i don't want what i haven't got

i'm feeling a lil down today :(

i 'm working hard, i mean i really am, hustling, just hustling everyday doing different things for different people and organizations, finally in a work field that is somewhat rewarding and getting paid next to nothing, and most of the time it doesn't get me down but today i am feeling it. especially when i look back at how i've lived my life and especially how independent i was for the past 3 yrs, not that i regret moving back but i just feel down. money, stupes, always about the green, this green paper, better yet green demon. and now i'm torn between making more money or staying in jobs i like. i don't know, i've prayed and i will just continue to seek God and guidance but i am down. on days like these i just feel to curl up in my bed alone with my teddy bear ziggy but i am here today and i have to talk to ppl and i have to socialize when i'm just not feeling it. these are the times my faith gets tested and i guess hey, i'm not as strong as i thought i was.

men are something else, my best friend's dad had 2 minor heart attacks before he had the major one that ultimately took his life and he never told anyone and now my grandfather has had this pain in his back for the past two yrs and never said a word now, he has a hernia. i mean i just don't get it, i know he's getting old and his body will go through changes but when they are situations that u can have some control over and nothing is said man that bites me. i just don't understand. now he has to get surgery at his age 86. and now i'm here and not there to take care of him sigh. that was one of my fears of moving back to barbados, i was like supposed when i go something goes wrong with my grandparents. and everyone knows i have a soft spot for my grandfather. at first i was just so angry with him but i guess i just can't understand how it feels to be him and to become totally and completely dependent on others. i just wish he would've told at least me, we're close, at least i thought so and he couldn't even tell me :( but wah ya could do nah.....

now jouvais. i got her spayed yesterday and now i don't even know if i made the right decision, even though i know its still early but she seems so lethargic and depressed. she's not eating and not moving, it's been yrs since i got a dog spayed so i can't even say i remember how they usually are but i hope by this evening she is in better spirits.

the sun is shining so brightly today but i feel as if a cloud is right over my head

i've been good all year, i swear

i read something today that made me think.........should i read more? hmmm, i don't like letting people get in my head, worked hard at mastering the art of not letting that happen, yet still....i'm curious. i will think on it.

boy oh boy i can't wait to get my fish sandwich, can we say hungry? my usual morning grapefruit was a major disappointment (thanks auntie esther...for nothing!)

my job is......not fulfilling, yes it is rewarding to be a counsellor and help people, i really do believe this is my life calling but still i don't know, the working environment gets me down i guess. but i have my 5 goals set for 2008 and i have to say i am stoked!

1. grow closer to God
2. launch my business
3. start my charity
4. become more financially stable
5. buy a car (which spills off from 4, hmmm or maybe i should incorporate that into 4 and find a 5th goal, hmmm will think on it)

but there you have it, i have the ground work laid for all of these goals i just have to execute them, easier said than done, one of my biggest weaknesses is that i get easily distracted, i mean so easy it's crazy. i could be like on this road headed to point B then i see some nice flowers along the way and go 'oh look at the pretty flowers' and get lost from there. i need more direction.

we quarreled today, so stupid, i am too zen for minor spats to be honest stupes. however, i will let it go. (let it go before it kills you......let it fall and fade away....just have fun and do what thrills you....please don't waste another day - Morcheeba)
well said.

so jouvais is getting spayed next wk and i am very worried, i lost two of my long time dogs this year and granted i have two new pups i've only had them since i moved back and jouvais well i've grown very attached to her. i will pray for her operation. i entered all 3 in this nation adorable pets competition and they didn't even place, are bajans blind???? i didn't even see one other dog that rivaled my cuties, needless to say i was fairly disturbed.

tick tock...still waiting on my sandwich

ponderisms

i am on the path of righteousness and it sure does feel good, where are you?

well i must admit, miami was great! i guess the vibes were more positive this time so everything just seemed brighter, like it was a trip in HD. the hardest part i guess was the getting on the plane part, i've been back and forth on planes my whole life and its so strange that now at this age i am developing a fear of flying. it's such an uncomfortable feeling, constantly worrying whether the plane will crash or not, sigh, but i'm working on it. i need to work on it especially if i wanna go to the UK, prayer will push me forward.

looking forward to church on sunday, a good heart felt message always lends to a great week

so i'm gonna get my dog jouvais spayed next week and i'm a lil weary of this, she's a stray i took in like 4 yrs ago and she has never had to get any operations or anything but with two new pups in the yard, and one being her grandson i just don't want any incest-filled activities going on plus she's had two litters and i def think that is enough for her, don't want her body getting worn out but still i'm nervous........

1:21 pm and i haven't had any lunch as well but i got a lot done at work today so that's a plus, i feel good about that

christmas in barbados this year, feeling a lil low about that and i just found out that my grandfather has a hernia and has to have an operation, at his age dread, makes me sad. he is honestly one of the most important people in my life, right up there with my mother honestly and that i'm not there too makes me feel useless. but i know he's a trooper so he'll get thru this in time to see his yankees win the next world series. i'll keep him in my prayers

i have like 140 messages in my hotmail to chk, i just hate chking email now no joke, if i can't tell that it is a personal msg then it just sits there and accumulates yet every time i open my inbox and see so many emails i get depressed cause i just don't wanna delete any either without reading them just in case. tonite during america's next top model finale i will chk it, if i can tear my eyes off the tube of course

ok starting to get hungry, time to call dad :)

been a min........(well more like over a year but no one asked)

the problem with being imperfect is people still always expect you to perform at a perfect level, i mean, crazy yo, these people....i think they're aliens!!!!

just looking back and totally realised i've neglected this page, what! not cool, so now in my free time i'll do what i laves, LAVES to do most.......talk. (lmao)

here at work waiting for my father, gosh the rain is pouring, this old man in here won't stop talking and i wanna go home. my two pups are at home missing their mommy and in need of some tlc, don't worry babies, moms is on her way!!!!

hmmmm, anything interesting happened today? not really, i have to say it was a lovely day, very quiet, no clients, i was able to work on my writing and my drawing, man oh man, still gotta ways to go

guitar lessons was fun as usual, man, he's cute (what, i ain't blind!) and i officially learnt a song. now alls i need to do is work on my own songs, i remember some years back i was talking about bringing out my album, what a lazy artist i am, when the people are calling me out, hahaha, well not really but hey, they could be. has my singing voice improved since? hmmmm....define improved :)

the fish i had today was splendiferous, i know i should feel bad for nemo, what with him losing his father and all but you taste so guuuud, wow-wee! y did i share it? note to self, be more selfish.

breath mints? check!

going to miami tomorrow, boring......i don't know miami just doesn't do it for me, or maybe i don't go to the right places when i'm there. it's like so fake, i mean seriously, those are your boobs? ye, i'm so sure and u have to drive everywhere, the last time i ws there i saw hmmm, one bus. c'est tout. NY now man oh man, culture for miles, i cud hop on the train, the 1, 2, 3, 4, 5, n, q (my fav) and just blaze to anywhere. go in the village, eat at spice (plugged!) and shop on Broadway, spend money i shud save and catch a play, spoken word nites at the cafe, reggae nights at belmont, sigh....i could go on and on. this is depressing

anyways, where is my father geez? it's after 6.