knowing is growing

YOU....

Love is you in the morning looking back at me
giving me the strength to be all i envision spiritually
Love is you in the harmony of this melody
Love is you speaking to me with you heart,
I can hear every beat in the music of my feet.
And I wanna dance, I wanna shout, I wanna let everyone know what this good feeling in my soul is all about. It’s about the God in my heart and the love that pumps breaths into me, it’s about you.

It’s about you....thank you.


i finally finished the album i started back in 2004 phew! now all i have to tackle is world peace.

i had such a beautiful day today, my students were excellent, my clients were talkative and willing and work was just fine. i am blessed with so many ummm, blessings that sometimes i just can't find the words to say :)

what goes around comes around. nuff said.

i am getting so tired of my hair sometimes, i think i need to buy either a curling iron or am, what's it called a flat iron cause i'm getting bored of putting it in one but then it's too hot nowadays to wear it open (oh woe is me) maybe i should just cut it off........woah, what just happened there, hmmm, i think i blacked out. (was that my body's unconscious way of shutting down when it heard me mention cutting off my hair?)..........woahhhhh, happened again. how weird.

i feel so very positive about this week that i really, truly hope and pray i can maintain this feeling cause as we all know i am very up and down, and this up and down can be very trying "lemme tell ya!"

so much work to do but i won't even think about it until i step into the office tomorrow morning. i am looking forward to a good night's sleep.

so from sunday i decided to go on an Internet purge, i can get lost looking at page after page of celebrities (i know how shameful, only A-listers tho, lol) and then i am always looking at clothes, as non-materialistic i like to play i am i just laaaves clothes. clothes and shoes sigh*. i have a pair of pants that i honestly wish i could wear every single day, if it weren't for societal pressures i would honestly beat them everyday, everywhere and if they got dirty, wash them hang them out and beat them fresh the next day, what??? chaaaa but what a fashion faux pas being caught in the same outfit twice or close to each other (the horror) stupesssssssss, i think things were better when we all walked around naked. i think i'll take a page outta nef's book though and have a sale, all of these clothes that i don't wear (seeing i go nowhere) and that are taking up space. i don't need the baggage, i can't take any of this ish to the grave and it's time i stepped away once and for all from that self that "watched face" and had to be "branding" it, stupes, i'm so over it!

late night snack? yes plz!

man i am so blessed i wanna like spread my blessings to everyone and help them too to understand their blessings.

sidebar (i just really wish this hair dryer would ping)

but i am going to continue on my internet purge, i used the world wide web to do things i don't want to do, my msn depresses me and i hate checking my email (i mean 150 msgs seriously??? sigh*)

i will just blog and watch online tv until sunday. good luck and God speed.

ping!!!!
holla!!!!!!!!!!!!!

signs and signals

POSITIVE BLUESIN'...(it's in the attitude dude)
i woke up this morning with the wind blowing in my face
the Lord has blessed me with yet another day, hooray!
in the the kitchen making some brain food
i'm in the mood for a spiritual attitude
today will be one of those "happy go lucky" days
i've cast all my pains away, today...things are brighter than before
God has granted me one more, one more try at getting it right.
Thank you Lord and i'll try not to disappoint.


i had a fantabulous Easter wk-end, great friends, great family, fabulous company i can't complain better yet i shouldn't complain. i am blessed yes! and so thankful to live to see another day. my first Easter back in Barbados did not disappoint and i ate a bit too much yesterday (which i am paying for today) but hey i feel energized, i feel positive and i'm gonna try to spread all i can. feelings like this should not be kept inside.

back to work tomorrow but imma try to have a different attitude, spend less time blogging and more working so i wont have to take any work home this week, uh uh, no way. home should be my place of rest not unease. i plan on getting plenty of sleep this week. no more late nights either. so caught up with myself i didn't even walk the dogs yesterday nor today, shame shame. i will work on that as well, besides i def need the exercise (i think all that food went to my thighs sigh*)

i am so thankful for my friends, i had a few visitors today, i just love entertaining (as long as it doesn't involve me cooking) but i just had a great day and i'm going to sleep happy. who knows what this week will bring me, but i pray for the strength of perseverance, no matter what may come my way i will take it, break it, re-shape it or throw it away. i will not hold onto things that will bring me down and i will try to make more changes.

i am so thankful for my computer that allows me to get all of my feelings and thoughts out especially when i am too lazy to write it. i am thankful for my super cool family and friends, my beautiful animals and i am thankful to live to see another day. i can only ask for like hmmmmm, thousands more.

vanya was here!

