the trouble with being imperfect

a brighter day

2010-03-20T01:40:00.006-04:00

a brighter day

is just over the horizon

yes, warm days are

destined to come

no more restless storms

and over-flowing rivers

no more street corners and

dope fiend killers

for a brighter day

is not far away

as long as we stay strong

and remember to pray

and the hungry and starving

will all get their full

the church seats will all be

taken by the faithful

yes, a brighter day

is gonna come

as long as we spread that love

to someone

i'm not giving up

on the drop-outs or illeterates

i won't snitch on those who had to fail

'fore they kicked their habits

for that brighter day

is meant for them too

you never know when

God's watching you

and he forgives you

and he loves us so

he's just waiting for us

you know

and that brighter day

is going change

the mindset of a lazy society

He already forgave

oh a brighter day

is coming again

what joyful day when we meet

in his Kingdom.

Lord, send down your continued blessings

so the people know.

thank you.

God, bless the children

2010-03-06T01:27:00.008-04:00

when i was a child

i played as happily as a child

i laughed hysterically at jokes i didn't understand.

when i was a child

i asked countless questions

i was more trusting of people and i believed their words.

when i was a child

i loved big airplanes, barbies and horse racing

i loved visits to daddy on week-ends.

when i was a child

i believed in the tooth fairy and monsters under the bed

i wanted so badly to go to wonderland with alice.

as a child

i was just as, or even more talkative

i asked millions of questions as a child,

i was more playful

i took more risks as a child

i never broke any promises.

when i was a child

i cherished bedtime stories

i always went to sleep with a night lamp.

when i was a child

i spoke as children do

and i knew my place.

when i was a child

i got punished when i should

but i was never beaten.

i was never tied to a chair and forgotten

i was never put in a microwave or an oven

i was never found in a trash can.

i was never starved or neglected

i was never abused or misused or stomped on

i was never alone.

oh children of today

who are robbed of a wonderful childhood

who are forced to grow up too fast.

who never laugh and know no joy

i love you because i don't know

if i could make it today the way you do.

and all i have are tales

of a woman who was once a child

but has since put away those things.

God, bless the children

please, bless the children.

thank you.

tick tock

2010-03-05T01:09:00.000-04:00

1 am in the morning, and i just can't sleep...i'm in New York.

i'm in NY cause i lost my job, i'm in NY cause my grandfather is worsening, i'm in NY cause somehow i feel this is where God wants me to be right now so i'm not afraid.

my second home. being here reminds me of all the reasons why i love this city. why i appreciate the seasons of change.

1:03 and i can't sleep because there is something nagging at me about the way i was "let go" though i know i should let go and Let God.

see, if it weren't for me losing my job i would not be in the position i am right now. i would not be in the position to lend support to my grandmother who really needs it the most right now. as we prepare for the transition into the "home".

i was blaming 'this body' and 'that body' for me being unemployed. thinking 'they'd won'. but right now i don't see any winners. and if it was in God's hands from the beginning i really don't have a need to be worried or fearful.

i'm awake at 1:06 am because i know it takes my grand dad a few tossings and turnings to fall soundly to sleep. i'm awake because i need to be. i'm awake so i could be there in case he needs me. either way, i don't mind.

hope's door? let me in..

2010-01-27T22:35:00.003-04:00

why are we so scared?

to step into the light

doesn't our faith guarantee us

that this will end right?

i'm afraid and i don't know

as the world keeps a-shifting

the plates are broken on the table

and there's a big mess in the kitchen.

there's crying somewhere in the world tonight

though i cannot hear from here

i feel the need to say a prayer

and hope that my thoughts reach them.

whoever they are, those unnamed faces

with blood shot eyes and open scars

who'd probably care less about hotels

clothes, cars, or who did what at the bar.

i won't lie it scares me...

as there seems to be no escape

from the torturing and the beatings

no mother's love to keep you warm

or protect you while you're sleeping.

its hard i say to keep the faith

when the world's filled with the faithless

i pray that we can change our ways

and find a way to save the saveless.

life is a short but wonderful journey

2009-11-20T01:13:00.004-04:00

life is so precious

life is so grande

you better nourish and water it

the very best you can.

life is so delicate

life is so pure

it can breakdown those walls

let love from you pore.

life is a mystery

a puzzle at times

tomorrow is not promised

but forever is mine.

as i play in His kingdom

as i lay at His feet

what a day of rejoicing

when my Father i meet.

so take this sweet life

and it's presents too

make sure you're living it

the way He wants you to.

i try to.

thank you.

imagine living to be 95 years old! how wonderful that must be! cheers to a great man, who i barely knew but who was also my neighbour.

life is too short not to live it rejoicing!!

so i will lift up a praise and say a prayer tonight for him and for niamh.

be blessed.

i am blessed...aren't i?

