suffocating slowly

my condolences to leslee, lisa and the entire Reynolds family....

i've always heard the only thing we can be sure of is death and taxes but sometimes (i think too often actually) i wonder on death. was reading the newspaper yesterday and learnt of this old woman who was burnt alive the previous night and i was just like damn. chaaaa, why? she lived to such an old age, surviving the changing environment, different governments, taxes, the rise in cost of living, some heartache i'm sure but then to spend her last mins alive burning???? things like that tend to rock my faith to be honest. i know i shouldn't dare question God but recently i've been questioning.

relationships are hard to begin with without others getting involved. i feel like i have no privacy and at this age this is just not how i pictured it. i am not a bad person but i feel like i am choking, suffocating and i can't breathe or come up for air. sigh* leave me alone!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

the devil is working i can feel it, must be the long wk-end that has freed up so much of his time but i refuse to let him get to me, i refuse to let him win. i gotta try to stay positive in rain and wind, i gotta let my light shine through, the only person i'm trying to reach is you and i really don't care what your father says. nuff said.

is?
is it the way you smile when i walk in the room?
is it the way you bring life to my spirit and soul?
it is the way you take control of my mood and shift me to a brighter attitude?

is it you?

is it you that wakes me up in the morning to live a new day?
is it you that challenges me and takes me to higher planes?
is it you that listens and never gets tired of my complaints?

is it you?

that has the power to move hills and mountains?
that commands the waters that run in rivers and fountains?
that gives life to every living thing and living being?
that i believe in though i've never seen?

ye it must be..

the God of the valley
the bright and morning star
you are everywhere and in everything
giving me the spiritual energy to bring joy to my sadness
and hope to my wavering, wandering being.

thank you.

say (they got so much things to)

He's...
his rhythm is poetry
he dances to acid jazz
his words are the grains of sand in our memories hourglass

he's my atlas in the confusion and strife
he reflects all that is good with his light
he's in the music of my life, gives me strength to fight, he's in the words that i write.

he's my hip hop in the day
and my neo-soul at night.

thank you.

how is it that i recognize that i am such an imperfect being and yet fail to understand your imperfections? i think i need to work on me. i'm not all that i brag to be. maybe.

memories will always connect us to our past. i wish i could forget some of mine....

graduation ceremony was really nice today, i am surprised at how much i enjoyed it actually. but i must chastise myself for not being more prepared when called upon to give a report on my anger management group i was the only one without a prepared speech (i hope my boss wasn't disappointed in me) and i feel badly about that. next time i'll know and next time i will definitely play a bigger role in the ceremony. i saw some areas where i could've given more of myself.

i'm in it to win it, tired of second place, ain't come this far to just place or fall away. word.

long wk-end so i think i'l finally try to finish this newsletter, tend to the animals and just relax....

thank you for life and all its blessings :)

maaga out!

no earthquake can move my mountain - Renata

roads....(excerpts from my latest song)
(chorus)
don't ignore the signs
what you feel inside
your soul knows
when the devil is on patrol....

(verse 1)
you can feel it in your fingertips
at the edge of your soles
something just ain't sitting right with your soul
you find yourself...snooping doing things
you won't normally do the devil is hard at work inside you
deceiving your own self obscuring the view.

thank you (album dropping in spring 2009 holla!)

the devil was busy at work today within me. but i said a prayer and i left it with Him, God will handle it from here. i must always remember what is to be will be with or without me. nuff said.

Wednesday was the last session of anger management group sniff* sniff* i'm gonna miss my boys but i hope i have equipped them with the tools necessary to live less violent lives. go on to be warriors of peace!

long wk-end and after 2 p.m. tomorrow i'll be freeeeeeeeeeeeee!!!!!!!

an old friend visited me yesterday and strangely enough it wasn't as awkward as i thought it would be.

i am thankful for the ups, the downs and the in-betweens. i am a human being, i am imperfect but i sure do love myself.

p.s. - accepting pre-orders for the yet untitled album :)

now back to my list!!!!

music is my soul singing...

ok so i was tubing last night and chanced upon this blogpage that i am just loving, (http://songsinthekeyoflife.wordpress.com/2008/03/04/brotha/) the thoughts and theories are moving and i got a lil inspiration.

now as i always say music is my soul singing simply because i love love music for every earth shattering, every mountain every battle and joy in my life music was right there with me, inside me, feeding me, breathing for me when i'd run outta breath so it's only fitting that i, once and for all and against my better judgment try to name my top 50 favourite songs and just the challenge to do this is already giving me goose bumps cause i really do have a truck load of music but hmmm i think one of the first things i'll do is i'll go to my itunes and chk out the tracks i listen to the most (isn't itunes just amazing?) ok, so here goes and in no particular order may i add.......

