me, myself and misery

i feel miserable today, where is the joy that consumed me yesterday?

i don't know what i want anymore, i was so sure that this was where i should be but now, uncertainty, hmmmm, i think i'll take it to the Lord in prayer. i never in my life imagined it would be this hard to find a good job when i moved back, now i have regrets? i don't know. but for the rest of the day i'll try to think happy thoughts. and it's not that i don't like the job i have now, i was blessed when i found it but now i'm feeling a bit under-valued. but is that what i want? do i want recognition? i don't know what i want and that is the problem.

and with stress comes my acne, it's getting back as bad as it was before and that alone is depressing, i'm finally becoming more social and going out but now i feel to hide in my house. at least my animals love me :)

i really haven't been as creative as i should be and i miss NY. (and yes justin you're right, i'm too whiny)

i am misery wrapped in something slender yet i am always pointing fingers, hmmm, i need to check my phalanges.

Jill Scott is Beautiful......

oh man i have been blessed to watch one of the best movies i have seen in a while, awe man, being black is wonderful. if you haven't yet then you have to watch why did i get married? i loved EVERYTHING about it, it was soulful, it was sad, it was joyous, it was everything and it has moved me to writing.

firstly, when i compare the good to the bad, (and trust me there is some bad/unbearable/miserable/i could go on lol) the good shines more and i'm thankful for the good times and i'm thankful for you. nuff said. besides i'm imperfect myself.

i love love my girlfriends and i wouldn't change any of them for the world, even the ones that've hurt me, left me, betrayed me, i still love you wherever you are cause i haven't always been the best either and i know each one of you were there for me in some way during my sad times. i think i need to let you gals know how much you really mean to me more.

sidebar - why are my eyes filling with H2O? hmmmmmm

being black is beautiful
being black is beautiful
being black is beautiful
black is beautiful.....

i am going to bed a blessed woman :)

today i'm celebrating being black....

i read a really interesting article in the sunday sun about being black. how can you tell how black someone is if they were born of a white mother and spent 9 months being in a white woman and so forth. i immediately remembered this poem i read years ago that started off "being black is a state of mind......" how do we tell who is truly black, by their skin colour? by how they act? you always hear how black someone is getting on, how some white rappers feel they're black based on the way they spit and i'm like eh? so then what is it?

am i more black than a person who might have a white mother or father? am i more black than what bajans would call a high red person? am i more black because i like wrap skirts and i wear oils? am i not black because i listen to "white music" (what is that?) am i blacker because i identify with the african diaspora? hmmmm, i have so many questions as a "black" woman, a coloured woman...so if i'm coloured would that make everyone else colourless? or are they coloured as well?

i don't know, being black seems to be difficult, being black means that i have to take offence when someone other than another "black" person says 'nigga' hey, let's abolish the word to begin with. granted i am guilty of using it too but no more, i've become more negro conscious. being 'black' means that i should support OJ even if he is guilty. being 'black' means that i deserve affirmative action as that is my only hope of 'making it'. man being black gives me a headache sometimes.

but i have no complaints. this whole black thought is what drives and sustains me. it gives me an identity and a history and pushes me forward constantly and it's not a bother at all.

besides everyone always likes my tan.....

black is...
black is how i like my coffee in the morning
black used to be the colour of my heart's mourning
now it's bright yellow...

black is mellow and fierce at the same time
black is the ink of the pen which writes my rhymes
black is bad? uh uh, to me, never looked more good
black is the shape of motherhood

black smells like rich cocoa on winter evenings
black is my soul radiating from within
damn! black is what's happening!

if black is beautiful then everything else must be ugly
it must suck to be a different colour than me.
hey, what colour are you?


i am evolving and i am thankful for all the rain, my tree needed it.

black and white

right before i step up to the mic
seconds before i hit the stage
you're there trying to pull me down?
don't you ever get tired of being so negative?

there's no more room for you here
you're lease has expired get out
i have the joy of chorus in my heart
and there is no longer any room for self-doubt.

so i had to buss a rhyme but i'm sorry your...time...is..up!
peace.