2009-10-27T23:25:00.006-04:00

i can't lie

i've been feeling

low, lower than

i ever cared to

go, down to

the ground

without a foot

to stand on.

i've been

worked hard

verbally scarred

and never praised

for the things

i do.

not that they

need to. i mean

i woke up

this morning

did the usual

but there was

something unusual

about doing it.

i've let my worries

get the best

of me, i didn't give

praise or even

notice the new

day and fresh dew

i might as well

be blind for not

seeing life's beauty..

not noticing the smells

not listening

to the sounds

of God's music..

those jazzy leaves

crazy country cars

those soul sistas

and those rhythm

and blues guitar winds

that kissed my cheeks

and lifted my spirit

with their passing.

they say God

don't like ugly

but doesn't he?

bajans say

"he coming fah we

cause we sinnin"

but isn't God forgiving?

doesn't he Love

everything?

and everyone.

come on

let's not forget

to big-Him-up one

to give Him praise

give Him his due..won't you?

i think i

should stop

waltzing through

life without giving

praise where i can

i'm a woman

with so much

going on i

gotta share it

with someone

why not try

on earth 'fore

my soul kisses

the sky, it's the

least i can do

i mean, i'm

blessed..

aren't i?

thank you.

oh challenges challenges, challenges, they never go away, but i've learnt how to laugh at you, how to pray and keep the faith, only grave diggers start at the top and it's time i started doing it His way, not mine, and not in my time...

today at work was hard but i made it through by God's grace..

it's hard to let go and let God be in control, but not doing that would be like fighting a losing battle so, i'm letting go..

life is so wonderful, i just don't want to waste a day!

be blessed people and listen to the music..

who moved my cheese?

2009-05-26T21:53:00.005-04:00

i understand that i am not meant to understand

and everyday i'm learning that i need not always look to the sky to see you

you are everywhere

in everything

always

when i feel weak

when i feel strong

when i feel in between

it's not just me

but it's you

living in me

gee, i'm lucky.

thank you.

my journey is one that i will look back upon and be proud to see the woman i have become.

my journey will have hills and valleys, dead ends and closed doors that will make me a stronger woman.

my journey will break promises, be late, sometimes early yet be filled with positive energy.

my journey will lead me down long winding twisting turning roads that seem like they will never end but the woman in me will encourage me to carry on, keep going, i'm my own number one fan.

my journey will allow me to recognize when it is right for me and no one else, so please, give me space to learn.

my journey is continuing and i am growing in the meantime.

tonight i am grateful for truth.

eNErgY

2009-05-12T22:45:00.004-04:00

i'm troubled

bothered to the point that i toss and turn in my sleep

doubts and witches and werewolves in my mind creep

and i have a confession

i haven't prayed for days

i haven't asked for guidance

i haven't talked to God

why is it that when i feel weak i find it hardest to talk to you?

am i ashamed? afraid of what you might tell me?

because i know i am not quite at that place where i need to make that decision?

my energy, my inner and outer, my chi

feels like it's had enough already

i'm troubled

can anyone help me?

thank you.

i'm not feeling like the woman i know i am blessed to be..

..the rain this morning was a blessing..

2009-03-27T16:15:00.003-04:00

Our Father,

who surrounds me everyday

i've had some things on my mind

that i'd like to ask today..

how did you make the stars

so beautiful and so bright?

that led those wise men to seek

our baby Jesus that night.

the golden sun that shines

and the crystal clear blue sky

the winds that bind us together

the rain that gives new life.

all the animals and creatures

the insects, birds and the bees

the seas and all the waterfalls

the amazon's magic and the trees.

Lord, what was on your mind that day

when you drew up my design?

my eyes, my ears, my mouth and nose

and my pearly whites..

the people and the places

all across this globe

the cultures, classes and religions

and the love that holds..

us together.

the poverty and the illness

God, yes! i question that?

the natural disasters and hurricanes

from Katrina to Iraq?

do you see your people Lord

rapidly destroying themselves?

is global warming really the fault

of an under-educated commonwealth?

and the leaders and the followers

the presidents and the kings

are they living up to your vision

of a good shepherd leading?

Dear Father,

i may never understand

your blueprint for my life

but i know i will be your humble servant

as morning turns to midday turns to night.

forever and ever

Amen.

thank you.

i woke up this morning, head feeling kinda light, it was only then i realised..i grew wings over night...so i have no choice but to soar...

(Go West Indies!)

snatching JOY! (a line from L.M Ross)

2009-02-14T02:58:00.001-04:00

he said "this poem is a light"
so i tried to make it shine
with all my might.

and every morning
took it for a walk
listened attentively
when it tried to talk.

kept all of it's secrets
laughed at every joke
forever fascinated
by every word it spoke.

he said "this poem's a lyric song"
so i desperately tried
to sing along.

and script the notes
for the music
compose the score
for others to play it.

they began to sway
to my tune so loud
from two to three
became a crowd.

he said "this is, to me, a blessing"
and i decided to
spread the lesson.

so the world could know
of God's grace
to remind them to believe
even if we don't know his face.

find some quiet time
so your heart could listen
to those sweet psalms
he's always whispering.

he always says to "snatch joy"
so i'm snatching vibes from
the girls and boys

the beautiful people
created by God
i write what i write
just because.