Vanya's top 50 songs in random order (a mixture of trip hop, jazz, r&B, reggae and some other genres)

1. Rome Wasn't Built in a Day - Morcheeba (everything they do i love love love. nearly collected all of their albums, even when switching lead vocalists the sound is still golden)

2. Zimbabwe - Bob Marley (we all know bob was a great man and has to be in everybody's playlist. i love every last one of his songs)

3. In the Waiting Line - Zero 7 (and i could list about 5 more. their music just moves me, the beats are nice)

4. Heard it Through the Grapevine - Marvin Gaye (he is one of my fav soul brothas and his songs are the songs my dad likes to talk about, talkin bout grown folk music)

5. The Sweetest Thing - Lauryn Hill (she does not have a song that i don't like and i have all her albums so listing all of her songs would take up my entire list so just note that she is def in my top 5 artistes of all time!!!!)

6. Human Nature - Madonna (she is an icon, nuff said)

7. This Love - Craig Armstrong and Elizabeth Fraser (has sentiment. i actually haven't listened to this one in a while as it usually sends chills to the bone)

8. Is it a Crime? - Sade (if you haven't heard it listen to it. it's hawwtttttt!!!! her voice her music, from no ordinary love, to king of sorrow to tattoo, just awesome. she will always be in my top 5 as well)

9. Jealous - Sinead O'Connor (the lyrics to that song spoke to me back in 2001. how accurate they were and i'd only ever heard no one compares but she has an arsenal of music that is inspiring. she is def underrated but much love from your number 1 fan!)

10. Bag Lady - Erykah Badu (the long version of course, i think it was the beat of this that first caught me then the lyrics. to me it's like chill music)

11. Just Friends - Musiq (is it wak that when this came out i sat and learnt all the words? the hook is crazy wicked)

12. You Give Me Something - Jamiroquai (i love everything by him as well but this is my fav. sigh* this is harder than i thought)

13. Dig - Incubus (i fell in love with the music video then the song. it appeals to me when i am depressed. http://youtube.com/watch?v=j9l17XR74Ts)

14. Gotta Get Through This - Daniel Beddingfield (hot dance track. i used to play this over and over back in my sad days to will myself out of a deep hole, lol)

15. Getting in the Way - Jill Scott ('sista girl' ha! classic. she is the lyricist from whom i get most of my poetic inspiration)

16. Another Lonely Day - Ben Harper (i've always been accused of only listening to depressing music but i just like slow melancholy music. it relaxes me)

17. Warning Sign/The Hardest Part - Coldplay (sorry i just can't pick and all of their albums were hot hot, got the chance to see them in concert a time and it was one of the best nights of my life, holla!)

18. It Will Be Quiet - Meklit Hadero (and i only met her in January and already according to my itunes i have listened to this song 56 times)

19. Cruisin' - Smokey Robinson (make love music http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=J_KKyw8V-l0 nuff said)

20. I Believe - Blessed Union of Souls (lyrically sweet)

21. The Weakness in Me - Joan Armatrading (10 things i hate about soundtrack, chaaa memories)

22. Everything I Am/ Heard Em Say/All Falls Down - Kanye West (honestly i couldn't chose. love everything he does....)

23. Fortunate - Maxwell (he's sexy!)

24. It Ain't Over till it's Over - Lenny Kravtiz (he has quite a few that i like)

25. Me, Myself and I - Beyonce (how much do i love her, she is hawt and then some. go on girl with ya bad self!)

26. Show Me - John Legend (he could show me some things i sure wouldn't mind)

27. 2 the Sky - Robin Thicke (his last album was really really dope!)

