it's only a mountain

thank you india
thank you providence
thank you disillusionment
thank you nothingness
thank you clarity
thank you thank you silence

Alanis Morissette


i just don't know how to finish this newsletter sigh* and it's getting me down cause i know the director is gonna call me up and ask me questions i can't answer sigh*

i had a very educational day. attended an HIV fair at BCC and i learnt a whole heap of stuff that i never knew and some of the plays were really good, though i thought some veered off from the topic at hand by wanting more to evoke laughter but overall it was a commendable effort. there is a lot of young talent in barbados.

brass tacks has been hot all week especially since the prime ministers' address but i mean come on people, do you really expect gas prices to go up all over the world and we go untouched? well, if i thought cost of living was high i guess i ain't see nothing yet. now i started listening to 'tell it like it is' as well and that's pretty good. some of the theories i hear sometimes totally baffle me but everyone is entitled to their own opinion i guess...good stuff though.

you know those moods where you don't feel to see anyone or talk to anyone or interact? well i'm in one of those moods.

went to this place called Taboo two sundays ago to support my friend russell and others for an event they were holding. now i absolutely love supporting my friends in what ever event they have all down to the 'pick up trash day' events but i think i need to be a tad picky in the future. i guess as partying is so not my thing anymore it was suffocatingly hard for me to fit in, to dance (mind you back in the day i used to wine till the sun came up) but now sigh* let's just say it's been a longggggggggg time since i 'wuk-up' lol, am i getting too boring? i found the whole scene yawnful to say the least but i did move a bit to machel.....my weak spot revealed. i would love to attend a good old soca party though and hear early early machel like big truck, early alison and the like, ras iley, plastic bag you name it. now THAT would be my kinda jam.....

went to a play sunday night now that is my kinda jam right there, interesting title 'for colored girls who contemplate suicide when a rainbow is enough" beautiful cast, beautiful women, i loved it from start to finish. i wish i had more plays to go to, i guess this is one of those times i miss NY but don't get me wrong i LOVE barbados and this is where i wanna be ..... for now....

guitar tomorrow but i'm not in the mood to see anyone

i wonder what Fay is doing right this minute.....soon forward

once a label is on something it becomes an it.

black Jezebel
have i seen your face before?
you must be the she-devil
that wanders around in my subconscious
planting seeds in my garden of mistrust.
but nothing grows
for my earth knows
when not to sow
black Jezebel
with your seductive smells
every man's eyes peeled to your coke bottle shell
but everyone is hiding something and so are you
i wonder what you're up to?

thank you.

it's official, my dog jouvais has an identity crisis sigh* granted just by looking at her you can tell that she's a female still she has a lot of male tendencies....i mean how many female dogs pee with their legs raised??? it's so strange and odd and everything that describes weirdness.

i don't know where i would be without my Cetaphil SPF 15 daily moisturizer, seriously, it gives me this glow!

just got home and i'm not even sleepy sigh*

if he cheated with you he will cheat on you. nuff said.

seriously $330 for some x-rays and cataflam for a good old sprained ankle? seriously?

Mocha has so much character already i'm in love with him already.

i've been having some bad dreams recently, what is going on in my subconscious...i've been trying to ignore them but sometimes i feel so nervous when i get ready for bed, it's like i'm asking myself 'what dream will it be tonight?" what dream will i have that will be so disturbing that i stay awake just to avoid seeing it. i need to consult my dream book.

i can hear tosh crying but i am so tired i don't feel like going outside... i hope he stops soon sigh*
i love my animals, they bring peace and calm to my crazy days and they love me unconditionally...

thank you for strength....

woman within

Dear GOD,
i am weak, i am humble, i am wide open. open and willing. open to receive your many blessings and ministry and wiling to make the sacrifices necessary to be a good servant. but i must confess that i am also weak. i pray for strength in the hard times and in the face of adversity. i know if you brought me to it you will see me through it and i pray to be mindful of that phrase whenever my spirit weakens. so today i am humbly praying for strength through you, this is my prayer to you, from your humble narrator.