i'm blessed with lyrics,
joy and song
and my light shineth
all year round

so look for me
in the stillness of the night
i'm that big star
shining ever so bright

shining through
the morning's dew
ever shining
upon you.

thank you.

we should all try.

pOLitiKINg

2009-02-13T15:19:00.002-04:00

this one is..
for the hustlers
the bustlers
the 9-5 ballers...
the wankstas
the pranksters
the wanna be gangstas..
the leaders
the followers
the shot-callers...
the robbers
the clobbers
the up and down bobbers..
for the doctors
the lawyers
the bank tellers and the yellers..
the prince
the pauper
the middle class daughter..
for the virgins
the harlots
the judge and the jury...
for the teachers
the preachers
for the truthful deceivers..
the receivers
the givers and takers
this one is for the fakers...
this is for you...
the back biters
the fighters
the igniters
the writers...
the truth seekers
the readers
the imagination feeders..
the haters
the maters
the segregaters...
for the lovers
the mothers, fathers
the sisters, the brothers
the helping hands of others
the friends
the foe
the people you don't know...
for passers by
for the old
for the young
for the weak and for the strong...
this is their song
this is their praise
this is for the sinners
it's never too late..
...to seek God.

thank you.

i pray for peace.

written 12-05-08

and then there was hope.

2009-02-08T21:29:00.004-04:00

this sweet love power flowed

against my resistant winds

over unreachable mountain tops

healed my broken wings.

it came through a warm smile

through love's hugging and kissing

it came through an unexpected miracle

of a harvest blessing.

it gives faith to the faithless

It gives wealth to the poor

it puts food upon the table

and it opens closed doors.

it brought an end to wars before

and made friends out of foes

it came after those heavy rains

through the colours of the rainbow.

protects us in the darkness

keeps us safe and warm at night

watches over us as we sleep

opens our eyes to the sunlight.

if Jesus wanted me for a sunbeam

i'd shine all my glorious days

cause this love power has me filled

with wonderment, joy and praise.

and this feeling is so awesome

i could just go on and on

but i think i'll go spread the word

and leave my readers with this one...

"But seek first his kingdom and his righteousness, and all these things will be given to you as well. Therefore do not worry about tomorrow, for tomorrow will worry about itself. Each day has enough trouble of its own."

Matthew 6: 33-34

thank you.

today was hard but i made it through and that's all i could ever ask for. cheers to triumphing.

come In.

2009-01-20T16:59:00.003-04:00

love has lifted me and dropped me
friends have abused and disrespected me
money comes as fast as it goes
and just leaves me here with heart woes..

give me a chance to touch the light
give me a candle to cradle at night
give me a hope string to pull
gimme a second to make multiple...

what else is there to write about
i've cast myself into a wave of self-doubt
as life has drained, dribbled and dragged me
but i know my God has not forgot me...

i feel Him each time i take a deep breath
i feel Him in the music cavity of my chest
i feel Him in the wind that brushes against my skin
i feel Him within...

thank God for a new day and miracles
saying a praise song for a poet's words that were so lyrical
joyful noises for people, places and things
i'm sharing blessings for EVERYTHING.

Amen and thank you.

how easily we get so caught up in life's challenges, how easily. this life here is a gift. God never sends us anything he knows we can't handle. my mindset tells me i will triumph over whatever and my faith holds everything together. holla!

and happy new year!

up up up

2008-12-17T11:32:00.002-04:00

i stood on tippy-toe
trying my best to touch the sky
and get a lil piece of that sunshine
that radiates from on high

a hand touched my hand
i started to reach higher
my heart filled with joy
was i going to meet the Messiah?

felt like i was floating
as my weights became so light
i gazed at the wonders of heaven
that was bewitching my eye-sight

how can anyone doubt Him
or stray about from his word?
when i look upon this beautiful earth
and the wonders of His world

i stood on tip-toe this morning
but i never imagined such glory
i could've just kept this blessing to myself
'stead i decided to share this story
of God's goodness.

thank you.

what will wednesday bring?

today i'm giving thanks for blessings.

reachin'

2008-12-16T23:02:00.005-04:00

it's been a while
since i took the time
to rhyme..
been feeling
all over the place
and up and down
God, where are you?
i've felt so alone
not even my faith kept me steady
and these loads that i carry seem so heavy..
and now i don't even know
what to do..
God, where are you?
are you listening to me?
i've strayed and i haven't prayed for days...
this isn't how i thought my story would read
and i'm getting mixed up 'tween my wants and my needs
i'm looking for a more positive point of view
God....where are you?
i've been feeling so so blue
and walking away from your light
i've even lost the urge to write
it's so hard to reach out to you when i feel so low
so worried that you might let me let go...of you
even though i know you're always there
God...give me the strength i need to persevere
i know you won't give me more than i can carry
i beseech you...breathe life into a soul that is weary
and traveling with a heavy heart.

thank you.

it's been a while but i'm starting to feel it in my fingers....

spreading the love

2008-11-27T14:56:00.001-04:00

..so i feel a lil weird about doing this yet i feel really good at the same time :)

my blog was nominated by the talented L.M Ross as “Über Amazing!” and it is my duty to pay it forward by listing 5 blogs that have lent to my growth through inspiration and enlightenment.

enjoy!

http://poetrystreetbeat.blogspot.com/

http://lmross-moanerplicities.blogspot.com/

http://lyricsandmaladies.blogspot.com/

http://mimitsthoughts.blogspot.com/

Honorable mention goes to Free Spirit (who does not blog anymore but who was there with me from the beginning)

big up and nuff respect!

it begins...