28. I Need You - Alicia Keys (like the deserts need the rain, i have listened to her last album so many times now the cd is skipping)

29. Get By - Talib Kweli

30. One More Night - Phil Collins (influenced by my dad)

31. I'd Rather Be Alone - Karyn White

32. Vision of Love - Mariah Carey

33. Untitled (How Does It Feel?)/Lady - D'Angelo (come back, you're missed!)

34. Where Ever You Are - Terry Ellis

35. If You Love Me (Say it) - Brownstone

36. Hell Bent - Kenna (so talented, take a listen!)

37.

work in progress

feeling awesome

he stood up for me, wow! i feel good.

i want to grow old with everyone i love

i never realized how much hard work goes into starting your own business, sigh. i had plans of getting things off the ground in may but a wise person told me that you don't get a second chance at a first impression and if i don't feel confidant with what i present then it's best to just wait till i am sure of what i have. hmmmm, so inasmuch as i'm a lil disappointed i will wait it out. this way i can probably source some materials from NY. still mad excited though!

yo! Christianity ain' easy. i guess at this stage i can say i am a trying Christian and i know that is bad to say but at least i'm honest. sometimes my body has these burning desires that drive me crazy. should i act on them what should i do? it feels like they're consuming me. there when i go to sleep, as soon as i wake up, when i'm in the shower, eating, wherever it's crazy!

hmmm, men ain't easy. some might say i'm a lil too strict when it comes to relationships but i feel like i've paid my dues and i deserve to be treated with respect ain't? why is it so hard for men to commit fully, why must men keep in touch with their exes? there are certain things that i just don't like and am not comfortable with. and i can be accused of being jealous envious i don't care. i know that is not the case it's simply about closure and not jeopardizing what you have. i wouldn't do that to you so don't do it to me. if the ones from before only knew i'm not too sure they would be accepting your calls. nuff said.

you're too good to him
you totally spoil him
you give him everything
that's why he be actin' the way he's actin'
but...shouldn't i treat my man like a King?
shouldn't i nurture and respect him?
why am i made to feel like a bounded slave
why are my inner desires encaved?
i'm hungry for something
hungry for your empathy
hungry for your sympathy
hungry for your respect
haven't i totally exceeded your ex-pec-ta-tions?

if i am guilty i will pay

what is this obsession with happiness? if i had a bill for every time someone questions me on happiness i'd be mad rich. now don't get me wrong, i too am seeking but i feel like there's pressure on me. every single day...are you happy? are you happy? but hey...are you?

so far today i've managed my time pretty well. here on a coffee break but i won't break too long there is work to be done and by the grace of God i will get through.

blessings....

note to self cut down on the coffee.

i hope you dance.

Underneath this spotted mahogany skin
there is a soulful woman living
within.

Ye i got my perm, sometimes wear it in a curl
but on the inside, i am, at heart
an all natural girl.

Ya see, I’ve come a long way from where I’ve been
Seen some things a girl like me shun’t ever had seen
But I got back my pride still I love my humble pie
When you look in these brown eyes
These honest eyes, no lies
The only thing that lies within me
Is he in I and I as one with HE
And we are.

thank you.

i had a great wk-end.
reggae on the beach was really nice, it's the first time i've been in the island for the reggae fest and at first i was a lil skeptical but i'm glad i didn't listen to anyone's opinion. i went out for myself and i had a fab time.

work this wk and my aim is to manage my time better. i know i can.

hoping for positive change. can you hear me?

i miss solitude but i am thankful for you and i'm glad i surrounded myself with good people this wk-end.
peace.

i know i can. (be what i wanna be)

i wish i had telepathy
then i could transport the thoughts i have of you
and you would come to understand
what it's like for a woman to love a man.

thank you.

it's friday and i'm in a positive mood, i won't let anything today change my attitude cause i ain't stressed and i sure am blessed!

i am still having problems with time management, how is it that i am such a lazy individual, i lose focus so so easily and it's starting to cause problems. still ain't finish the newsletter yet but you know what...today i will!!!!

