I heart NY

but my home will always be Barbados :)

awe, new york new york, the weather is just fine and i am enjoying my vacation. my cousin's graduation was beautiful, wow, she's grown into a wonderful person (weep weep) they grow so fast.

the rain is putting a damper on my outings but it's still a blessing and i am enjoying my family time, i've missed them oh so much and stuff that i used to make a big deal out of now seems so small. with the way things are going in the world recently i wish we were all together....wherever.

but i will continue to weather the storm (no pun intended) and make the best of it. started off rocky but it will take more than one disgruntled, high and mighty, inconsiderate individual to break me. what will be will be and i will pray for you. nuff said.

i am trying...who i was yesterday is not who i am today, i've changed.

i've been growing some love in my garden
coupled with patience and understanding
i've been watering it every night and
during the day blessing it with the sunlight
and now it has grown much taller than i am
now it lives in the heart of a strong man
it lives in these brown eyes that see me through
it lives in you.

you are where the light is

soul bent
you give me that soul power
feel like i can conquer anything
bring it send it throw it
i swing it outta commission
cause i have a vision and people
are listening to my point of view
it feels good not having to scream anymore...

thank you.

my condolences to Janelle, TJ, Stuart, Rachelle and the entire mayers family, i loved terry as well and he will be missed.

i am so tired. i didn't leave work until 10 p.m. last night and even though i got some rest i still feel weak. up at 6:20 am trying to get in some more work before my big trip and now my laptop is giving trouble. yesterday i was talking to my clients about challenges and how they have to start problem solving and i know that is the same method i should employ now but i don't even have the mental strength right now. i think i am doing too much, let's just hope it doesn't cut out again.

there are no whys there is just a because. things happen because it is God's will and i have to learn to accept that.

i wonder how your morning is going......

anyways, back to work for me, it's been 5 mins and it hasn't cut out so i need to count my blessings and finish this newsletter by this morning.

i am an emotive person and while i cry when i am sad i also cry when i'm feeling joyful and at times for no reason at all :)

blindfolds (using your mind)

inside
i could never look in a mirror again
and still think i'm beautiful

beautiful in mind and beautiful in kind
beautiful in skin and beautiful within
beautiful in soul and beautifully old
beautiful in living beautiful in giving.

i could have all the scars in the world
and sure bet i'd still think i was beautiful

beautiful in spirit and beautiful in lyric
beautiful with time and beautiful in rhyme
beautiful in speech and beautiful in peach
beautiful in any colour and beautiful like my mother

take me as i am
commas, colons and questions marks
i don't need no mirror to show me what is in my heart.
so..take me as i am.

and again, this fussing and fighting when we should be making love. is it me? it has to be me. i am convinced it is me and so i am ready to deal with the consequences. life is too beautiful to just let it fade away.

cause the gas prices going up, cost of living surging, people complaining and they bawling but hey i'm still living, i'm still eating and drinking, it's hard but i'm doing it the best i can cause i got those blessings that the preacher been talking 'bout and i want everyone to see too, the blessings within you.

prayers for all of the people around the world who are suffering right now, from the earthquake in china to the cyclone in Myanmar, to the aids epidemic in africa. we might not always know why but know that with God all will be well.

i am imperfect and it troubles me from time to time.

supernature

God Disciple
come rain, come shine
come high tide or low
we together can move any mountain
and colour any rainbow

come wind, come storm
come hail, snow or sleet
you are my light in the day
the music in my heartbeat
the energy i need to be everything
and at night you watch over me
as i sleep.

thank you.

yesterday's service was the best funeral service i have ever been to and at one time i forgot where i was as it was more so a celebration of life! (not to mention the fact that it was at my church :) but everything from the presentation of the casket, the flowers, the leaflets (very touching) the hymns selected, man i could on, it was just a divine celebration of a beautiful woman who has touched so many lives. and Leslee, she is one strong woman. i know within myself i would never have the strength to stand up and speak on my mother and i just admire that. i am such a self-absorbed individual that i know i would be more focused on my grief than anything else. but i am mad proud of her :) much love to Lisa and Leslee though, besides it being a great celebration of life you're shoes were hawttttt!!!!

