joyful joyful

GOD is GREAT!!!!!!! i am so thankful for everything!!!! for life, for food, clothing, shelter, the air i breathe, my mother, in fact my parents all three, lol, my animals, you, all my friends and family. every single thing that comes into my air i am thankful for. i am even thankful for my acne that is flaring up cause it means i am alive and have a face for acne to flare up on.

for lent i decided to give up something that i find i fall into too easily sometimes. i decided to give up gossip, any bad-mindedness or bad thoughts i allowed myself to have, i am not going to get into any malicious talk with anyone or allow myself to use malicious words.....i just want to try to be as positive as i possibly can and spread that positivity so to speak. God is good.

i have been thankful for just about everything so far this wk, you name it i'm thankful for it, my dogs who keep going through the front gate and getting me madddddddd, i am giving thanks for them cause so far they have not been attacked by any other dogs nor have they attacked anyone but they need to learn tho. will work on that.

i am thankful for my job and my ability to work and help people in different situations. and the possibilities that opened for me this week where my career is concerned. thank you God for listening.

i am thankful for my mother, i am in awe of her, she is probably the most non-judgmental and kind hearted person i have ever met and i'm not just saying that because she is my 'beavers' she just is......my everything.

you. i am thankful for you and your patience with me. yes, i will work on my moods...my many moods..

i am thankful for so many things i could honestly sit here and go on and on and on and on.

i will just continue to give thanks and spread my joy to as much people as i can. life is too short, too precious to waste and i wanna stat living and listening more.

for God is all there is and everything else is a lie. now i know.

more times......

introspection

i think i've figured it out, i've been asking the wrong questions. i need to stop asking God 'why' and start asking 'what'.

what do you want me to do to be a better servant to you?

i will begin tomorrow by giving thanks.

looking for an umbrella to stand under (ella ella)

ok i feel a lil better today, music and writing are two of the most stress relieving and relaxing exercises i can think of, i got a lot of that done this week-end, so now i feel better and i am hoping this mood carries on into the week.

back to work from today, really enjoyed my time off, time for reflection. what am i doing here? i know i don't like it here, i just don't have the vibes with my co-workers as i had at my last job, that 'looking forward to go to work feeling', that passion and drive? gone. come back, i need it in order to exist here without losing my mind. sigh.

hungry as usual, what should i eat? leftovers yummy! nothing beats food from the day before. i've been trying to stay a way from junkfood so far for the year, so kfc, chefette (i don't even know if that's how it's spelt) and any other junk around the place but chaaaa i would sink my teeth into a thigh from kfc just about now. i was never a chefette person, beef roti and that's it, but kfc wow wee! good stuff. so been yamming some greens (pffftttt) and much more fruit, which i love so that doesn't hurt as much and i drink nothing but water now for the past 4 yrs even though that can get so boring at times gosh, what i wouldn't do for a sprite. actually you know what i'll treat myself to a coke and two sprites today :)

i think my problem is that i don't know what i want. i left here with a plan - deviated of course. came back here with a plan and i think it's still in my suitcase and now i'm here. Here. i am trying to keep the faith and give thanks. i tell myself, maybe my dreams are taking so long to come to fruition cause the lord wants me to learn the art of patience. now i get it. i should look at the lesson in this song.

misconceptions. recently ppl have been getting the wrong idea, is it me? i've been asked why a lot. 'why' u did that? 'why' did u say that? 'why' did you think that? is it me? no matter how nice or genuine you try to be it always comes across in a negative way. frankly i am tired of trying. i know me and i know what i am about and that should be enough.

my poor tom brady, i'm sure he could use my shuolder to cry on just about now, congrats NY.

i would love to open a dog santuary, i've been seeing so many homeless dogs on the road, skin and bones, looking for food in every corner they could find. it is so sad. i mean why have an animal, any animal if you're not going to care for it, it just makes no sense. i could never imagine mine wandering the streets starving. i wish there was more that i could do to help thes animals. maybe i should join a help group.

gossip, stupes, if you haven't heard it from my mouth why believe it. don't you know me?

sending love to my grandparents across the seas........

melancholy days

i feel, hum....i feel.....down.

sometimes i miss NY so much it hurts, things made so much more sense there, things fell into place so easily, well most of the time and it's like here, i feel like i can't get it right. i try my best to fit in, why? i don't even know myself, i was so sure, so confident and now i feel stagnant.

i miss Jan and i wish she was still here, i guess she may be part of the reason i'm missing NY so much, even though i know she wishes she were here instead (disclaimer: yes yes she is Lucian and she still loves St. Lucia, plz don't disown her) but i guess as she says she finds 'peace' in Barbados.....

.....her peace is my, what's the word, unease i guess. like i am part of this puzzle, i know i am, i just can't find my position in the picture. i can't see where i should lay, where i should plant my seeds. man i wanna plant my seeds so badly, they're burning my hands but where?

i feel down. like a failure, this rat race is sucking me dry, everywhere i look i don't qualify anymore. am i reaching too high? i don't know. prayer. i gotta keep praying but sometimes my own faith fails me. i guess i'm not as strong as i thought i was. but i know i am beautifully made, i just don't believe it enough.

i will pick myself back up though and i will make it, and i will become all i envision myself becoming i just need to recognize HIS time is not my time so i will be patient and i will listen.

i will listen openly.