so last night i threw a surprise anniversary dinner for my dad and his wife seeing they've been married for 15 years and it was going great but then she said something that was like a knife to the chest, she kept saying over and over 'you imagine that i have been with you now for over 30 yrs?" you realize i've been you now for over 30 yrs?" on and on and then by the 4th time i was like, wait, holdup?!?!?!?!?!?!?! how is it that you guys have been together for over 30 yrs and i am only 27? does that mean my dad was messing with her when he had my mother???? sigh* needless to say i got a lil depressed at that thought. MEN%^&*@# anyways, i won't even question it cause i don't want to know the answer furthermore i don't want to know the answer and have that knowledge then i would start wondering if i should tell my mother and blah blah. so i will try to put it out of my mind.

speaking of my mother, we had a realllll good laugh this week at somewhat of a dirty joke but not really but that just goes to show the depth of her sense of humour, she is one hilarious woman and you know those kinda laughs where it is so loud and brawling that you make funny sounds and your face gets distorted well that is how we laughed for like 2 mins, water even came to my eyes lololol. she is just the best, da bomb!!!!

i came up with another name for my second business last night and i am somewhat more excited about this one, excited, nervous, anxious scared, happy you name it. if it is to be it will be but that won't stop me from praying and praying hard that i get it off the ground soon. it's about time i became more that i am.

think i might take in a lil poetic inspiration this wk-end. that might help.

sometimes just knowing is enough. nuff said.

i am sending love, so much love to all my family, friends, animals, workmates, clients and students, people i chance upon, people i don't know, people i want to know, everyone. stay up!

it's only a mountain

thank you india
thank you providence
thank you disillusionment
thank you nothingness
thank you clarity
thank you thank you silence

Alanis Morissette


i just don't know how to finish this newsletter sigh* and it's getting me down cause i know the director is gonna call me up and ask me questions i can't answer sigh*

i had a very educational day. attended an HIV fair at BCC and i learnt a whole heap of stuff that i never knew and some of the plays were really good, though i thought some veered off from the topic at hand by wanting more to evoke laughter but overall it was a commendable effort. there is a lot of young talent in barbados.

brass tacks has been hot all week especially since the prime ministers' address but i mean come on people, do you really expect gas prices to go up all over the world and we go untouched? well, if i thought cost of living was high i guess i ain't see nothing yet. now i started listening to 'tell it like it is' as well and that's pretty good. some of the theories i hear sometimes totally baffle me but everyone is entitled to their own opinion i guess...good stuff though.

you know those moods where you don't feel to see anyone or talk to anyone or interact? well i'm in one of those moods.

went to this place called Taboo two sundays ago to support my friend russell and others for an event they were holding. now i absolutely love supporting my friends in what ever event they have all down to the 'pick up trash day' events but i think i need to be a tad picky in the future. i guess as partying is so not my thing anymore it was suffocatingly hard for me to fit in, to dance (mind you back in the day i used to wine till the sun came up) but now sigh* let's just say it's been a longggggggggg time since i 'wuk-up' lol, am i getting too boring? i found the whole scene yawnful to say the least but i did move a bit to machel.....my weak spot revealed. i would love to attend a good old soca party though and hear early early machel like big truck, early alison and the like, ras iley, plastic bag you name it. now THAT would be my kinda jam.....

went to a play sunday night now that is my kinda jam right there, interesting title 'for colored girls who contemplate suicide when a rainbow is enough" beautiful cast, beautiful women, i loved it from start to finish. i wish i had more plays to go to, i guess this is one of those times i miss NY but don't get me wrong i LOVE barbados and this is where i wanna be ..... for now....

guitar tomorrow but i'm not in the mood to see anyone

i wonder what Fay is doing right this minute.....soon forward

once a label is on something it becomes an it.

black Jezebel
have i seen your face before?
you must be the she-devil
that wanders around in my subconscious
planting seeds in my garden of mistrust.
but nothing grows
for my earth knows
when not to sow
black Jezebel
with your seductive smells
every man's eyes peeled to your coke bottle shell
but everyone is hiding something and so are you
i wonder what you're up to?

thank you.

it's official, my dog jouvais has an identity crisis sigh* granted just by looking at her you can tell that she's a female still she has a lot of male tendencies....i mean how many female dogs pee with their legs raised??? it's so strange and odd and everything that describes weirdness.

i don't know where i would be without my Cetaphil SPF 15 daily moisturizer, seriously, it gives me this glow!

just got home and i'm not even sleepy sigh*

if he cheated with you he will cheat on you. nuff said.

seriously $330 for some x-rays and cataflam for a good old sprained ankle? seriously?