today is gonna be an awesome day, i can feel it. i am blessed and i am thankful for temptations that help keep me grounded and remind me to stay focused on the important things and people in my life.

i am a habitual line steppa.....

this is as real as i can get, never spoke on her before (never) but it's about forgiveness

"and even when it felt like she stomped on my soul with the bottom of her sole, still i forgave her"

who would've ever thought she and i would be hmmmm "cordial" to say the least. i've always felt like, in the pit of my stomach that she was the devil, the Jezebel who tempted my man away from me, who was the architect of my demise, who was the reason for my depression. putting all the blame on her but only behind closed doors cause in a crowd i blamed him, but no one ever knew the truth in my heart. no one knew but me and that's a heavy weight to carry.

but i forgave her, it took me a long time, but i forgave her, i forgave him and i forgave myself cause i'd allowed myself to fall away, i too became a Jezebel type of lady and the things i did should shame me.....but i've finally learnt how to love me the way i want to be loved. it's me that had to set the example.

but it was hard cause i knew she would be sleeping in his bed, driving in his car, mingling with his family, the same family that loved me would suddenly forget me. and then it's like all of a sudden she's in my circle, liming the same places as me, talking to my friends and acquaintances sigh* even standing up next to me (what was that about????) it's like i couldn't escape. she was everywhere and i was suffocating.

then i thought vengeance was mine when i got with him for so long right under her nose but what did that make me? easy? skanky? and i guess it's because of what i did that drives my suspicions of the men i'm with, i guess that's why i can't trust in any of my relationships because i know what i was capable of.

at the end of the day when i come down on you i guess i am coming down on the me that didn't care. that lied, and used and other things i don't even want to think about. i guess i am projecting on you and that's not cool.

but even with these realizations i still don't feel like i can trust anybody. and now i'm always on guard. whenever my phone rings i'm like....karma catching up to me?

i never thought i would be able to look her in the face but now that i have i see, she's pretty and she's grown as well (cause i gotta admit at first she was hmmmm untamed) at the end of the day she has probably loved him in a way that i could never have and gosh does she have a forgiving heart. she's forgiven him for all of his sins and sins and sins (girl, you are either very strong or very weak) but i will not judge you and your forgiving heart. i can learn from you....

i guess that is the one thing she has taught me (informally) that nobody's perfect and you have to take the good with the bad.

truth be told however, i'm getting a lil tired of seeing her all the time :)

but hey, so it goes.....

sour times

memories,
can't get them outta my head
like a ring of water on the bedstead
you rub at it and rub some more
but it seems as though the ring
has embedded itself into the core
of the mahogany.

i feel as if i have no privacy and i can't breathe. i wish i could scream!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

that is how i feel. i can't deal and i can't win so why on earth am i still running?

suffocating slowly

my condolences to leslee, lisa and the entire Reynolds family....

i've always heard the only thing we can be sure of is death and taxes but sometimes (i think too often actually) i wonder on death. was reading the newspaper yesterday and learnt of this old woman who was burnt alive the previous night and i was just like damn. chaaaa, why? she lived to such an old age, surviving the changing environment, different governments, taxes, the rise in cost of living, some heartache i'm sure but then to spend her last mins alive burning???? things like that tend to rock my faith to be honest. i know i shouldn't dare question God but recently i've been questioning.

relationships are hard to begin with without others getting involved. i feel like i have no privacy and at this age this is just not how i pictured it. i am not a bad person but i feel like i am choking, suffocating and i can't breathe or come up for air. sigh* leave me alone!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

the devil is working i can feel it, must be the long wk-end that has freed up so much of his time but i refuse to let him get to me, i refuse to let him win. i gotta try to stay positive in rain and wind, i gotta let my light shine through, the only person i'm trying to reach is you and i really don't care what your father says. nuff said.