2008-11-19T00:02:00.004-04:00

DAILYBREAD
spiritual Saviour, send soothing psalms over
calm my creative core with cool coconut water blessings
sensor my ears from the verbal viciousness vaporizing my atmosphere
mentor my mouth with lyrics of heavenly manna
may my eyes eagerly engage in the enchantment of this earth
let me taste the testament that is the truth of your word
mold my mind with the miracle of your message...

can i seek forgiveness for my foolish favours?
and as i expect, let me forgive my neighbours

help me to..
lend love where it is absent..
shine light where there is darkness..
take time to listen where there are too many voices..
help me to help others, help themselves..

guide me
govern my being
graciously accept my apology for being a sinner

spiritual Saviour, send soothing songs over
calm my creative character with healing cocoa butter
that i may serve you Holistically, Divinely and Unconditionally..
forever.

thank you.

my mind and soul have been in need of some healing and tonight i feel like i have what it takes to make the necessary changes...

..a dear friend of mine reminded me on Sunday to never forget to be thankful for everything (thanks Sueann) and i find i have strayed from my thankful ways..

today i am thankful for all of my beautiful friends who help paint the picture that is me...
i am thankful for life, countless opportunities and the capacity to start over ever time or try again..
i am thankful for love, family, food, clothing and shelter and i am thankful for this world we live in, granted it's a far cry from utopia it is as God sees it, so i appreciate it...

peace!

this one is Called..

2008-11-08T23:06:00.006-04:00

is it possible
to love God and a Man
without a gold band
on my left hand?
and knowingly
live in sin
when i don't even know where this is going?
is it possible
to make the ultimate sacrifice
and watch him walk out
of my life
cause i am tired
of putting him before God?
this is hard...
the decisions we make
not knowing which path
we should take
the struggle between the spirit
and the body
and i've always been somebody's
somebody but when
the trials and temptations come
i have nobody...

...but God.

thank you.

i have a lot of thoughts running through my head and i must fight against my temptations...i know i am stronger than this...i think i need to pray and leave it with God, cause it seems like no one else is willing to take my fears..

..so God.....here!

good vs evil.

2008-10-27T21:07:00.002-04:00

satan tries
satan lies
satan tempts
satan vents
satan sneaks
satan creeps
satan bleeds
satan's greed
satan's pills
satan kills
satan steals
satan weasels
satan hates
satan baits
satan grabs
satan nabs
satan destroys
satas foils
satan's hell
satan's bottomless well
satan scars
satan mars
satan takes
satan breaks
satan goes
satan's woes
satan robs
satan mobs
satan is a loser...
...but God!

God is
God lives
God does
God Loves
God gives
God sacrifices
God's Hands
God understands
God hears
God cares
God feeds
God's needs
God unifies
God bides
God feels
God heals
God kneels
God seals
God holds
God's gold
God teaches
God reaches
God plans
God opens
God starts
God's heart
God is the beginning
Let Him be your ending.

thank you.

i was having a hard day until i signed in and saw something that made me smile..

the hardest thing is to know, i strongly believe in that phrase because if you don't know then you can't take any action, make any changes..work (my job) is hard and it constantly tests my faith. Satan is everywhere and ever busy, doesn't he ever get tired? then i'm stuck with my own paradox..while i tell myself over and over that when one door closes another one opens and that God provides...my little voice has been telling me for weeks to "get out" of my job and i haven't had the guts to leave...my fear...

....my fear that i won't land on my feet, that that door won't open like i believe, that my bills won't go on hold until i find my true mission..everything. and i must admit that i'm scared.

but again the hardest thing is to know. now i know and i need God more now than ever....what to do?

i was having a hard day until i signed in and saw something that made me smile...

...thank you.

i made it!! (to today)

2008-10-19T09:34:00.005-04:00

beautiful sun
radiating sunbeams of glory
God and all His awesomeness
is my favorite bedtime story
trials and temptations
and doubting "Thomases"
he has never yet failed me
and has kept all of His promises
how excellent is His name
when spoken with righteous lips
and made from the earth
and plucked from a rib
he keeps my soul dancing
in the early morning
and calms my spirit daily
until twilight's dawning
and when i lay me down at night
i rest my weary head
knowing the grace of God
has me....
well fed.

thank you.

today will be an awesome day as i have the power to control my thoughts and actions. though temptations may follow me i'll keep them in the background cause i have more profound reason to give my best. i'm blessed, so blessed and sometimes i wonder why me? but i won't question God and his originality i will just try to be....a good servant.

been feeling a bit burnt out recently, feels like i am living to work, instead of working to live. the former speaks to my life being void of prayers and praise and more on hours and bills. i don't like it but i have myself to blame who else but me can efficiently manage my time?