Mocha has so much character already i'm in love with him already.

i've been having some bad dreams recently, what is going on in my subconscious...i've been trying to ignore them but sometimes i feel so nervous when i get ready for bed, it's like i'm asking myself 'what dream will it be tonight?" what dream will i have that will be so disturbing that i stay awake just to avoid seeing it. i need to consult my dream book.

i can hear tosh crying but i am so tired i don't feel like going outside... i hope he stops soon sigh*
i love my animals, they bring peace and calm to my crazy days and they love me unconditionally...

thank you for strength....

woman within

Dear GOD,
i am weak, i am humble, i am wide open. open and willing. open to receive your many blessings and ministry and wiling to make the sacrifices necessary to be a good servant. but i must confess that i am also weak. i pray for strength in the hard times and in the face of adversity. i know if you brought me to it you will see me through it and i pray to be mindful of that phrase whenever my spirit weakens. so today i am humbly praying for strength through you, this is my prayer to you, from your humble narrator.

Amen.

should i feel guilty because i am a quiet Christian? i must admit that i am not as involved in the church as i was in my childhood and teenage years whereas now i am just a member of the congregation but i also love my position. recently, i've been invited to be more involved in the church but i turned it down. right now i feel as if my plate is very full with work and other extra-curricular activities so i don't feel i would be capable of fully committing. that being said why then, do i feel so guilty? so badly? as if i am doing something wrong. i enjoy church just as much as everyone else but is there more i should be doing? i will pray for guidance.

i am blessed and a lil stressed right now but hey no one said it would be easy, who am i to demand a free ride? i just need to keep believing in myself even when i feel like i can't understand or have control over what is going on around me, over the people who are supposed to be close to me but somehow don't place my existence in high value. i have the peace of mind to get me through and i know i am strong, i have to believe i am strong if not my weakness will consume me. i know i can be more than i can possibly envision but no one will believe me until i believe in me.

i got my new pup yesterday, he is so adorable i decided to name him Mocha......

thank you for another week of work, family, friends and acquaintances.

i don't even know what to say just in awe of my fatigue

i am actually sleepy :)

thank you for baggy eyes and endless yawns...i'm going to sleep

time for me to shine.....

Blessings......
i am lying on the sand
listening to the waves as they crash against the shore
lost in thought letting my mind drift
losing myself in the sounds of the beauty that is around me
i can never understand what it took to make such a beautiful world
i can never fathom the artistry yet i an ever amazed
and i sit quietly and let my thoughts take me
on yet another spiritual journey
i am blessed.
Yes!!!

thank you.

my dad was 63 yesterday, boy is he old. thank you Lord for granting him such longevity and i wish him many more years or success, health and happiness.

today i feel strange.

so i am in smoothie heaven! i will no longer be giving cafe moya my $8, nope, no way. i have sourced their sources and now i get the product directly from them ha! this morning i made my first banana berry and it was awesome, all now i'm still full. holla!

i've been working so hard and not getting any sleep. picking back up my old habits, last night i was up in bed just staring at the ceiling, wrote a bit, listened to music, thought some more. chaaaa, now today i'm so tired.

i've been thinking about some things i shouldn't be thinking about sigh* my mind my mind.

thank you for the strength to get up this morning when i know i could've used like 4 more hours.

Seek ye first the Kingdom of God and his Righteousness......

Jesus.....
you knew me before my time
you molded a beautiful mind
i come to you a sinner and ashamed
yet i feel glorified when i hear your name.....Jesus!

thank you for your example....

yesterday's church service was the best one i've had since i moved back, wait no, ah lie, the service i had on my b'day was pretty great but then again it was a visiting minister at my church not even my home minister and then yesterday i went to St. Matthias so there i am faced again with getting the spiritual food i need from people who are not from my church sigh* (oh woe is me) and i can't say i'm a big Anglican person but that church was da bomb! i thoroughly enjoyed the service, it was so interactive and real man, i miss churches like that! reminded me a bit of NY at least on the inspirational level, i would love to make that my home church but chaaa it's so far and then my mum might feel a way that we aren't ministering together so that's another issue but it has given me the soul power i need for this week. i even wrote a verse whilst in church (i know that's bad) but it inspired me. pity i left it home but i'll probably upload it later.


http://www.cnn.com/2008/US/04/06/mlk.role.church/index.html

Kevin sent me this link and i found it rather interesting, i've been reading a lot recently about prosperity preachers and how they have been leading people astray with their "successful living"theory as the way to God, neglecting to mention that Christians suffer as well. i will just upload the correspondence we had after reading this article.

