i don't want what i haven't got

i'm feeling a lil down today :(

i 'm working hard, i mean i really am, hustling, just hustling everyday doing different things for different people and organizations, finally in a work field that is somewhat rewarding and getting paid next to nothing, and most of the time it doesn't get me down but today i am feeling it. especially when i look back at how i've lived my life and especially how independent i was for the past 3 yrs, not that i regret moving back but i just feel down. money, stupes, always about the green, this green paper, better yet green demon. and now i'm torn between making more money or staying in jobs i like. i don't know, i've prayed and i will just continue to seek God and guidance but i am down. on days like these i just feel to curl up in my bed alone with my teddy bear ziggy but i am here today and i have to talk to ppl and i have to socialize when i'm just not feeling it. these are the times my faith gets tested and i guess hey, i'm not as strong as i thought i was.

men are something else, my best friend's dad had 2 minor heart attacks before he had the major one that ultimately took his life and he never told anyone and now my grandfather has had this pain in his back for the past two yrs and never said a word now, he has a hernia. i mean i just don't get it, i know he's getting old and his body will go through changes but when they are situations that u can have some control over and nothing is said man that bites me. i just don't understand. now he has to get surgery at his age 86. and now i'm here and not there to take care of him sigh. that was one of my fears of moving back to barbados, i was like supposed when i go something goes wrong with my grandparents. and everyone knows i have a soft spot for my grandfather. at first i was just so angry with him but i guess i just can't understand how it feels to be him and to become totally and completely dependent on others. i just wish he would've told at least me, we're close, at least i thought so and he couldn't even tell me :( but wah ya could do nah.....

now jouvais. i got her spayed yesterday and now i don't even know if i made the right decision, even though i know its still early but she seems so lethargic and depressed. she's not eating and not moving, it's been yrs since i got a dog spayed so i can't even say i remember how they usually are but i hope by this evening she is in better spirits.

the sun is shining so brightly today but i feel as if a cloud is right over my head