....balance. i'm a Libra and i can't find the balance. it troubles me.

a friend of mine suggested to me earlier this week that i should dedicate at least 5-10 minutes of alone time for talking with God and i haven't even made the effort. i will do that shortly.

with each day i feel even more thankful, thankful for eyes that can see the morning sun..

i write for a reason

2008-10-13T12:14:00.004-04:00

..i too
choose to listen
dance with the wind
i don't mind second place
i just wanna finish..is all
i don't mind atall
holding the door for you
letting you take me seat
and i definitely don't care
if you're packing heat
see..i'm sweet and tender
and full of sugar
and i'd melt the tips
of an iceberg
with my words.
no..but i don't wanna sound
cocky luckily i have
God! he grounds me
fills me sustains me
delivers me from adversity
so i wanna give a shout out
to Him for through Him
i have found eternity.

thank you.

i guess it's something that comes with growing...growing in all facets be it spiritual, mental, individual, physical even sexual. it comes and stays and you either have to deal with it head on or ignore it and let it stay there undernourished.

i guess i used to be embarrassed, i felt like my messages were so hmmmm, corny, ordinary "undeep", man just weak, and i never wanted to open myself up to criticism. plus i was fearful of who i knew was watching me. why? i don't know. but i guess i've grown.

i've changed in the sense that i am open now to other people, other words, other points of view. i am open to listening and getting the courage to voice my opinions. i'm not ashamed to learn from others and i think that has been the most exciting part...learning from people who have been filling voids that i didn't even know existed. i am filled with gladness when i think of the doors and avenues this new point of view has led me too..

so to all that pass through, to those that allow me to see you and your points of view and influence and shape my thinking...thank you.

wiser too!!

2008-10-04T23:38:00.003-04:00

..anew!

I woke up a different woman this morning
Different to the woman that closed her eyes to sleep
What a beautiful surprise the sunrise was
Removing the shades of darkness
I watched the sun creep towards the bed
Towards my body, massaging me into the day
And I felt like I could handle whatever came my way
I feel like I can be that woman that I long to be
I feel free to decide and free to pray
And today I am praying for forgiveness
I woke up this morning and I was a different woman
A blessed woman, a woman with potential
I don’t know who that was that closed her eyes to sleep
But like the blind she has opened her eyes to see
That life is beautiful.
And she can be
Hopeful.

thank you.

be careful what you wish for..

yesterday was my birthday and i spent the entire morning and some of the afternoon at an accident site and the police station. i got into an accident at 9:30 a.m. and while i was not the one at fault in a way i am connected to this scene. all morning i was cursing the fact that i had to go to work, saying over and over that i wish i didn't have to go and thinking of excuses so that i could leave early. i basically "spoke" this accident into my life by focusing on it so much both mentally and verbally.

and it is true, what you speak into your life can come true, sometimes in ways that you wouldn't even imagine. what you say of others as well, you can speak negativity into someone else's life, that's why nowadays i am so cautious of what i think to myself and say of/to others. training myself to have positive uplifting thoughts. it's a work in progress.

i am thankful that no one got hurt yesterday, thankful for another year, for life, family and friendships. i can achieve anything as long as i always put God first!!

who am i, what and why?

2008-09-15T17:01:00.001-04:00

when i am
around you i
like to pretend
and hold my breath
hoping you'll meet me
around the bend.
and when you
turn to leave my
side i wish and hope and
pray that through the thick
the thin the in-between your
footsteps will guide my way.

thank you.

God is awesome and Vanya means gracious gift of God and it goes back to what the pastor says "this life God gave us is a gift". gifts can come in all sizes, all patterns and shapes but they're gifts nonetheless and they need to be valued and appreciated. today Vanya wants to stop complaining as much and start shining more...

Nicky is missing and i am praying and hoping that she comes home soon or if someone took her that they can find it in their hearts to bring her back. you can get so attached to animals and it's amazing how thoughts of her being missing consumed my being all day. but i have faith in God's will and i know it will be well however it turns out.

a little tired today, a kind of fatigue that my usual coffee could not shake, i can't wait to get home, put on some Marvin Gaye and breeze...

i ain't apologizin'....

a grown woman...