'life is too short to be wearing bad outfits!' - sueann

still up sigh*

i have like 5 reports to write up tomorrow at work, i wish i'd taken the time to finish them this evening but geez it was 6.45 and i was hungry. who stays at their job at that time? i mean seriously?

i have to correct myself, not everything on the radio is bad, 'down to brass tacks' is so much tight tune. that show honestly makes my day and i think i like mr. marshall the best, he just has a way of silencing everyone, and you can always tell when he is so over a caller.....good times

Madonna is an icon, nuff said.

group today was so, what's the word, interesting. i really need to open my mind. i guess because i wasn't born into a life that was filled with hardships i wouldn't understand how the youth, especially young boys, would have the mindset they have. i need to start thinking outside of myself. the thoughts and theories i heard today baffle me to a point of absurdity yet i am very intrigued. they fed off of each other like there was a feeding frenzy, everyone wanting to show the other how much 'badder' they were. all i can say is wow! i thoroughly enjoyed it.

i think i'll go count some sheep

i'm thankful for the days to come......

minipulate the mind shape and get your back ripped

i am so sleepy, another sleepless night. and i can't say there's anything on my mind really besides the usual but i just couldn't fall into a nice deep slumber. oh woe is me. i think i am becoming a workaholic like my dad and i don't want to become that kinda person. what is it with me bringing work home? working on the wk-ends when i should be liming. i think i spend my time up at night thinking about the work i have to do the next day. if i would learn how to manage my time better i wouldn't have these issues instead of spending my time say, blogging.........lol

i am so looking forward to this long wk-end. i'll try to hit the beach. watch some tv online (who has time for regular tv?) spend some tlc with my dogs, they must really be feeling neglected recently. try to take in some photography. i've really been getting some nice shots recently, but i'd like to get a picture of the sunset (how cliche) but hey, i want it. i think i need to broaden my scope tho, ye nature is nice but i gotta find something that is more original....oh how i wish i'd get a bright idea right now

so how much do i hate listening to the radio? ALOT!!!! how i wish we had some satellite radio up in this joint (oh woe is me) the endless talking and cracking of corny jokes, the varying accents (i mean are we in barbados aren't we?) and the repetition of the same songs over and over, sigh* where is the originality. less reggae more jazz, less commercial rap more neo-rap (i mean like those underground artists are ppl too geez) more trip hop, more something. i mean seriously if i have to hear "with you" one more time i'm gonna puke!!!!! that chris brown is cute though.......

i'm hungry....

i think i'm too naive sometimes and this naivety is causing me now to be so suspicious of everyone, everyone's actions. why can't everyone just be genuine, it's like we are all wearing masks hiding our true selves and we're forced to conform. what would it be like to be in a non-conformist system? i guess at the end of the day i just have to always try to remain true to myself. i am the only person i can count on when it comes to certain things.....

i'm hungry......

1.11 pm, what a weird time, but i should get back to work. this anger management group this evening should be interesting. these young boys have so much anger and are so quick to use their hands and not their minds. opportunities knocking at their door and yet they refuse to answer. i just asked one of my clients, why do you smoke weed? he said to get high, so i was like well why not eat it? you can get high the same way, he was like "chaaa den, i ainno" typical. this notion of "belonging" i feel is what drives people's actions. how foolish would he look if when he went on the block and everyone was smoking he pulled out a turkey sandwich and sprinkled the weed on it instead, lol. he laughed at that, (i think i stil got it!) he laughed but still had no answer for me. so i'm left with the same question.....why smoke?

i'm thankful for today, thankful for life, i'm so blessed and i recognize that more as i grow older and every morning i wake up it's like God is giving me yet another try at getting it right.

thanks.

awake when i should be sleeping...

i was just talking to a friend of mine and he asked me if i was happy. coincidence....don't know.

graeme - "are you happy?"
me - "happiness is i don't know"
graeme - "happiness is satisfaction......if your satisfaction is based on an unrealistic standard you will never be happy......make the best of what you have and be satisfied"

easier said than done, but i'll take his word for it, he's one of the wisest men i know and i guess he's found it.

i think i realise why i have been so moody today. i haven't slept in 3 days sigh* it's like my mind just won't stop churning, it's going and going even when i'm dreaming so i wake up at 4 a.m. staring at the ceiling......i need some shut eye. some sound rest. i am blessed so why am i so uneasy?

injecting reason where it was absent

i am too moody, seriously, i really need to work on it, no wonder people look at me sometimes as if i'm crazy lol. i just seem to switch from joyful, to quiet, to touchy, to weepy so fast i sometimes can't even keep up with myself. and granted my good friends have gotten used to me after all this time but what about people who are now getting to know me, who might not get that it's not them, it's me. sigh.

take this morning for instance, this morning i woke up feeling really good but when i got to work i didn't feel like talking to anyone and i wish everyone would stop talking to me for a few hours, not that i'm in a mood or anything i just don't feel like using my voice, lol. i really need a life to think that people will make allowances for when i feel like and don't feel like talking. it's funny but i wish it could happen :)

i have so much work to do it's crazy yo! i am up to my you know what in reports, i feel like i have been eating sleeping and breathing reports, i wish i had this chip in my head that i could connect to my pc so that i would think what i want to write and then the computer types it out for me, spell checks and send it out. (hum......business idea?) as if!

my mother hasn't even called me for the morning dread, imagine that. i'll give her like 3 more mins

food on my mind, what to eat, what to eat?