On 4/6/08 3:44 PM, "Vanya " wrote:

this was a good article thanks for sharing.

i think a lot boils down to what people think "living the best life they can" is as we mostly hear that once u do good u will get good, that was always a motivation for me. it would be hard for people to understand that being a Christian also means that there may be suffering as well plus a lot of poor people who make up like half of jakes' congregation don't want to hear that even though they're poor now the possibility exists that they may spend the rest of their lives being poor even though they are Christians. especially living in the USA where there is so much ugliness around, ppl tend to want something positive to hold onto i guess.

what is your view of priests and the like, living luxurious lives? (cars, big house, brand name clothes)

Dear Vanya,
The thing about the prosperity message is that if you teach it according the bible, it’s short, concise and maybe too simple for people to accept. From the book of Matthew the scripture reads

“25"Therefore I tell you, do not worry about your life, what you will eat or drink; or about your body, what you will wear. Is not life more important than food, and the body more important than clothes? 26Look at the birds of the air; they do not sow or reap or store away in barns, and yet your heavenly Father feeds them. Are you not much more valuable than they? 27Who of you by worrying can add a single hour to his life?
28"And why do you worry about clothes? See how the lilies of the field grow. They do not labor or spin. 29Yet I tell you that not even Solomon in all his splendor was dressed like one of these. 30If that is how God clothes the grass of the field, which is here today and tomorrow is thrown into the fire, will he not much more clothe you, O you of little faith? 31So do not worry, saying, 'What shall we eat?' or 'What shall we drink?' or 'What shall we wear?' 32For the pagans run after all these things, and your heavenly Father knows that you need them. 33But seek first his kingdom and his righteousness, and all these things will be given to you as well. 34Therefore do not worry about tomorrow, for tomorrow will worry about itself. Each day has enough trouble of its own.”

If you read that and understand it, that’s it in a nutshell. The error with the prosperity gospel is that it makes “successful living” the motive for coming to Christ. This is a deception for we are to come to Christ because we recognize we are sinners who need to repent and seek God’s mercy that is made available through the blood atonement of this same Jesus Christ. I can tell you that historically, many of the early Christians were persecuted, lived in poverty and even beheaded and executed. According to the standard these prosperity preachers are using today, these people lived very unsuccessful lives. I remember there is a verse, I can’t quite remember where it is in the bible but it talks about Paul and Barnabas receiving lashes for having preached the gospel when forbidden to do so. After that they actually rejoiced for having suffered for the sake of the kingdom. Besides that they were homeless for a while and were in jail as well. In fact Paul, I think died in jail, beheaded by the Roman emperor Nero.

Now being a Christian doesn’t mean god will not bless you and you’re destined to live a life of suffering. He will bless you according to his will, in his time and in his own way. It may not be riches, it may be, it may not be infamy, it may be...you don’t know. What you do know is that if you seek him first and his righteousness then everything else that you need for this temporal life will be given to you. But it’s nothing compared to what you will receive in the life here after and that is what we Christians are looking for. “A city not made by man but whose architect and builder is God.”

With that I leave you with scripture. From Philippians chapter 3:

“7But whatever was to my profit I now consider loss for the sake of Christ. 8What is more, I consider everything a loss compared to the surpassing greatness of knowing Christ Jesus my Lord, for whose sake I have lost all things. I consider them rubbish, that I may gain Christ 9and be found in him, not having a righteousness of my own that comes from the law, but that which is through faith in Christ—the righteousness that comes from God and is by faith. 10I want to know Christ and the power of his resurrection and the fellowship of sharing in his sufferings, becoming like him in his death, 11and so, somehow, to attain to the resurrection from the dead.

12Not that I have already obtained all this, or have already been made perfect, but I press on to take hold of that for which Christ Jesus took hold of me. 13Brothers, I do not consider myself yet to have taken hold of it. But one thing I do: Forgetting what is behind and straining toward what is ahead, 14I press on toward the goal to win the prize for which God has called me heavenward in Christ Jesus.”