2008-08-30T22:30:00.004-04:00

there was a hint of sweetness
in your voice
said i was on your mind
and i blushed
was i? was i really?
brought a smile to my face
yes....yes you did
that you were thinking of me
made me wonder
how often do you....
think of me?

peace!

today was a nice day. i feel good and i feel like my confidence is coming back. looking forward to tonight.

i loved him. nuff said!

i can't wait for my trip, i think it is just what i need, a week in NY while fall is slowly creeping in, and i can finally take a trip that feels like a vacation.....no shopping! just parks and museums and plays and movies, oh and relaxation. i can't wait to see my grandparents again...i miss them

i think i will also look for a job (just to keep my options open)

praise and meditation and then he came...

she has no time

2008-08-21T23:30:00.006-04:00

do you see
you are a beautiful
human being?
soft snow honey dew skin
with the framework of an
architect's kin?
lips lovingly laced with words
that are traced over my heart
can't you see....you are
a work of art?
sculpted by the hands
of our great God - such imperfections
makes my soul applaud
who amongst us can say
that they are not without sin
don't be afraid to recognize
the beauty you possess within.
and shine...

thank you.

it's been a while but i feel good and positive and i just can't wait to fall again but i'll definitely take my time :)

2008-08-11T20:47:00.000-04:00

i am sad...

no joy

2008-07-31T05:15:00.003-04:00

i have tried for the last few months to make you as miserable as i feel and now i've succeeded i am not even enjoying the moment...does it even make sense?....inevitability slowly creeps in....

the mood is.

2008-07-23T14:00:00.006-04:00

i've been having some strange feelings recently when it comes to love. limitations i guess. i've always heard that you should love the one you can't live without...do i want that though? do i want to be so enamored with someone that i can't live without them, my life stops when they leave or that i stay in a situation that is not good for me? no, no i can't do that...not again. so then am i loving as i should? am i giving wholeheartedly, am i being true to love but then wanting to be love unconditionally when i know i might be holding back?

i always used to say circumstances made me what i am meaning that i am how i am because of my life events but then i get on my couch and counsel people in letting go the weights from the past. i feel within myself that i can handle any heartbreak that may come my way because i got over my first real love but i could just be blowing smoke as well. it's one of those situations that you won't know until you know i guess.

but i know i am lacking something but i just can't figure out if it is a lacking that i am the cause of or if this is the reason. i want to care about something so passionately that just thinking about it gives me goose bumps but i am afraid that some circumstances have left me empty and numb...and i hate it. i hate not feeling.

slow beats to quick steps
warms winds to cool your chest
sunset moans to sundown moans to sunset
reggae to old dub to ragga soca to bashment
whether with friends acquaintances family
sorrow sighs to laughter to Love's memory
wherever there is wind to run with the music
the mood is however you make it
so..make it...

thank you.

i'm a star (how can i not shine?)

2008-07-19T22:11:00.003-04:00

i've been shining my light on you
slowly etching my warm rays towards you
wishing for you dreams that come through
honey brown eyes that view...
only things that are beautiful
blessings that are overflowing and bountiful
surrounded by a family that is wonderful...
and supportive.
and me glowing with the knowledge that
when it comes to matters of the heart
we are working on the same art
and that you finish the words that i start
that you are in my poems and rhymes
i mean, i'm a star...

thank you.

feelings come and go, but some seem to hang around for a long time...and on a day like today...i don't mind at all :). thank you for being my life line.

ppffttt!#$%^&@ you're so eeeeek! i seriously have to stop answering the phone when you call...seriously!

i've been thinking about children a lot recently..maybe it's all the baby-sitting i've been doing but i can't wait to be a mother...so nervous at the same time...when will i know that i'm ready?...will i have a faithful and committed man by my side to father my children and see it through to the end?...i don't want to create a broken home for my children...so how do you know when it's right? i pray God puts me/keeps me in a relationship that he knows is blessed...cause when it comes to matters of the heart....i usually follow my heart over my mind.

i got de festival feva!!!!

writing therapy

2008-07-13T22:07:00.003-04:00

unhappiness
i am weak not strong
figures why i can't keep my feet on the ground
sounds the way i sing that same old song
i've been held down for so long
i take full responsibility for not moving on
but i yearn to love the one i hang around
i want the sun to shine on this one
i want us to be that happy him and her noun
i want it to be rumoured all over town
how much they all see that we belong
but i am too weak and he is too young
and i don't know where the love has gone
recently, i've been missing the sun..

thank you.

i got my old hard drive back!!!!! granted no more laptop (for now) but at least i got my files back, i feel like i can breathe again and hopefully i'll pick up some inspiration from my old rhymes...bout time.

i get so frustrated sometimes, i have no idea how i truly feel. how do i feel????? i can't make any decisions about my future if i don't even know myself...sometimes i feel like i'm the only one but no, i can't be.

you're confusing me...i think you're best left where you were...in the PAST!!!

i am mellowing and learning to have patience, mama told me this morning, leave it with God. so i will.

amen.

sometimes i'm afraid of things i cannot see too

2008-07-07T16:31:00.004-04:00

i miss my laptop, i really do. it's like my days are spent idling away with nothing of significance to do...depending on other ppl's devices to surf, man it's getting depressing.

is it me or is it hotter than usual nowadays, i've been sweating in all regions (lol) recently, most evenings i can't wait to go home, shower and just relax

.....i've lost my inspiration to write. nothing has been coming to me, and all of my poems are stuck on my old laptop which we can't seem to be able to get into.....

bored at work.

love is as love does...