stay up! (pack light)

work can really start to suck you dry and i'm feeling it. how can i not? seeing people everyday who have to deal with some circumstances that i could never even imagine. some poverty stricken individuals, individuals with some serious mental problems, chaaa, today it is really affecting me and bringing me down. i know they say you shouldn't take your work home with you but it is hard.

and then working with these kids, that is hard as well. so many of them can't even read, write or spell. some schools that used to be so highly regarded now falling at the wayside. what will become of my children and my children's children. it makes me feel like my generation has failed. we are not setting the examples and providing our future with the resources they need to maintain themselves. we as adults are setting bad examples, living promiscuous lives, no wonder i could have a student ask me about "trunking"....imagine that. what will become of barbados if we are raising illiterate children. back to the plantation?

i have to try to maintain my balance though, i am here for a reason, for a mission, there is a divine reason i was called home. truth be told i'm gonna have to learn how to separate myself from my clients. i guess i was a bit soft anyway. i guess i am gonna have to harden up where they are concerned.

i am thankful though, thankful that i haven't given up hope as yet.....

i'm glad i have Nefertiti in my life

it is so hot in Barbados! seriously! i mean gosh, just for a lil wind, a lil cold front something, anything. i am sweltering......

today is a pretty quiet day for me, i'll use it as a day for reflection. went to this show on sunday that was so awe inspiring, i wish camesha was here to share it with me, she is one person i know that would totally and completely appreciate the message. africa, africanism. i think i will write a piece on it hmmmmm......

"i feel......to fly......cause i......am looking to the sky......and i can't lie........i.....am.....feeling......high.
i am......a spiritual butterfly.....yes....with straightened hair but that don't make me any less........of an african heir......"

hum...i like, i'll work on that one more this evening. but ye this guy man he was so deep and evoked so many different emotions for me, too much to type, you would've had to be there, but i think the changes he has brought out in me will speak for themselves.

trust is so important in any kind of relationship. nuff said.

i believe in myself and my capabilities, i just have to keep pressing onwards, looking to the sky and try to stay as fly as i possibly can, holla!

more times......

so i could open up my mind

i feel so lucid, so weak, what is it that is draining me? what is it?

i'm so thankful for yet another week but i'm feeling so tired, tired and sleepy, how i wish i was snuggled in my bed right now. didn't sleep well last night, are my thoughts keeping me awake? i can't run from my mind no matter how hard i try, forcing me to deal with things that i don't even want to deal with or think about. sigh. but i am giving thanks for my mind.

why is it so hard with you? if they all only knew, you're no angel. and the blindfolds are coming off finally. i don't see me with you sometimes.

i know everyone thinks their mother is the best and i guess i can see where they're coming from and all but i have to say my mother is so close to perfection it scares me. yes she is habitually late and claims she knows every single thing under the sun but other than that the things that matter to me, that i would want to come from a mother she has it in abundance. she is loving, kind, appreciative of any little thing, understanding, non-judgmental (which is important seeing the mistakes i've made, lol) she always gave me my room to be myself and to explore and she also trusted me from a young age, so that gave me a comfort of knowing i could come to her anytime about anything and just talk. the things my mum and i talk about, hmmmm, her friends would probably be like "beverley i can't believe you let her say things like that to you" as if! stupes, too bouj if ya ask me. she is just down to earth man, she can hang and she's my kinda chick, straight up. and i love her. she is probably the only person in the world i feel comfortable telling that i love.

i do, i have problems saying those 3 words, and yes i may write on them, poems for days on love and the like, hey, i use my imagination. i imagine when i was in love a time, what it felt like and i put that to paper. i listen to my friends describe how they feel and i put that to paper. i look at life, at the world, people i bump in, chance upon, used to look at people on the train a lot, especially in the train station, trying to draw my energy from them. i would get so many different emotions from just looking at a person or just listening. NY was my haven. trying to find that connection somewhere in bim. it's coming though.....i can feel it.

last week was a tough week for me, but again i am thankful for my trials. Lord, help me to rise above the past and look forward. if it be your will grant me the strength for perseverance.

i am a woman.

restless connections

i have the flu and it is driving me crazy. gotta give thanks though for the ability to fight it off

it has been proven, once you change your thoughts into more positive thoughts then things around you start to change. last week was so interesting for me, more job opportunities opened up, interviews and the like and now it's like i'm holding all the cards and it feels good. but the big decision comes tomorrow. which job should i take? one that will keep me on my career path? or one that would offer me more money? i know one shouldn't be driven by money but i have to think of my future shouldn't i? i don't know, my mother told me i should take it to God and that's what i'm gonna do. i'm super thankful though.

i think i would love to spend a week by the beach. recently everything has become so confused. it's like i can't stop my mind, physically i'm tired but my mind won't go to sleep. has me up at night.....thinking. i need to find more relaxing ways to relax.

i'm thankful though that i made it through another week. cheers to the one to come.....