Regards

i have to share this article with some of my friends and see what opinions i get. i wonder what lars would say?

i will not mention you when the reckoning comes

Growth.....
i am learning that sometimes i have to make mistakes over and over before i truly learn the lesson.

i am learning that no matter how hard i try people will only change when they want to.

i am learning to see the good in people where i didn't think any good exists. i am learning it is there i just need to be patient.

i am learning that it is ok to quarrel sometimes, clear the air so to speak. i've always heard it's better out than in. (austin powers)

i am learning that in order for me to find a good man i have to start by being a good woman.

i am learning that is it never too late to turn to God.

i am learning that it's ok to give without getting. (that was hard)

i am learning that i should always follow my dreams and not get caught up in others' dreams as i might never accomplish my own.

i am learning that no matter how genuine you are nor how you present yourself to people they will only see the wrong you did. and i am learning not to care.

i am learning that you can show people sides of you and they can use those sides against you and when you start showing them nothing they're still not satisfied damn! so i am learning to just accept who i am and that i won't be liked by all but that i already am blessed with good people in my life and that should be enough.

i am learning not to hold onto pain so strongly. let it go, let God and live!

i am learning to forgive slowly but surely.

thank you. (for now.....)


it's friday!!!!! holla!!!!! thank goodness, i am so pooped it ain't funny. i am really looking forward to sunday cause i have work all day tomorrow :( how crazy is that but i gotta be thankful for my j-o-b.

april will be my month of soul. i'm gonna connect to soul sistas, soul brothas, soul mamas and papas. imma spread my soul seeds so far that i'll go st. lucy n see some of my soul there....liming. ow!

i got my new tree last night and she is beautiful, i wonder how long it takes for an almond tree to grow and i really hope the dogs don't dig it up, oh please don't dig her up she is just too beautiful, i think i will name her Tallulah.

so i said i'd name the new dog milo but now i'm hearing that's too common a dog name blah blah so it's back to the drawing board hmmm......

i still need to work on my time management or request a cut down on the amount of work i am given, i find that i have loads of work and then when i'm home i'm working too or at least thinking about work, that's just crazy yo! i gotta keep myself in check more.

the world is made up of so many different people, different personalities and different backgrounds. in my past i used to be so snobbish and i looked down on people a lot. when i think back to those days i feel so ashamed. who was i to judge. now i have a more open mind the ways of my past still haunt me sometimes. but i will not give up. life is a journey and i'm committed to seeing it through till the end.

my music sustains me when you don't. nuff said.

life is so short and we take so many things for granted. i don't wanna start living everyday like it's my last but i want to continue to grow as i age and i can only ask to grow old with the people i love.

God Bless.

misunderstood (we are)

"Baba Says Cool For Thought"
They thought it was cool to burn crosses on your front lawn as they hung you from trees in your backyard
They thought it was cool to leave you thirsty and stranded, Katrina!
He thought it was cool to carry a gun in his classroom and open fire, Virginia Tech, Columbine Stop the violence!
They thought it was cool to tear down the projects and put up million dollar condos, Gentrification
They think it's cool to stand on the block hiding product in their socks to make quick dime bag dollars
They think it's cool to ride down on you in blue and white unmarked cars busting you upside your head
Freeze...
'Cause the problem is we think it's cool too
Check your ingredients before you overdose, on The Cool...

by Iesha Jaco

i have this hunger, this burning, what is it on my mind? you would think it wasn't me, that they weren't my thoughts. yet somehow, they are elusive to even me. i haven't written a verse in long, working on my album but i think i need a lil poetic break. word.

today was a better day than yesterday. thank you for not sinking any further.

people only show you what they want you to see. nuff said.

work this wk-end sigh* i feel like i've been going and going not stopping and i'm a lil tired, mentally drained, whatever you wanna call it. i could use a wk in the Bahamas or sum.....i'm really looking forward to my trip. i could use a lil cold on my bones, it's hot in Barbados!

angie stone is going to be at st. lucia jazz and i can't go AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!!!!!!!!
i feel a lil better now. i know she will give a good show!

