was so interesting for me, more job opportunities opened up, interviews and the like and now it's like i'm holding all the cards and it feels good. but the big decision comes tomorrow. which job should i take? one that will keep me on my career path? or one that would offer me more money? i know one shouldn't be driven by money but i have to think of my future shouldn't i? i don't know, my mother told me i should take it to God and that's what i'm gonna do. i'm super thankful though.

i think i would love to spend a week by the beach. recently everything has become so confused. it's like i can't stop my mind, physically i'm tired but my mind won't go to sleep. has me up at night.....thinking. i need to find more relaxing ways to relax.

i'm thankful though that i made it through another week. cheers to the one to come.....

Monday, February 11, 2008

i spy something with my little eye

we are all connected. in some form or fashion we are all woven together. i am meeting people with some of the same thought patterns and ideas as me, shoot, there goes my 'me being unique' frame of mind. but there are all good things. when you find someone you mesh well with and can sit down and create some thought provoking words and theories it's a beautiful thing.

harvest sunday at church yesterday was really nice. (my god-mother's cell phone went off in the middle of the sermon, what was that about?) but the reverend spoke of utilizing the gifts God has given us. the talents. she said a lot of people can see their talent right a way but through laziness refuse to use it, where others are not looking or listening hard enough. got me to thinking....what is mine?

boy is it hard to have good thoughts all the time, i am failing miserably where lent is concerned. last night i was trying to convince myself of the reasons i should try something different, like no meat or s'thing. but that's a quitters attitude.

i am so looking forward to lunch today, yummy, i laves laaaaves to eat. funny enough that is what i usually give up for lent, eating as much, cause i wouldn't be hungry but you could offer me anything i like and it's like "yes please!" gluttonous, stupes. work in progress.

so far i've had a great morning and i am looking forward to a great afternoon.

Friday, February 08, 2008

joyful joyful

GOD is GREAT!!!!!!! i am so thankful for everything!!!! for life, for food, clothing, shelter, the air i breathe, my mother, in fact my parents all three, lol, my animals, you, all my friends and family. every single thing that comes into my air i am thankful for. i am even thankful for my acne that is flaring up cause it means i am alive and have a face for acne to flare up on.

for lent i decided to give up something that i find i fall into too easily sometimes. i decided to give up gossip, any bad-mindedness or bad thoughts i allowed myself to have, i am not going to get into any malicious talk with anyone or allow myself to use malicious words.....i just want to try to be as positive as i possibly can and spread that positivity so to speak. God is good.

i have been thankful for just about everything so far this wk, you name it i'm thankful for it, my dogs who keep going through the front gate and getting me madddddddd, i am giving thanks for them cause so far they have not been attacked by any other dogs nor have they attacked anyone but they need to learn tho. will work on that.

i am thankful for my job and my ability to work and help people in different situations. and the possibilities that opened for me this week where my career is concerned. thank you God for listening.

i am thankful for my mother, i am in awe of her, she is probably the most non-judgmental and kind hearted person i have ever met and i'm not just saying that because she is my 'beavers' she just everything.

you. i am thankful for you and your patience with me. yes, i will work on my many moods..

i am thankful for so many things i could honestly sit here and go on and on and on and on.

i will just continue to give thanks and spread my joy to as much people as i can. life is too short, too precious to waste and i wanna stat living and listening more.

for God is all there is and everything else is a lie. now i know.

more times......

Tuesday, February 05, 2008


i think i've figured it out, i've been asking the wrong questions. i need to stop asking God 'why' and start asking 'what'.

what do you want me to do to be a better servant to you?

i will begin tomorrow by giving thanks.

Monday, February 04, 2008

looking for an umbrella to stand under (ella ella)

ok i feel a lil better today, music and writing are two of the most stress relieving and relaxing exercises i can think of, i got a lot of that done this week-end, so now i feel better and i am hoping this mood carries on into the week.

back to work from today, really enjoyed my time off, time for reflection. what am i doing here? i know i don't like it here, i just don't have the vibes with my co-workers as i had at my last job, that 'looking forward to go to work feeling', that passion and drive? gone. come back, i need it in order to exist here without losing my mind. sigh.

hungry as usual, what should i eat? leftovers yummy! nothing beats food from the day before. i've been trying to stay a way from junkfood so far for the year, so kfc, chefette (i don't even know if that's how it's spelt) and any other junk around the place but chaaaa i would sink my teeth into a thigh from kfc just about now. i was never a chefette person, beef roti and that's it, but kfc wow wee! good stuff. so been yamming some greens (pffftttt) and much more fruit, which i love so that doesn't hurt as much and i drink nothing but water now for the past 4 yrs even though that can get so boring at times gosh, what i wouldn't do for a sprite. actually you know what i'll treat myself to a coke and two sprites today :)

i think my problem is that i don't know what i want. i left here with a plan - deviated of course. came back here with a plan and i think it's still in my suitcase and now i'm here. Here. i am trying to keep the faith and give thanks. i tell myself, maybe my dreams are taking so long to come to fruition cause the lord wants me to learn the art of patience. now i get it. i should look at the lesson in this song.

misconceptions. recently ppl have been getting the wrong idea, is it me? i've been asked why a lot. 'why' u did that? 'why' did u say that? 'why' did you think that? is it me? no matter how nice or genuine you try to be it always comes across in a negative way. frankly i am tired of trying. i know me and i know what i am about and that should be enough.

my poor tom brady, i'm sure he could use my shuolder to cry on just about now, congrats NY.

i would love to open a dog santuary, i've been seeing so many homeless dogs on the road, skin and bones, looking for food in every corner they could find. it is so sad. i mean why have an animal, any animal if you're not going to care for it, it just makes no sense. i could never imagine mine wandering the streets starving. i wish there was more that i could do to help thes animals. maybe i should join a help group.

gossip, stupes, if you haven't heard it from my mouth why believe it. don't you know me?

sending love to my grandparents across the seas........

Saturday, February 02, 2008

melancholy days

i feel, hum....i feel.....down.

sometimes i miss NY so much it hurts, things made so much more sense there, things fell into place so easily, well most of the time and it's like here, i feel like i can't get it right. i try my best to fit in, why? i don't even know myself, i was so sure, so confident and now i feel stagnant.

i miss Jan and i wish she was still here, i guess she may be part of the reason i'm missing NY so much, even though i know she wishes she were here instead (disclaimer: yes yes she is Lucian and she still loves St. Lucia, plz don't disown her) but i guess as she says she finds 'peace' in Barbados.....

.....her peace is my, what's the word, unease i guess. like i am part of this puzzle, i know i am, i just can't find my position in the picture. i can't see where i should lay, where i should plant my seeds. man i wanna plant my seeds so badly, they're burning my hands but where?

i feel down. like a failure, this rat race is sucking me dry, everywhere i look i don't qualify anymore. am i reaching too high? i don't know. prayer. i gotta keep praying but sometimes my own faith fails me. i guess i'm not as strong as i thought i was. but i know i am beautifully made, i just don't believe it enough.

i will pick myself back up though and i will make it, and i will become all i envision myself becoming i just need to recognize HIS time is not my time so i will be patient and i will listen.

i will listen openly.