is?
is it the way you smile when i walk in the room?
is it the way you bring life to my spirit and soul?
it is the way you take control of my mood and shift me to a brighter attitude?

is it you?

is it you that wakes me up in the morning to live a new day?
is it you that challenges me and takes me to higher planes?
is it you that listens and never gets tired of my complaints?

is it you?

that has the power to move hills and mountains?
that commands the waters that run in rivers and fountains?
that gives life to every living thing and living being?
that i believe in though i've never seen?

ye it must be..

the God of the valley
the bright and morning star
you are everywhere and in everything
giving me the spiritual energy to bring joy to my sadness
and hope to my wavering, wandering being.

thank you.

say (they got so much things to)

He's...
his rhythm is poetry
he dances to acid jazz
his words are the grains of sand in our memories hourglass

he's my atlas in the confusion and strife
he reflects all that is good with his light
he's in the music of my life, gives me strength to fight, he's in the words that i write.

he's my hip hop in the day
and my neo-soul at night.

thank you.

how is it that i recognize that i am such an imperfect being and yet fail to understand your imperfections? i think i need to work on me. i'm not all that i brag to be. maybe.

memories will always connect us to our past. i wish i could forget some of mine....

graduation ceremony was really nice today, i am surprised at how much i enjoyed it actually. but i must chastise myself for not being more prepared when called upon to give a report on my anger management group i was the only one without a prepared speech (i hope my boss wasn't disappointed in me) and i feel badly about that. next time i'll know and next time i will definitely play a bigger role in the ceremony. i saw some areas where i could've given more of myself.

i'm in it to win it, tired of second place, ain't come this far to just place or fall away. word.

long wk-end so i think i'l finally try to finish this newsletter, tend to the animals and just relax....

thank you for life and all its blessings :)

maaga out!

no earthquake can move my mountain - Renata

roads....(excerpts from my latest song)
(chorus)
don't ignore the signs
what you feel inside
your soul knows
when the devil is on patrol....

(verse 1)
you can feel it in your fingertips
at the edge of your soles
something just ain't sitting right with your soul
you find yourself...snooping doing things
you won't normally do the devil is hard at work inside you
deceiving your own self obscuring the view.

thank you (album dropping in spring 2009 holla!)

the devil was busy at work today within me. but i said a prayer and i left it with Him, God will handle it from here. i must always remember what is to be will be with or without me. nuff said.

Wednesday was the last session of anger management group sniff* sniff* i'm gonna miss my boys but i hope i have equipped them with the tools necessary to live less violent lives. go on to be warriors of peace!

long wk-end and after 2 p.m. tomorrow i'll be freeeeeeeeeeeeee!!!!!!!

an old friend visited me yesterday and strangely enough it wasn't as awkward as i thought it would be.

i am thankful for the ups, the downs and the in-betweens. i am a human being, i am imperfect but i sure do love myself.

p.s. - accepting pre-orders for the yet untitled album :)

now back to my list!!!!

music is my soul singing...

ok so i was tubing last night and chanced upon this blogpage that i am just loving, (http://songsinthekeyoflife.wordpress.com/2008/03/04/brotha/) the thoughts and theories are moving and i got a lil inspiration.

now as i always say music is my soul singing simply because i love love music for every earth shattering, every mountain every battle and joy in my life music was right there with me, inside me, feeding me, breathing for me when i'd run outta breath so it's only fitting that i, once and for all and against my better judgment try to name my top 50 favourite songs and just the challenge to do this is already giving me goose bumps cause i really do have a truck load of music but hmmm i think one of the first things i'll do is i'll go to my itunes and chk out the tracks i listen to the most (isn't itunes just amazing?) ok, so here goes and in no particular order may i add.......

