...i keep....

i have to laugh......cause i don't wanna cry
i gotta live.......cause i don't wanna die
i must keep going.....cause i'm searching for joy
the joy in my heart.......even if for a second
even if it's a lie.....cause i can't handle the truth.

thank you.

i keep holding onto something that cannot fulfill me.

i keep wondering what my next move should be?

i keep wondering what lies ahead of me?

i keep wondering "is that all there is?"

thought that you were wise but you were otherwise

i'm turning into a woman
i don't even recognize
it isn't true what
they say about 9 lives
my 6th, 7th and 8th died
at the same time. so now
i'm down to my last life line
and all those tales i'm realizing
are all lies...

thank you.

i'm having a great week, dinner on monday was great and sex and the city was worth the wait definitely, i got some fashion hints for sure and this year it will be on!

second doubts, third doubts, you name it, i'm having it.

why?

who's been asking 'bout me?

he brushed my sleeve
and now i can't breathe
damn! why did he have to touch me?
i am jonesing....

thank you.

what a wonderful week-end, my cousin got married and the ceremony was just awesome, man, i have the blueprint in my head now for my future husband.

happy birthday nef! dinner should be nice tonite.

now me being the big critic that i am and leaning more towards neo-soul rap i am totally surprised at how much i am loving lil weezy's album, track 2, track 7, track 8 (robin thicke hellooooo) track 10 yeah yeah!!! feeling it, feeling it. he's no kanye but he's weezy baBY!!!!

so i started my new diet today, not diet to lose weight of course but to build muscle and have a healthier intake. i am loving it so much, wasn't too sure about the oats in the morning but they're not that bad and it's giving me a chance to practice my cooking since certain people keep saying i can't cook. but seriously cooking is over-rated lol

hoping to draw positivity closer to me this week.

i am strengthening.....

being

i woke up this morning not sure how i was gonna face today but it was just too beautiful to let waste away and instead of spending my time bluesin' i decided to spend some time singing....and i know i can't sing but man i was singing today everything from des'ree to marvin gaye

now i feel better.....

me, myself and misery

i feel miserable today, where is the joy that consumed me yesterday?

i don't know what i want anymore, i was so sure that this was where i should be but now, uncertainty, hmmmm, i think i'll take it to the Lord in prayer. i never in my life imagined it would be this hard to find a good job when i moved back, now i have regrets? i don't know. but for the rest of the day i'll try to think happy thoughts. and it's not that i don't like the job i have now, i was blessed when i found it but now i'm feeling a bit under-valued. but is that what i want? do i want recognition? i don't know what i want and that is the problem.

and with stress comes my acne, it's getting back as bad as it was before and that alone is depressing, i'm finally becoming more social and going out but now i feel to hide in my house. at least my animals love me :)

i really haven't been as creative as i should be and i miss NY. (and yes justin you're right, i'm too whiny)

i am misery wrapped in something slender yet i am always pointing fingers, hmmm, i need to check my phalanges.

Jill Scott is Beautiful......

oh man i have been blessed to watch one of the best movies i have seen in a while, awe man, being black is wonderful. if you haven't yet then you have to watch why did i get married? i loved EVERYTHING about it, it was soulful, it was sad, it was joyous, it was everything and it has moved me to writing.

firstly, when i compare the good to the bad, (and trust me there is some bad/unbearable/miserable/i could go on lol) the good shines more and i'm thankful for the good times and i'm thankful for you. nuff said. besides i'm imperfect myself.

i love love my girlfriends and i wouldn't change any of them for the world, even the ones that've hurt me, left me, betrayed me, i still love you wherever you are cause i haven't always been the best either and i know each one of you were there for me in some way during my sad times. i think i need to let you gals know how much you really mean to me more.

sidebar - why are my eyes filling with H2O? hmmmmmm

being black is beautiful
being black is beautiful
being black is beautiful
black is beautiful.....

i am going to bed a blessed woman :)

today i'm celebrating being black....

i read a really interesting article in the sunday sun about being black. how can you tell how black someone is if they were born of a white mother and spent 9 months being in a white woman and so forth. i immediately remembered this poem i read years ago that started off "being black is a state of mind......" how do we tell who is truly black, by their skin colour? by how they act? you always hear how black someone is getting on, how some white rappers feel they're black based on the way they spit and i'm like eh? so then what is it?

am i more black than a person who might have a white mother or father? am i more black than what bajans would call a high red person? am i more black because i like wrap skirts and i wear oils? am i not black because i listen to "white music" (what is that?) am i blacker because i identify with the african diaspora? hmmmm, i have so many questions as a "black" woman, a coloured woman...so if i'm coloured would that make everyone else colourless? or are they coloured as well?

i don't know, being black seems to be difficult, being black means that i have to take offence when someone other than another "black" person says 'nigga' hey, let's abolish the word to begin with. granted i am guilty of using it too but no more, i've become more negro conscious. being 'black' means that i should support OJ even if he is guilty. being 'black' means that i deserve affirmative action as that is my only hope of 'making it'. man being black gives me a headache sometimes.

but i have no complaints. this whole black thought is what drives and sustains me. it gives me an identity and a history and pushes me forward constantly and it's not a bother at all.

besides everyone always likes my tan.....

black is...
black is how i like my coffee in the morning
black used to be the colour of my heart's mourning
now it's bright yellow...

black is mellow and fierce at the same time
black is the ink of the pen which writes my rhymes
black is bad? uh uh, to me, never looked more good
black is the shape of motherhood

black smells like rich cocoa on winter evenings
black is my soul radiating from within
damn! black is what's happening!

if black is beautiful then everything else must be ugly
it must suck to be a different colour than me.
hey, what colour are you?


i am evolving and i am thankful for all the rain, my tree needed it.

black and white

right before i step up to the mic
seconds before i hit the stage
you're there trying to pull me down?
don't you ever get tired of being so negative?

there's no more room for you here
you're lease has expired get out
i have the joy of chorus in my heart
and there is no longer any room for self-doubt.

so i had to buss a rhyme but i'm sorry your...time...is..up!
peace.

i had a fabulous vacation, oh man i don't even know where to start. i guess the best part was celebrating my granny's 80th b'day, man that broad is getting old. she still has one of the best sense of humours anywhere and i hope she lives to see many more.

so i decided to take to the clothes selling business, just something to do on the side for ppl who don't get to travel and this is proving harder than i'd originally imagined as it entails speaking to people. eeeeeeek! i am such a contradiction i know as my job requires me to talk non-stop but actually going up to strangers chaaaa, i just can't do it. my throat chokes up and i end up saying some dribble. case in point friday evening. what was that about? went like this "hi, i have some clotheskj ahvgda ahv havgd sell" lmao. how funny i'm laughing now but i was like bright pink then. anyways i'll try again tomorrow. gotta make some sales yo!

sigh* my job, should i start job hunting? at least i've finished the newsletter sigh***

last night with the girls was great!!! i actually enjoyed myself and didn't leave after an hour (i have to remember to pat my back tomorrow) and i danced lol, infact not only did i dance (i wuk-up a lil bit) hahahahahaha. good times. happy birthday mel :)

well it's off to bed for me. life is beautiful so i wouldn't complain but recently i feel like i know i am gonna take a different direction and that thought alone scares the poop outta me but i will 'keep keeping on' and do my do, i am so blessed how 'bout you?

i am too soft at times, i really need to grow a thicker skin.

thank you solitude.