melancholy days

i feel, hum....i feel.....down.

sometimes i miss NY so much it hurts, things made so much more sense there, things fell into place so easily, well most of the time and it's like here, i feel like i can't get it right. i try my best to fit in, why? i don't even know myself, i was so sure, so confident and now i feel stagnant.

i miss Jan and i wish she was still here, i guess she may be part of the reason i'm missing NY so much, even though i know she wishes she were here instead (disclaimer: yes yes she is Lucian and she still loves St. Lucia, plz don't disown her) but i guess as she says she finds 'peace' in Barbados.....

.....her peace is my, what's the word, unease i guess. like i am part of this puzzle, i know i am, i just can't find my position in the picture. i can't see where i should lay, where i should plant my seeds. man i wanna plant my seeds so badly, they're burning my hands but where?

i feel down. like a failure, this rat race is sucking me dry, everywhere i look i don't qualify anymore. am i reaching too high? i don't know. prayer. i gotta keep praying but sometimes my own faith fails me. i guess i'm not as strong as i thought i was. but i know i am beautifully made, i just don't believe it enough.

i will pick myself back up though and i will make it, and i will become all i envision myself becoming i just need to recognize HIS time is not my time so i will be patient and i will listen.

i will listen openly.