seriously if i hear that chris brown song one more time i am gonna scream, would you believe my mother even has it as her ring tone. my mother who doesn't even no how to send a text ot change from ring to vibrate. who doesn't even know how to turn off her cell phone??????????? i blame lana. lol. but seriously i am way tired of that song and to me the beginning sounds like "irreplaceable" by beyonce. but hey, that's just me.

kanye's new stage is awesome, damn! i should be there, i can only hope i catch him when i travel, he's da bomb!

i am learning, learning how to come out on top, learning that i am who i am and that's a blessing, learning that i don't need you or anyone to validate my mind or my thoughts. i am learning that there is good in everyone. even if we don't get along there's good in you, i have to believe that in order for us to co-exist.

thank you for constantly testing me, i am growing stronger through you.

she could've been....

Endings...
is this really the end
or is your life now beginning?
i've heard rumours about heaven
and i could only imagine your vision -
as you open your eyes
and behold God in all his majesty
the sadness that weighed down your heart now lifted
even shifted as you can look down now on your beautiful family
and be the guardian angel over their paths forever.
smile at this blessing and we will too at your memory......

thank you for being part of my schools days.



i knew Tonya..

i can't say we were bosom buddies but we went to school together she was a star athlete and me a lowly cheerleader but still i remember cheering her on. she was always big in size and i think that's what made her stand out cause regardless of her size she moved fast! really fast.

and her heart was just as big, very bubbly and kind-hearted. i have never heard anyone utter a bad word about her. so it goes, when you leave school you usually leave people behind, lose contacts, the usual but she came back to my memory when i saw her graduate from law school last yr i was like wow! i'd checked the newspaper to see some of my friends (who called me incessantly to make sure i read the advocate) but there i saw Tonya as well. i was like wow! made me feel proud to see so many combermerians and to see an old pal from school doing well.

then my mother asked me on sunday if i knew the girl that died......i was like a girl died? how old? she goes she was 24 so i'm like oh, i didn't know many of the lower school students (there's my damn ego again sigh*) but she started to give me some details, i was like hmmmm, was she an athlete? she couldn't say. was she a lawyer? again couldn't say. so i mourned the loss of a young combermerian and went no further.

saw a few missed calls on my phone yesterday from my mother but i just hate cell phones to be honest so i said i'd call her back when i got to a land line. finally she got through to me as i was worried by the 3rd call that it was something serious and she told me yes, she was an athlete. and it was then my heart sank. somehow, even though there were a plethora of athletes i knew her age, i just knew it was her.

i am still in shock. i just can't believe it. why? she was so talented and i admired the fact that she stayed with the same person for so long, she started a family young but still managed to balance a career as well and therefore securing a strong future for her family. i mean how many people her age can say they've accomplished that. it was her heart that ultimately took her life. it was probably over-flowing with all the goodness, good friends and good deeds she'd accomplished over her short 24 years. and today i feel a sense of over-whelming sadness, i do. gone too soon.

i will keep her family in my prayers. i pray that those beautiful girls grow up and learn about how strong and determined their mother was. how much she loved them and did all she could for them to be here and how she ultimately sacrificed her life for theirs.

she will truly be missed and my one regret right now is that i didn't check up on this news earlier and because of my laziness i missed the funeral, i missed the chance to say good-bye to an old school mate. i will never act so slowly again.

God Bless her as i know she is up there with you.

Tonya Shantelle Nicole Howard
Sunrise: January 7th, 1984
Sunset: March 25th, 2008

you will always be remembered......

i get it.

Thank you.....
People come into your life, some seasons
With or without reasons….lifetimes
Feels like a new day since you’ve been in mine
And I am thankful, I am grateful
for the love that we’ve made
the mistakes too i guess we grow when we want to
i'm thankful for the ups and downs
the trials and the victories too
but most of all, i am thankful for you....

so, thank you.

today was a challenge but i have finally broken free. i feel happy to be here to be alive and to give. i mean seriously, why not, i ain't busy.

thankful for work and for giving my all even when i am sleepy and ain't had my first cup of coffee. seriously, i need to stop.

and i'm thankful for the different experiences i have everyday, granted sometimes i feel like i am a walking soap opera nonetheless everything leads me back to you, to God, so...thank you.

more times....