feeling awesome

he stood up for me, wow! i feel good.

i want to grow old with everyone i love

i never realized how much hard work goes into starting your own business, sigh. i had plans of getting things off the ground in may but a wise person told me that you don't get a second chance at a first impression and if i don't feel confidant with what i present then it's best to just wait till i am sure of what i have. hmmmm, so inasmuch as i'm a lil disappointed i will wait it out. this way i can probably source some materials from NY. still mad excited though!

yo! Christianity ain' easy. i guess at this stage i can say i am a trying Christian and i know that is bad to say but at least i'm honest. sometimes my body has these burning desires that drive me crazy. should i act on them what should i do? it feels like they're consuming me. there when i go to sleep, as soon as i wake up, when i'm in the shower, eating, wherever it's crazy!

hmmm, men ain't easy. some might say i'm a lil too strict when it comes to relationships but i feel like i've paid my dues and i deserve to be treated with respect ain't? why is it so hard for men to commit fully, why must men keep in touch with their exes? there are certain things that i just don't like and am not comfortable with. and i can be accused of being jealous envious i don't care. i know that is not the case it's simply about closure and not jeopardizing what you have. i wouldn't do that to you so don't do it to me. if the ones from before only knew i'm not too sure they would be accepting your calls. nuff said.

you're too good to him
you totally spoil him
you give him everything
that's why he be actin' the way he's actin'
but...shouldn't i treat my man like a King?
shouldn't i nurture and respect him?
why am i made to feel like a bounded slave
why are my inner desires encaved?
i'm hungry for something
hungry for your empathy
hungry for your sympathy
hungry for your respect
haven't i totally exceeded your ex-pec-ta-tions?

if i am guilty i will pay

what is this obsession with happiness? if i had a bill for every time someone questions me on happiness i'd be mad rich. now don't get me wrong, i too am seeking but i feel like there's pressure on me. every single day...are you happy? are you happy? but hey...are you?

so far today i've managed my time pretty well. here on a coffee break but i won't break too long there is work to be done and by the grace of God i will get through.

blessings....

note to self cut down on the coffee.

i hope you dance.

Underneath this spotted mahogany skin
there is a soulful woman living
within.

Ye i got my perm, sometimes wear it in a curl
but on the inside, i am, at heart
an all natural girl.

Ya see, I’ve come a long way from where I’ve been
Seen some things a girl like me shun’t ever had seen
But I got back my pride still I love my humble pie
When you look in these brown eyes
These honest eyes, no lies
The only thing that lies within me
Is he in I and I as one with HE
And we are.

thank you.

i had a great wk-end.
reggae on the beach was really nice, it's the first time i've been in the island for the reggae fest and at first i was a lil skeptical but i'm glad i didn't listen to anyone's opinion. i went out for myself and i had a fab time.

work this wk and my aim is to manage my time better. i know i can.

hoping for positive change. can you hear me?

i miss solitude but i am thankful for you and i'm glad i surrounded myself with good people this wk-end.
peace.

i know i can. (be what i wanna be)

i wish i had telepathy
then i could transport the thoughts i have of you
and you would come to understand
what it's like for a woman to love a man.

thank you.

it's friday and i'm in a positive mood, i won't let anything today change my attitude cause i ain't stressed and i sure am blessed!

i am still having problems with time management, how is it that i am such a lazy individual, i lose focus so so easily and it's starting to cause problems. still ain't finish the newsletter yet but you know what...today i will!!!!

so last night i threw a surprise anniversary dinner for my dad and his wife seeing they've been married for 15 years and it was going great but then she said something that was like a knife to the chest, she kept saying over and over 'you imagine that i have been with you now for over 30 yrs?" you realize i've been you now for over 30 yrs?" on and on and then by the 4th time i was like, wait, holdup?!?!?!?!?!?!?! how is it that you guys have been together for over 30 yrs and i am only 27? does that mean my dad was messing with her when he had my mother???? sigh* needless to say i got a lil depressed at that thought. MEN%^&*@# anyways, i won't even question it cause i don't want to know the answer furthermore i don't want to know the answer and have that knowledge then i would start wondering if i should tell my mother and blah blah. so i will try to put it out of my mind.

speaking of my mother, we had a realllll good laugh this week at somewhat of a dirty joke but not really but that just goes to show the depth of her sense of humour, she is one hilarious woman and you know those kinda laughs where it is so loud and brawling that you make funny sounds and your face gets distorted well that is how we laughed for like 2 mins, water even came to my eyes lololol. she is just the best, da bomb!!!!

i came up with another name for my second business last night and i am somewhat more excited about this one, excited, nervous, anxious scared, happy you name it. if it is to be it will be but that won't stop me from praying and praying hard that i get it off the ground soon. it's about time i became more that i am.

think i might take in a lil poetic inspiration this wk-end. that might help.

sometimes just knowing is enough. nuff said.

i am sending love, so much love to all my family, friends, animals, workmates, clients and students, people i chance upon, people i don't know, people i want to know, everyone. stay up!

it's only a mountain

thank you india
thank you providence
thank you disillusionment
thank you nothingness
thank you clarity
thank you thank you silence

Alanis Morissette


i just don't know how to finish this newsletter sigh* and it's getting me down cause i know the director is gonna call me up and ask me questions i can't answer sigh*

i had a very educational day. attended an HIV fair at BCC and i learnt a whole heap of stuff that i never knew and some of the plays were really good, though i thought some veered off from the topic at hand by wanting more to evoke laughter but overall it was a commendable effort. there is a lot of young talent in barbados.