2008-07-03T00:42:00.002-04:00

he treats you like a boy
frowns when you don't act like a man
damn! he could as well've circumcised you
with his bare hands...

i hope you grow to be more than he ever is.
(with or without me)

what a beautiful surprize sunrise is to those who've lived in darkness.....

2008-07-02T01:12:00.002-04:00

raindrops outside my window
like the tears that soak my heart
so much confusion in such an empty space
it's like we're worlds apart

i want you to be a beautiful
i want to see all your dreams come true
tonight, tonight, i wish upon a star....
i want the sun to shine on you

thank you.

today will be a wonderful day, i've finished my article and i feel good about that and i want to be able to reach one of my clients today in a more powerful way. in a way that when they walk out of my door their mind's a-twirling at the theories and notions proposed and that they embrace their possibilities.....they can be so much more than what they can even conceive.

i too have to start believing in me more, freal....i've been at a standstill.

love is as love does.....

...i keep....

2008-06-29T12:54:00.003-04:00

i have to laugh......cause i don't wanna cry
i gotta live.......cause i don't wanna die
i must keep going.....cause i'm searching for joy
the joy in my heart.......even if for a second
even if it's a lie.....cause i can't handle the truth.

thank you.

i keep holding onto something that cannot fulfill me.

i keep wondering what my next move should be?

i keep wondering what lies ahead of me?

i keep wondering "is that all there is?"

thought that you were wise but you were otherwise

2008-06-26T12:56:00.000-04:00

i'm turning into a woman
i don't even recognize
it isn't true what
they say about 9 lives
my 6th, 7th and 8th died
at the same time. so now
i'm down to my last life line
and all those tales i'm realizing
are all lies...

thank you.

i'm having a great week, dinner on monday was great and sex and the city was worth the wait definitely, i got some fashion hints for sure and this year it will be on!

second doubts, third doubts, you name it, i'm having it.

why?

who's been asking 'bout me?

2008-06-23T13:59:00.000-04:00

he brushed my sleeve
and now i can't breathe
damn! why did he have to touch me?
i am jonesing....

thank you.

what a wonderful week-end, my cousin got married and the ceremony was just awesome, man, i have the blueprint in my head now for my future husband.

happy birthday nef! dinner should be nice tonite.

now me being the big critic that i am and leaning more towards neo-soul rap i am totally surprised at how much i am loving lil weezy's album, track 2, track 7, track 8 (robin thicke hellooooo) track 10 yeah yeah!!! feeling it, feeling it. he's no kanye but he's weezy baBY!!!!

so i started my new diet today, not diet to lose weight of course but to build muscle and have a healthier intake. i am loving it so much, wasn't too sure about the oats in the morning but they're not that bad and it's giving me a chance to practice my cooking since certain people keep saying i can't cook. but seriously cooking is over-rated lol

hoping to draw positivity closer to me this week.

i am strengthening.....

being

2008-06-12T02:21:00.000-04:00

i woke up this morning not sure how i was gonna face today but it was just too beautiful to let waste away and instead of spending my time bluesin' i decided to spend some time singing....and i know i can't sing but man i was singing today everything from des'ree to marvin gaye

now i feel better.....

me, myself and misery

2008-06-06T18:37:00.000-04:00

i feel miserable today, where is the joy that consumed me yesterday?

i don't know what i want anymore, i was so sure that this was where i should be but now, uncertainty, hmmmm, i think i'll take it to the Lord in prayer. i never in my life imagined it would be this hard to find a good job when i moved back, now i have regrets? i don't know. but for the rest of the day i'll try to think happy thoughts. and it's not that i don't like the job i have now, i was blessed when i found it but now i'm feeling a bit under-valued. but is that what i want? do i want recognition? i don't know what i want and that is the problem.

and with stress comes my acne, it's getting back as bad as it was before and that alone is depressing, i'm finally becoming more social and going out but now i feel to hide in my house. at least my animals love me :)

i really haven't been as creative as i should be and i miss NY. (and yes justin you're right, i'm too whiny)

i am misery wrapped in something slender yet i am always pointing fingers, hmmm, i need to check my phalanges.

Jill Scott is Beautiful......

2008-06-05T03:44:00.000-04:00

oh man i have been blessed to watch one of the best movies i have seen in a while, awe man, being black is wonderful. if you haven't yet then you have to watch why did i get married? i loved EVERYTHING about it, it was soulful, it was sad, it was joyous, it was everything and it has moved me to writing.

firstly, when i compare the good to the bad, (and trust me there is some bad/unbearable/miserable/i could go on lol) the good shines more and i'm thankful for the good times and i'm thankful for you. nuff said. besides i'm imperfect myself.

i love love my girlfriends and i wouldn't change any of them for the world, even the ones that've hurt me, left me, betrayed me, i still love you wherever you are cause i haven't always been the best either and i know each one of you were there for me in some way during my sad times. i think i need to let you gals know how much you really mean to me more.

sidebar - why are my eyes filling with H2O? hmmmmmm

being black is beautiful
being black is beautiful
being black is beautiful
black is beautiful.....

i am going to bed a blessed woman :)

today i'm celebrating being black....