Jan is so beautiful.......but she doesn't even know chaaa

errol barrow day, martin luther king day, what phenomenal men to celebrate today, from different worlds, different up-bringings, different families but both black, both passionate and having a drive for the empowerment of black people. FREEDOM! those were the times, sometimes when i read about them i feel as if i am right there, in the heart of everything marching, protesting, living change.

now, hmmmm, to get people together like that chasing one solid purpose? would never happen. we live in a society today whereby we do not look out for our neighbours. like if my neighbour's water is out and mine isn't well tough, it's only when mine goes out that i would be like people we have to do something! lights, camera, action!

inaction. we are all guilty of it, i always convince myself that i want to make changes but my biggest fallacy is not knowing the actual changes i wanna make. not having a game plan. i want a game plan so bad but sometimes i feel so useless.

but i'm proud to be black, proud to be alive to continue to see the fight through, proud to be a Barbadian.

i don't want what i haven't got

i'm feeling a lil down today :(

i 'm working hard, i mean i really am, hustling, just hustling everyday doing different things for different people and organizations, finally in a work field that is somewhat rewarding and getting paid next to nothing, and most of the time it doesn't get me down but today i am feeling it. especially when i look back at how i've lived my life and especially how independent i was for the past 3 yrs, not that i regret moving back but i just feel down. money, stupes, always about the green, this green paper, better yet green demon. and now i'm torn between making more money or staying in jobs i like. i don't know, i've prayed and i will just continue to seek God and guidance but i am down. on days like these i just feel to curl up in my bed alone with my teddy bear ziggy but i am here today and i have to talk to ppl and i have to socialize when i'm just not feeling it. these are the times my faith gets tested and i guess hey, i'm not as strong as i thought i was.

men are something else, my best friend's dad had 2 minor heart attacks before he had the major one that ultimately took his life and he never told anyone and now my grandfather has had this pain in his back for the past two yrs and never said a word now, he has a hernia. i mean i just don't get it, i know he's getting old and his body will go through changes but when they are situations that u can have some control over and nothing is said man that bites me. i just don't understand. now he has to get surgery at his age 86. and now i'm here and not there to take care of him sigh. that was one of my fears of moving back to barbados, i was like supposed when i go something goes wrong with my grandparents. and everyone knows i have a soft spot for my grandfather. at first i was just so angry with him but i guess i just can't understand how it feels to be him and to become totally and completely dependent on others. i just wish he would've told at least me, we're close, at least i thought so and he couldn't even tell me :( but wah ya could do nah.....

now jouvais. i got her spayed yesterday and now i don't even know if i made the right decision, even though i know its still early but she seems so lethargic and depressed. she's not eating and not moving, it's been yrs since i got a dog spayed so i can't even say i remember how they usually are but i hope by this evening she is in better spirits.

the sun is shining so brightly today but i feel as if a cloud is right over my head

i've been good all year, i swear

i read something today that made me think.........should i read more? hmmm, i don't like letting people get in my head, worked hard at mastering the art of not letting that happen, yet still....i'm curious. i will think on it.

boy oh boy i can't wait to get my fish sandwich, can we say hungry? my usual morning grapefruit was a major disappointment (thanks auntie esther...for nothing!)

my job is......not fulfilling, yes it is rewarding to be a counsellor and help people, i really do believe this is my life calling but still i don't know, the working environment gets me down i guess. but i have my 5 goals set for 2008 and i have to say i am stoked!

1. grow closer to God
2. launch my business
3. start my charity
4. become more financially stable
5. buy a car (which spills off from 4, hmmm or maybe i should incorporate that into 4 and find a 5th goal, hmmm will think on it)

but there you have it, i have the ground work laid for all of these goals i just have to execute them, easier said than done, one of my biggest weaknesses is that i get easily distracted, i mean so easy it's crazy. i could be like on this road headed to point B then i see some nice flowers along the way and go 'oh look at the pretty flowers' and get lost from there. i need more direction.

we quarreled today, so stupid, i am too zen for minor spats to be honest stupes. however, i will let it go. (let it go before it kills you......let it fall and fade away....just have fun and do what thrills you....please don't waste another day - Morcheeba)
well said.

so jouvais is getting spayed next wk and i am very worried, i lost two of my long time dogs this year and granted i have two new pups i've only had them since i moved back and jouvais well i've grown very attached to her. i will pray for her operation. i entered all 3 in this nation adorable pets competition and they didn't even place, are bajans blind???? i didn't even see one other dog that rivaled my cuties, needless to say i was fairly disturbed.

tick tock...still waiting on my sandwich

ponderisms

i am on the path of righteousness and it sure does feel good, where are you?

well i must admit, miami was great! i guess the vibes were more positive this time so everything just seemed brighter, like it was a trip in HD. the hardest part i guess was the getting on the plane part, i've been back and forth on planes my whole life and its so strange that now at this age i am developing a fear of flying. it's such an uncomfortable feeling, constantly worrying whether the plane will crash or not, sigh, but i'm working on it. i need to work on it especially if i wanna go to the UK, prayer will push me forward.

looking forward to church on sunday, a good heart felt message always lends to a great week

so i'm gonna get my dog jouvais spayed next week and i'm a lil weary of this, she's a stray i took in like 4 yrs ago and she has never had to get any operations or anything but with two new pups in the yard, and one being her grandson i just don't want any incest-filled activities going on plus she's had two litters and i def think that is enough for her, don't want her body getting worn out but still i'm nervous........