i had a fabulous vacation, oh man i don't even know where to start. i guess the best part was celebrating my granny's 80th b'day, man that broad is getting old. she still has one of the best sense of humours anywhere and i hope she lives to see many more.

so i decided to take to the clothes selling business, just something to do on the side for ppl who don't get to travel and this is proving harder than i'd originally imagined as it entails speaking to people. eeeeeeek! i am such a contradiction i know as my job requires me to talk non-stop but actually going up to strangers chaaaa, i just can't do it. my throat chokes up and i end up saying some dribble. case in point friday evening. what was that about? went like this "hi, i have some clotheskj ahvgda ahv havgd sell" lmao. how funny i'm laughing now but i was like bright pink then. anyways i'll try again tomorrow. gotta make some sales yo!

sigh* my job, should i start job hunting? at least i've finished the newsletter sigh***

last night with the girls was great!!! i actually enjoyed myself and didn't leave after an hour (i have to remember to pat my back tomorrow) and i danced lol, infact not only did i dance (i wuk-up a lil bit) hahahahahaha. good times. happy birthday mel :)

well it's off to bed for me. life is beautiful so i wouldn't complain but recently i feel like i know i am gonna take a different direction and that thought alone scares the poop outta me but i will 'keep keeping on' and do my do, i am so blessed how 'bout you?

i am too soft at times, i really need to grow a thicker skin.

thank you solitude.

I heart NY

but my home will always be Barbados :)

awe, new york new york, the weather is just fine and i am enjoying my vacation. my cousin's graduation was beautiful, wow, she's grown into a wonderful person (weep weep) they grow so fast.

the rain is putting a damper on my outings but it's still a blessing and i am enjoying my family time, i've missed them oh so much and stuff that i used to make a big deal out of now seems so small. with the way things are going in the world recently i wish we were all together....wherever.

but i will continue to weather the storm (no pun intended) and make the best of it. started off rocky but it will take more than one disgruntled, high and mighty, inconsiderate individual to break me. what will be will be and i will pray for you. nuff said.

i am trying...who i was yesterday is not who i am today, i've changed.

i've been growing some love in my garden
coupled with patience and understanding
i've been watering it every night and
during the day blessing it with the sunlight
and now it has grown much taller than i am
now it lives in the heart of a strong man
it lives in these brown eyes that see me through
it lives in you.

you are where the light is

soul bent
you give me that soul power
feel like i can conquer anything
bring it send it throw it
i swing it outta commission
cause i have a vision and people
are listening to my point of view
it feels good not having to scream anymore...

thank you.

my condolences to Janelle, TJ, Stuart, Rachelle and the entire mayers family, i loved terry as well and he will be missed.

i am so tired. i didn't leave work until 10 p.m. last night and even though i got some rest i still feel weak. up at 6:20 am trying to get in some more work before my big trip and now my laptop is giving trouble. yesterday i was talking to my clients about challenges and how they have to start problem solving and i know that is the same method i should employ now but i don't even have the mental strength right now. i think i am doing too much, let's just hope it doesn't cut out again.

there are no whys there is just a because. things happen because it is God's will and i have to learn to accept that.

i wonder how your morning is going......

anyways, back to work for me, it's been 5 mins and it hasn't cut out so i need to count my blessings and finish this newsletter by this morning.

i am an emotive person and while i cry when i am sad i also cry when i'm feeling joyful and at times for no reason at all :)

blindfolds (using your mind)

inside
i could never look in a mirror again
and still think i'm beautiful

beautiful in mind and beautiful in kind
beautiful in skin and beautiful within
beautiful in soul and beautifully old
beautiful in living beautiful in giving.

i could have all the scars in the world
and sure bet i'd still think i was beautiful

beautiful in spirit and beautiful in lyric
beautiful with time and beautiful in rhyme
beautiful in speech and beautiful in peach
beautiful in any colour and beautiful like my mother

take me as i am
commas, colons and questions marks
i don't need no mirror to show me what is in my heart.
so..take me as i am.

and again, this fussing and fighting when we should be making love. is it me? it has to be me. i am convinced it is me and so i am ready to deal with the consequences. life is too beautiful to just let it fade away.