Amen.

should i feel guilty because i am a quiet Christian? i must admit that i am not as involved in the church as i was in my childhood and teenage years whereas now i am just a member of the congregation but i also love my position. recently, i've been invited to be more involved in the church but i turned it down. right now i feel as if my plate is very full with work and other extra-curricular activities so i don't feel i would be capable of fully committing. that being said why then, do i feel so guilty? so badly? as if i am doing something wrong. i enjoy church just as much as everyone else but is there more i should be doing? i will pray for guidance.

i am blessed and a lil stressed right now but hey no one said it would be easy, who am i to demand a free ride? i just need to keep believing in myself even when i feel like i can't understand or have control over what is going on around me, over the people who are supposed to be close to me but somehow don't place my existence in high value. i have the peace of mind to get me through and i know i am strong, i have to believe i am strong if not my weakness will consume me. i know i can be more than i can possibly envision but no one will believe me until i believe in me.

i got my new pup yesterday, he is so adorable i decided to name him Mocha......

thank you for another week of work, family, friends and acquaintances.

i don't even know what to say just in awe of my fatigue

i am actually sleepy :)

thank you for baggy eyes and endless yawns...i'm going to sleep

time for me to shine.....

Blessings......
i am lying on the sand
listening to the waves as they crash against the shore
lost in thought letting my mind drift
losing myself in the sounds of the beauty that is around me
i can never understand what it took to make such a beautiful world
i can never fathom the artistry yet i an ever amazed
and i sit quietly and let my thoughts take me
on yet another spiritual journey
i am blessed.
Yes!!!

thank you.

my dad was 63 yesterday, boy is he old. thank you Lord for granting him such longevity and i wish him many more years or success, health and happiness.

today i feel strange.

so i am in smoothie heaven! i will no longer be giving cafe moya my $8, nope, no way. i have sourced their sources and now i get the product directly from them ha! this morning i made my first banana berry and it was awesome, all now i'm still full. holla!

i've been working so hard and not getting any sleep. picking back up my old habits, last night i was up in bed just staring at the ceiling, wrote a bit, listened to music, thought some more. chaaaa, now today i'm so tired.

i've been thinking about some things i shouldn't be thinking about sigh* my mind my mind.

thank you for the strength to get up this morning when i know i could've used like 4 more hours.

Seek ye first the Kingdom of God and his Righteousness......

Jesus.....
you knew me before my time
you molded a beautiful mind
i come to you a sinner and ashamed
yet i feel glorified when i hear your name.....Jesus!

thank you for your example....

yesterday's church service was the best one i've had since i moved back, wait no, ah lie, the service i had on my b'day was pretty great but then again it was a visiting minister at my church not even my home minister and then yesterday i went to St. Matthias so there i am faced again with getting the spiritual food i need from people who are not from my church sigh* (oh woe is me) and i can't say i'm a big Anglican person but that church was da bomb! i thoroughly enjoyed the service, it was so interactive and real man, i miss churches like that! reminded me a bit of NY at least on the inspirational level, i would love to make that my home church but chaaa it's so far and then my mum might feel a way that we aren't ministering together so that's another issue but it has given me the soul power i need for this week. i even wrote a verse whilst in church (i know that's bad) but it inspired me. pity i left it home but i'll probably upload it later.


http://www.cnn.com/2008/US/04/06/mlk.role.church/index.html

Kevin sent me this link and i found it rather interesting, i've been reading a lot recently about prosperity preachers and how they have been leading people astray with their "successful living"theory as the way to God, neglecting to mention that Christians suffer as well. i will just upload the correspondence we had after reading this article.