1:21 pm and i haven't had any lunch as well but i got a lot done at work today so that's a plus, i feel good about that

christmas in barbados this year, feeling a lil low about that and i just found out that my grandfather has a hernia and has to have an operation, at his age dread, makes me sad. he is honestly one of the most important people in my life, right up there with my mother honestly and that i'm not there too makes me feel useless. but i know he's a trooper so he'll get thru this in time to see his yankees win the next world series. i'll keep him in my prayers

i have like 140 messages in my hotmail to chk, i just hate chking email now no joke, if i can't tell that it is a personal msg then it just sits there and accumulates yet every time i open my inbox and see so many emails i get depressed cause i just don't wanna delete any either without reading them just in case. tonite during america's next top model finale i will chk it, if i can tear my eyes off the tube of course

ok starting to get hungry, time to call dad :)

been a min........(well more like over a year but no one asked)

the problem with being imperfect is people still always expect you to perform at a perfect level, i mean, crazy yo, these people....i think they're aliens!!!!

just looking back and totally realised i've neglected this page, what! not cool, so now in my free time i'll do what i laves, LAVES to do most.......talk. (lmao)

here at work waiting for my father, gosh the rain is pouring, this old man in here won't stop talking and i wanna go home. my two pups are at home missing their mommy and in need of some tlc, don't worry babies, moms is on her way!!!!

hmmmm, anything interesting happened today? not really, i have to say it was a lovely day, very quiet, no clients, i was able to work on my writing and my drawing, man oh man, still gotta ways to go

guitar lessons was fun as usual, man, he's cute (what, i ain't blind!) and i officially learnt a song. now alls i need to do is work on my own songs, i remember some years back i was talking about bringing out my album, what a lazy artist i am, when the people are calling me out, hahaha, well not really but hey, they could be. has my singing voice improved since? hmmmm....define improved :)

the fish i had today was splendiferous, i know i should feel bad for nemo, what with him losing his father and all but you taste so guuuud, wow-wee! y did i share it? note to self, be more selfish.

breath mints? check!

going to miami tomorrow, boring......i don't know miami just doesn't do it for me, or maybe i don't go to the right places when i'm there. it's like so fake, i mean seriously, those are your boobs? ye, i'm so sure and u have to drive everywhere, the last time i ws there i saw hmmm, one bus. c'est tout. NY now man oh man, culture for miles, i cud hop on the train, the 1, 2, 3, 4, 5, n, q (my fav) and just blaze to anywhere. go in the village, eat at spice (plugged!) and shop on Broadway, spend money i shud save and catch a play, spoken word nites at the cafe, reggae nights at belmont, sigh....i could go on and on. this is depressing

anyways, where is my father geez? it's after 6.

talk dirty (just listen)

So it goes I suppose
Trying to lose a shadow (stop stalking me)
Reaching for the unknown
Ye right, nothing in life is easy (just be)
It’s not safe to think anymore
Feeling trapped in the constraints that exist
Exist to maintain “order”
I mean seriously? Look around
Corruption lives in my backyard (yours too)
It breeds on the weak and insufferable
Makes you rethink your mode of thinking
Scars you, cause of your own inaction (lazy)
Can’t hide the shame can you?
Wear it like a tattoo (ye Sade said that too)
Brain dead
Uncommon senses, not accepted, deviating from the norm
Listening, straining to hear life
Nothing, so quiet yet I know, confusion lives on
There’s more, more, more (who doesn’t want it)
It brushes against my body, vapour
A cold wind, a chill
In this cosmically dynamic world
There’s no such thing as a dead end
The abyss of dreams
Like, you just gotta keep walking
Leaving perversion behind, the ugliness (no room)
Ignoring it, it’s not yours to carry, don’t feel guilty
The injustice and unrest, the hate
Did you breed it? Was here in times before
Will be here for time beyond
Death is a cop out isn’t it?
Persecuted for your thoughts, or lack or thinking
It’s like, geez dude which is it?
Indecisive
In the end everyone has lost something (never regained)
It’s like, we’re living so we could die older
Accepting death indeed, but just not now, not yet
Hustling for more, more stress and pain
Happy moments too no doubt
Yet more, taxes and bills some more (begging)
Or whether I’ve made my contribution
The humour of it all, really something
Living so many lives, living lies
Wasting time………
Time never recovered, time mourned for
Timeless
What makes you so special?
Why are you here?
Who has the answers? (it might be out there)
Be still
Maybe it too might brush against your body, vapour
A cold wind, a chill….