brass tacks has been hot all week especially since the prime ministers' address but i mean come on people, do you really expect gas prices to go up all over the world and we go untouched? well, if i thought cost of living was high i guess i ain't see nothing yet. now i started listening to 'tell it like it is' as well and that's pretty good. some of the theories i hear sometimes totally baffle me but everyone is entitled to their own opinion i guess...good stuff though.

you know those moods where you don't feel to see anyone or talk to anyone or interact? well i'm in one of those moods.

went to this place called Taboo two sundays ago to support my friend russell and others for an event they were holding. now i absolutely love supporting my friends in what ever event they have all down to the 'pick up trash day' events but i think i need to be a tad picky in the future. i guess as partying is so not my thing anymore it was suffocatingly hard for me to fit in, to dance (mind you back in the day i used to wine till the sun came up) but now sigh* let's just say it's been a longggggggggg time since i 'wuk-up' lol, am i getting too boring? i found the whole scene yawnful to say the least but i did move a bit to machel.....my weak spot revealed. i would love to attend a good old soca party though and hear early early machel like big truck, early alison and the like, ras iley, plastic bag you name it. now THAT would be my kinda jam.....

went to a play sunday night now that is my kinda jam right there, interesting title 'for colored girls who contemplate suicide when a rainbow is enough" beautiful cast, beautiful women, i loved it from start to finish. i wish i had more plays to go to, i guess this is one of those times i miss NY but don't get me wrong i LOVE barbados and this is where i wanna be ..... for now....

guitar tomorrow but i'm not in the mood to see anyone

i wonder what Fay is doing right this minute.....soon forward

once a label is on something it becomes an it.

black Jezebel
have i seen your face before?
you must be the she-devil
that wanders around in my subconscious
planting seeds in my garden of mistrust.
but nothing grows
for my earth knows
when not to sow
black Jezebel
with your seductive smells
every man's eyes peeled to your coke bottle shell
but everyone is hiding something and so are you
i wonder what you're up to?

thank you.

it's official, my dog jouvais has an identity crisis sigh* granted just by looking at her you can tell that she's a female still she has a lot of male tendencies....i mean how many female dogs pee with their legs raised??? it's so strange and odd and everything that describes weirdness.

i don't know where i would be without my Cetaphil SPF 15 daily moisturizer, seriously, it gives me this glow!

just got home and i'm not even sleepy sigh*

if he cheated with you he will cheat on you. nuff said.

seriously $330 for some x-rays and cataflam for a good old sprained ankle? seriously?

Mocha has so much character already i'm in love with him already.

i've been having some bad dreams recently, what is going on in my subconscious...i've been trying to ignore them but sometimes i feel so nervous when i get ready for bed, it's like i'm asking myself 'what dream will it be tonight?" what dream will i have that will be so disturbing that i stay awake just to avoid seeing it. i need to consult my dream book.

i can hear tosh crying but i am so tired i don't feel like going outside... i hope he stops soon sigh*
i love my animals, they bring peace and calm to my crazy days and they love me unconditionally...

thank you for strength....

woman within

Dear GOD,
i am weak, i am humble, i am wide open. open and willing. open to receive your many blessings and ministry and wiling to make the sacrifices necessary to be a good servant. but i must confess that i am also weak. i pray for strength in the hard times and in the face of adversity. i know if you brought me to it you will see me through it and i pray to be mindful of that phrase whenever my spirit weakens. so today i am humbly praying for strength through you, this is my prayer to you, from your humble narrator.

Amen.

should i feel guilty because i am a quiet Christian? i must admit that i am not as involved in the church as i was in my childhood and teenage years whereas now i am just a member of the congregation but i also love my position. recently, i've been invited to be more involved in the church but i turned it down. right now i feel as if my plate is very full with work and other extra-curricular activities so i don't feel i would be capable of fully committing. that being said why then, do i feel so guilty? so badly? as if i am doing something wrong. i enjoy church just as much as everyone else but is there more i should be doing? i will pray for guidance.

i am blessed and a lil stressed right now but hey no one said it would be easy, who am i to demand a free ride? i just need to keep believing in myself even when i feel like i can't understand or have control over what is going on around me, over the people who are supposed to be close to me but somehow don't place my existence in high value. i have the peace of mind to get me through and i know i am strong, i have to believe i am strong if not my weakness will consume me. i know i can be more than i can possibly envision but no one will believe me until i believe in me.

i got my new pup yesterday, he is so adorable i decided to name him Mocha......

thank you for another week of work, family, friends and acquaintances.

i don't even know what to say just in awe of my fatigue

i am actually sleepy :)

thank you for baggy eyes and endless yawns...i'm going to sleep

time for me to shine.....

Blessings......
i am lying on the sand
listening to the waves as they crash against the shore
lost in thought letting my mind drift
losing myself in the sounds of the beauty that is around me
i can never understand what it took to make such a beautiful world
i can never fathom the artistry yet i an ever amazed
and i sit quietly and let my thoughts take me
on yet another spiritual journey
i am blessed.
Yes!!!

thank you.

my dad was 63 yesterday, boy is he old. thank you Lord for granting him such longevity and i wish him many more years or success, health and happiness.

today i feel strange.

so i am in smoothie heaven! i will no longer be giving cafe moya my $8, nope, no way. i have sourced their sources and now i get the product directly from them ha! this morning i made my first banana berry and it was awesome, all now i'm still full. holla!

i've been working so hard and not getting any sleep. picking back up my old habits, last night i was up in bed just staring at the ceiling, wrote a bit, listened to music, thought some more. chaaaa, now today i'm so tired.

i've been thinking about some things i shouldn't be thinking about sigh* my mind my mind.

thank you for the strength to get up this morning when i know i could've used like 4 more hours.