On 4/6/08 3:44 PM, "Vanya " wrote:

this was a good article thanks for sharing.

i think a lot boils down to what people think "living the best life they can" is as we mostly hear that once u do good u will get good, that was always a motivation for me. it would be hard for people to understand that being a Christian also means that there may be suffering as well plus a lot of poor people who make up like half of jakes' congregation don't want to hear that even though they're poor now the possibility exists that they may spend the rest of their lives being poor even though they are Christians. especially living in the USA where there is so much ugliness around, ppl tend to want something positive to hold onto i guess.

what is your view of priests and the like, living luxurious lives? (cars, big house, brand name clothes)

Dear Vanya,
The thing about the prosperity message is that if you teach it according the bible, it’s short, concise and maybe too simple for people to accept. From the book of Matthew the scripture reads

“25"Therefore I tell you, do not worry about your life, what you will eat or drink; or about your body, what you will wear. Is not life more important than food, and the body more important than clothes? 26Look at the birds of the air; they do not sow or reap or store away in barns, and yet your heavenly Father feeds them. Are you not much more valuable than they? 27Who of you by worrying can add a single hour to his life?
28"And why do you worry about clothes? See how the lilies of the field grow. They do not labor or spin. 29Yet I tell you that not even Solomon in all his splendor was dressed like one of these. 30If that is how God clothes the grass of the field, which is here today and tomorrow is thrown into the fire, will he not much more clothe you, O you of little faith? 31So do not worry, saying, 'What shall we eat?' or 'What shall we drink?' or 'What shall we wear?' 32For the pagans run after all these things, and your heavenly Father knows that you need them. 33But seek first his kingdom and his righteousness, and all these things will be given to you as well. 34Therefore do not worry about tomorrow, for tomorrow will worry about itself. Each day has enough trouble of its own.”

If you read that and understand it, that’s it in a nutshell. The error with the prosperity gospel is that it makes “successful living” the motive for coming to Christ. This is a deception for we are to come to Christ because we recognize we are sinners who need to repent and seek God’s mercy that is made available through the blood atonement of this same Jesus Christ. I can tell you that historically, many of the early Christians were persecuted, lived in poverty and even beheaded and executed. According to the standard these prosperity preachers are using today, these people lived very unsuccessful lives. I remember there is a verse, I can’t quite remember where it is in the bible but it talks about Paul and Barnabas receiving lashes for having preached the gospel when forbidden to do so. After that they actually rejoiced for having suffered for the sake of the kingdom. Besides that they were homeless for a while and were in jail as well. In fact Paul, I think died in jail, beheaded by the Roman emperor Nero.

Now being a Christian doesn’t mean god will not bless you and you’re destined to live a life of suffering. He will bless you according to his will, in his time and in his own way. It may not be riches, it may be, it may not be infamy, it may be...you don’t know. What you do know is that if you seek him first and his righteousness then everything else that you need for this temporal life will be given to you. But it’s nothing compared to what you will receive in the life here after and that is what we Christians are looking for. “A city not made by man but whose architect and builder is God.”

With that I leave you with scripture. From Philippians chapter 3:

“7But whatever was to my profit I now consider loss for the sake of Christ. 8What is more, I consider everything a loss compared to the surpassing greatness of knowing Christ Jesus my Lord, for whose sake I have lost all things. I consider them rubbish, that I may gain Christ 9and be found in him, not having a righteousness of my own that comes from the law, but that which is through faith in Christ—the righteousness that comes from God and is by faith. 10I want to know Christ and the power of his resurrection and the fellowship of sharing in his sufferings, becoming like him in his death, 11and so, somehow, to attain to the resurrection from the dead.

12Not that I have already obtained all this, or have already been made perfect, but I press on to take hold of that for which Christ Jesus took hold of me. 13Brothers, I do not consider myself yet to have taken hold of it. But one thing I do: Forgetting what is behind and straining toward what is ahead, 14I press on toward the goal to win the prize for which God has called me heavenward in Christ Jesus.”