Vanya's top 50 songs in random order (a mixture of trip hop, jazz, r&B, reggae and some other genres)

1. Rome Wasn't Built in a Day - Morcheeba (everything they do i love love love. nearly collected all of their albums, even when switching lead vocalists the sound is still golden)

2. Zimbabwe - Bob Marley (we all know bob was a great man and has to be in everybody's playlist. i love every last one of his songs)

3. In the Waiting Line - Zero 7 (and i could list about 5 more. their music just moves me, the beats are nice)

4. Heard it Through the Grapevine - Marvin Gaye (he is one of my fav soul brothas and his songs are the songs my dad likes to talk about, talkin bout grown folk music)

5. The Sweetest Thing - Lauryn Hill (she does not have a song that i don't like and i have all her albums so listing all of her songs would take up my entire list so just note that she is def in my top 5 artistes of all time!!!!)

6. Human Nature - Madonna (she is an icon, nuff said)

7. This Love - Craig Armstrong and Elizabeth Fraser (has sentiment. i actually haven't listened to this one in a while as it usually sends chills to the bone)

8. Is it a Crime? - Sade (if you haven't heard it listen to it. it's hawwtttttt!!!! her voice her music, from no ordinary love, to king of sorrow to tattoo, just awesome. she will always be in my top 5 as well)

9. Jealous - Sinead O'Connor (the lyrics to that song spoke to me back in 2001. how accurate they were and i'd only ever heard no one compares but she has an arsenal of music that is inspiring. she is def underrated but much love from your number 1 fan!)

10. Bag Lady - Erykah Badu (the long version of course, i think it was the beat of this that first caught me then the lyrics. to me it's like chill music)

11. Just Friends - Musiq (is it wak that when this came out i sat and learnt all the words? the hook is crazy wicked)

12. You Give Me Something - Jamiroquai (i love everything by him as well but this is my fav. sigh* this is harder than i thought)

13. Dig - Incubus (i fell in love with the music video then the song. it appeals to me when i am depressed. http://youtube.com/watch?v=j9l17XR74Ts)

14. Gotta Get Through This - Daniel Beddingfield (hot dance track. i used to play this over and over back in my sad days to will myself out of a deep hole, lol)

15. Getting in the Way - Jill Scott ('sista girl' ha! classic. she is the lyricist from whom i get most of my poetic inspiration)

16. Another Lonely Day - Ben Harper (i've always been accused of only listening to depressing music but i just like slow melancholy music. it relaxes me)

17. Warning Sign/The Hardest Part - Coldplay (sorry i just can't pick and all of their albums were hot hot, got the chance to see them in concert a time and it was one of the best nights of my life, holla!)

18. It Will Be Quiet - Meklit Hadero (and i only met her in January and already according to my itunes i have listened to this song 56 times)

19. Cruisin' - Smokey Robinson (make love music http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=J_KKyw8V-l0 nuff said)

20. I Believe - Blessed Union of Souls (lyrically sweet)

21. The Weakness in Me - Joan Armatrading (10 things i hate about soundtrack, chaaa memories)

22. Everything I Am/ Heard Em Say/All Falls Down - Kanye West (honestly i couldn't chose. love everything he does....)

23. Fortunate - Maxwell (he's sexy!)

24. It Ain't Over till it's Over - Lenny Kravtiz (he has quite a few that i like)

25. Me, Myself and I - Beyonce (how much do i love her, she is hawt and then some. go on girl with ya bad self!)

26. Show Me - John Legend (he could show me some things i sure wouldn't mind)

27. 2 the Sky - Robin Thicke (his last album was really really dope!)

28. I Need You - Alicia Keys (like the deserts need the rain, i have listened to her last album so many times now the cd is skipping)

29. Get By - Talib Kweli

30. One More Night - Phil Collins (influenced by my dad)

31. I'd Rather Be Alone - Karyn White

32. Vision of Love - Mariah Carey

33. Untitled (How Does It Feel?)/Lady - D'Angelo (come back, you're missed!)

34. Where Ever You Are - Terry Ellis

35. If You Love Me (Say it) - Brownstone

36. Hell Bent - Kenna (so talented, take a listen!)

37.

work in progress