cause the gas prices going up, cost of living surging, people complaining and they bawling but hey i'm still living, i'm still eating and drinking, it's hard but i'm doing it the best i can cause i got those blessings that the preacher been talking 'bout and i want everyone to see too, the blessings within you.

prayers for all of the people around the world who are suffering right now, from the earthquake in china to the cyclone in Myanmar, to the aids epidemic in africa. we might not always know why but know that with God all will be well.

i am imperfect and it troubles me from time to time.

supernature

God Disciple
come rain, come shine
come high tide or low
we together can move any mountain
and colour any rainbow

come wind, come storm
come hail, snow or sleet
you are my light in the day
the music in my heartbeat
the energy i need to be everything
and at night you watch over me
as i sleep.

thank you.

yesterday's service was the best funeral service i have ever been to and at one time i forgot where i was as it was more so a celebration of life! (not to mention the fact that it was at my church :) but everything from the presentation of the casket, the flowers, the leaflets (very touching) the hymns selected, man i could on, it was just a divine celebration of a beautiful woman who has touched so many lives. and Leslee, she is one strong woman. i know within myself i would never have the strength to stand up and speak on my mother and i just admire that. i am such a self-absorbed individual that i know i would be more focused on my grief than anything else. but i am mad proud of her :) much love to Lisa and Leslee though, besides it being a great celebration of life you're shoes were hawttttt!!!!

today is gonna be an awesome day, i can feel it. i am blessed and i am thankful for temptations that help keep me grounded and remind me to stay focused on the important things and people in my life.

i am a habitual line steppa.....

this is as real as i can get, never spoke on her before (never) but it's about forgiveness

"and even when it felt like she stomped on my soul with the bottom of her sole, still i forgave her"

who would've ever thought she and i would be hmmmm "cordial" to say the least. i've always felt like, in the pit of my stomach that she was the devil, the Jezebel who tempted my man away from me, who was the architect of my demise, who was the reason for my depression. putting all the blame on her but only behind closed doors cause in a crowd i blamed him, but no one ever knew the truth in my heart. no one knew but me and that's a heavy weight to carry.

but i forgave her, it took me a long time, but i forgave her, i forgave him and i forgave myself cause i'd allowed myself to fall away, i too became a Jezebel type of lady and the things i did should shame me.....but i've finally learnt how to love me the way i want to be loved. it's me that had to set the example.

but it was hard cause i knew she would be sleeping in his bed, driving in his car, mingling with his family, the same family that loved me would suddenly forget me. and then it's like all of a sudden she's in my circle, liming the same places as me, talking to my friends and acquaintances sigh* even standing up next to me (what was that about????) it's like i couldn't escape. she was everywhere and i was suffocating.

then i thought vengeance was mine when i got with him for so long right under her nose but what did that make me? easy? skanky? and i guess it's because of what i did that drives my suspicions of the men i'm with, i guess that's why i can't trust in any of my relationships because i know what i was capable of.

at the end of the day when i come down on you i guess i am coming down on the me that didn't care. that lied, and used and other things i don't even want to think about. i guess i am projecting on you and that's not cool.

but even with these realizations i still don't feel like i can trust anybody. and now i'm always on guard. whenever my phone rings i'm like....karma catching up to me?

i never thought i would be able to look her in the face but now that i have i see, she's pretty and she's grown as well (cause i gotta admit at first she was hmmmm untamed) at the end of the day she has probably loved him in a way that i could never have and gosh does she have a forgiving heart. she's forgiven him for all of his sins and sins and sins (girl, you are either very strong or very weak) but i will not judge you and your forgiving heart. i can learn from you....

i guess that is the one thing she has taught me (informally) that nobody's perfect and you have to take the good with the bad.

truth be told however, i'm getting a lil tired of seeing her all the time :)

but hey, so it goes.....

sour times

memories,
can't get them outta my head
like a ring of water on the bedstead
you rub at it and rub some more
but it seems as though the ring
has embedded itself into the core
of the mahogany.

i feel as if i have no privacy and i can't breathe. i wish i could scream!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

that is how i feel. i can't deal and i can't win so why on earth am i still running?