Regards

i have to share this article with some of my friends and see what opinions i get. i wonder what lars would say?

i will not mention you when the reckoning comes

Growth.....
i am learning that sometimes i have to make mistakes over and over before i truly learn the lesson.

i am learning that no matter how hard i try people will only change when they want to.

i am learning to see the good in people where i didn't think any good exists. i am learning it is there i just need to be patient.

i am learning that it is ok to quarrel sometimes, clear the air so to speak. i've always heard it's better out than in. (austin powers)

i am learning that in order for me to find a good man i have to start by being a good woman.

i am learning that is it never too late to turn to God.

i am learning that it's ok to give without getting. (that was hard)

i am learning that i should always follow my dreams and not get caught up in others' dreams as i might never accomplish my own.

i am learning that no matter how genuine you are nor how you present yourself to people they will only see the wrong you did. and i am learning not to care.

i am learning that you can show people sides of you and they can use those sides against you and when you start showing them nothing they're still not satisfied damn! so i am learning to just accept who i am and that i won't be liked by all but that i already am blessed with good people in my life and that should be enough.

i am learning not to hold onto pain so strongly. let it go, let God and live!

i am learning to forgive slowly but surely.

thank you. (for now.....)


it's friday!!!!! holla!!!!! thank goodness, i am so pooped it ain't funny. i am really looking forward to sunday cause i have work all day tomorrow :( how crazy is that but i gotta be thankful for my j-o-b.

april will be my month of soul. i'm gonna connect to soul sistas, soul brothas, soul mamas and papas. imma spread my soul seeds so far that i'll go st. lucy n see some of my soul there....liming. ow!

i got my new tree last night and she is beautiful, i wonder how long it takes for an almond tree to grow and i really hope the dogs don't dig it up, oh please don't dig her up she is just too beautiful, i think i will name her Tallulah.

so i said i'd name the new dog milo but now i'm hearing that's too common a dog name blah blah so it's back to the drawing board hmmm......

i still need to work on my time management or request a cut down on the amount of work i am given, i find that i have loads of work and then when i'm home i'm working too or at least thinking about work, that's just crazy yo! i gotta keep myself in check more.

the world is made up of so many different people, different personalities and different backgrounds. in my past i used to be so snobbish and i looked down on people a lot. when i think back to those days i feel so ashamed. who was i to judge. now i have a more open mind the ways of my past still haunt me sometimes. but i will not give up. life is a journey and i'm committed to seeing it through till the end.

my music sustains me when you don't. nuff said.

life is so short and we take so many things for granted. i don't wanna start living everyday like it's my last but i want to continue to grow as i age and i can only ask to grow old with the people i love.

God Bless.

misunderstood (we are)

"Baba Says Cool For Thought"
They thought it was cool to burn crosses on your front lawn as they hung you from trees in your backyard
They thought it was cool to leave you thirsty and stranded, Katrina!
He thought it was cool to carry a gun in his classroom and open fire, Virginia Tech, Columbine Stop the violence!
They thought it was cool to tear down the projects and put up million dollar condos, Gentrification
They think it's cool to stand on the block hiding product in their socks to make quick dime bag dollars
They think it's cool to ride down on you in blue and white unmarked cars busting you upside your head
Freeze...
'Cause the problem is we think it's cool too
Check your ingredients before you overdose, on The Cool...

by Iesha Jaco

i have this hunger, this burning, what is it on my mind? you would think it wasn't me, that they weren't my thoughts. yet somehow, they are elusive to even me. i haven't written a verse in long, working on my album but i think i need a lil poetic break. word.

today was a better day than yesterday. thank you for not sinking any further.

people only show you what they want you to see. nuff said.

work this wk-end sigh* i feel like i've been going and going not stopping and i'm a lil tired, mentally drained, whatever you wanna call it. i could use a wk in the Bahamas or sum.....i'm really looking forward to my trip. i could use a lil cold on my bones, it's hot in Barbados!

angie stone is going to be at st. lucia jazz and i can't go AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!!!!!!!!
i feel a lil better now. i know she will give a good show!

seriously if i hear that chris brown song one more time i am gonna scream, would you believe my mother even has it as her ring tone. my mother who doesn't even no how to send a text ot change from ring to vibrate. who doesn't even know how to turn off her cell phone??????????? i blame lana. lol. but seriously i am way tired of that song and to me the beginning sounds like "irreplaceable" by beyonce. but hey, that's just me.

kanye's new stage is awesome, damn! i should be there, i can only hope i catch him when i travel, he's da bomb!

i am learning, learning how to come out on top, learning that i am who i am and that's a blessing, learning that i don't need you or anyone to validate my mind or my thoughts. i am learning that there is good in everyone. even if we don't get along there's good in you, i have to believe that in order for us to co-exist.

thank you for constantly testing me, i am growing stronger through you.

she could've been....

Endings...
is this really the end
or is your life now beginning?
i've heard rumours about heaven
and i could only imagine your vision -
as you open your eyes
and behold God in all his majesty
the sadness that weighed down your heart now lifted
even shifted as you can look down now on your beautiful family
and be the guardian angel over their paths forever.
smile at this blessing and we will too at your memory......

thank you for being part of my schools days.



i knew Tonya..

i can't say we were bosom buddies but we went to school together she was a star athlete and me a lowly cheerleader but still i remember cheering her on. she was always big in size and i think that's what made her stand out cause regardless of her size she moved fast! really fast.

and her heart was just as big, very bubbly and kind-hearted. i have never heard anyone utter a bad word about her. so it goes, when you leave school you usually leave people behind, lose contacts, the usual but she came back to my memory when i saw her graduate from law school last yr i was like wow! i'd checked the newspaper to see some of my friends (who called me incessantly to make sure i read the advocate) but there i saw Tonya as well. i was like wow! made me feel proud to see so many combermerians and to see an old pal from school doing well.

then my mother asked me on sunday if i knew the girl that died......i was like a girl died? how old? she goes she was 24 so i'm like oh, i didn't know many of the lower school students (there's my damn ego again sigh*) but she started to give me some details, i was like hmmmm, was she an athlete? she couldn't say. was she a lawyer? again couldn't say. so i mourned the loss of a young combermerian and went no further.

saw a few missed calls on my phone yesterday from my mother but i just hate cell phones to be honest so i said i'd call her back when i got to a land line. finally she got through to me as i was worried by the 3rd call that it was something serious and she told me yes, she was an athlete. and it was then my heart sank. somehow, even though there were a plethora of athletes i knew her age, i just knew it was her.

i am still in shock. i just can't believe it. why? she was so talented and i admired the fact that she stayed with the same person for so long, she started a family young but still managed to balance a career as well and therefore securing a strong future for her family. i mean how many people her age can say they've accomplished that. it was her heart that ultimately took her life. it was probably over-flowing with all the goodness, good friends and good deeds she'd accomplished over her short 24 years. and today i feel a sense of over-whelming sadness, i do. gone too soon.

i will keep her family in my prayers. i pray that those beautiful girls grow up and learn about how strong and determined their mother was. how much she loved them and did all she could for them to be here and how she ultimately sacrificed her life for theirs.

she will truly be missed and my one regret right now is that i didn't check up on this news earlier and because of my laziness i missed the funeral, i missed the chance to say good-bye to an old school mate. i will never act so slowly again.

God Bless her as i know she is up there with you.

Tonya Shantelle Nicole Howard
Sunrise: January 7th, 1984
Sunset: March 25th, 2008

you will always be remembered......

i get it.

Thank you.....
People come into your life, some seasons
With or without reasons….lifetimes
Feels like a new day since you’ve been in mine
And I am thankful, I am grateful
for the love that we’ve made
the mistakes too i guess we grow when we want to
i'm thankful for the ups and downs
the trials and the victories too
but most of all, i am thankful for you....

so, thank you.

today was a challenge but i have finally broken free. i feel happy to be here to be alive and to give. i mean seriously, why not, i ain't busy.

thankful for work and for giving my all even when i am sleepy and ain't had my first cup of coffee. seriously, i need to stop.

and i'm thankful for the different experiences i have everyday, granted sometimes i feel like i am a walking soap opera nonetheless everything leads me back to you, to God, so...thank you.

more times....