2008-06-04T18:14:00.001-04:00

i read a really interesting article in the sunday sun about being black. how can you tell how black someone is if they were born of a white mother and spent 9 months being in a white woman and so forth. i immediately remembered this poem i read years ago that started off "being black is a state of mind......" how do we tell who is truly black, by their skin colour? by how they act? you always hear how black someone is getting on, how some white rappers feel they're black based on the way they spit and i'm like eh? so then what is it?

am i more black than a person who might have a white mother or father? am i more black than what bajans would call a high red person? am i more black because i like wrap skirts and i wear oils? am i not black because i listen to "white music" (what is that?) am i blacker because i identify with the african diaspora? hmmmm, i have so many questions as a "black" woman, a coloured woman...so if i'm coloured would that make everyone else colourless? or are they coloured as well?

i don't know, being black seems to be difficult, being black means that i have to take offence when someone other than another "black" person says 'nigga' hey, let's abolish the word to begin with. granted i am guilty of using it too but no more, i've become more negro conscious. being 'black' means that i should support OJ even if he is guilty. being 'black' means that i deserve affirmative action as that is my only hope of 'making it'. man being black gives me a headache sometimes.

but i have no complaints. this whole black thought is what drives and sustains me. it gives me an identity and a history and pushes me forward constantly and it's not a bother at all.

besides everyone always likes my tan.....

black is...
black is how i like my coffee in the morning
black used to be the colour of my heart's mourning
now it's bright yellow...

black is mellow and fierce at the same time
black is the ink of the pen which writes my rhymes
black is bad? uh uh, to me, never looked more good
black is the shape of motherhood

black smells like rich cocoa on winter evenings
black is my soul radiating from within
damn! black is what's happening!

if black is beautiful then everything else must be ugly
it must suck to be a different colour than me.
hey, what colour are you?

i am evolving and i am thankful for all the rain, my tree needed it.

black and white

2008-06-02T03:20:00.001-04:00

right before i step up to the mic
seconds before i hit the stage
you're there trying to pull me down?
don't you ever get tired of being so negative?

there's no more room for you here
you're lease has expired get out
i have the joy of chorus in my heart
and there is no longer any room for self-doubt.

so i had to buss a rhyme but i'm sorry your...time...is..up!
peace.

i had a fabulous vacation, oh man i don't even know where to start. i guess the best part was celebrating my granny's 80th b'day, man that broad is getting old. she still has one of the best sense of humours anywhere and i hope she lives to see many more.

so i decided to take to the clothes selling business, just something to do on the side for ppl who don't get to travel and this is proving harder than i'd originally imagined as it entails speaking to people. eeeeeeek! i am such a contradiction i know as my job requires me to talk non-stop but actually going up to strangers chaaaa, i just can't do it. my throat chokes up and i end up saying some dribble. case in point friday evening. what was that about? went like this "hi, i have some clotheskj ahvgda ahv havgd sell" lmao. how funny i'm laughing now but i was like bright pink then. anyways i'll try again tomorrow. gotta make some sales yo!

sigh* my job, should i start job hunting? at least i've finished the newsletter sigh***

last night with the girls was great!!! i actually enjoyed myself and didn't leave after an hour (i have to remember to pat my back tomorrow) and i danced lol, infact not only did i dance (i wuk-up a lil bit) hahahahahaha. good times. happy birthday mel :)

well it's off to bed for me. life is beautiful so i wouldn't complain but recently i feel like i know i am gonna take a different direction and that thought alone scares the poop outta me but i will 'keep keeping on' and do my do, i am so blessed how 'bout you?

i am too soft at times, i really need to grow a thicker skin.

thank you solitude.

I heart NY

2008-05-21T00:37:00.001-04:00

but my home will always be Barbados :)

awe, new york new york, the weather is just fine and i am enjoying my vacation. my cousin's graduation was beautiful, wow, she's grown into a wonderful person (weep weep) they grow so fast.

the rain is putting a damper on my outings but it's still a blessing and i am enjoying my family time, i've missed them oh so much and stuff that i used to make a big deal out of now seems so small. with the way things are going in the world recently i wish we were all together....wherever.

but i will continue to weather the storm (no pun intended) and make the best of it. started off rocky but it will take more than one disgruntled, high and mighty, inconsiderate individual to break me. what will be will be and i will pray for you. nuff said.

i am trying...who i was yesterday is not who i am today, i've changed.

i've been growing some love in my garden
coupled with patience and understanding
i've been watering it every night and
during the day blessing it with the sunlight
and now it has grown much taller than i am
now it lives in the heart of a strong man
it lives in these brown eyes that see me through
it lives in you.

you are where the light is

2008-05-15T09:26:00.002-04:00

soul bent
you give me that soul power
feel like i can conquer anything
bring it send it throw it
i swing it outta commission
cause i have a vision and people
are listening to my point of view
it feels good not having to scream anymore...

thank you.

my condolences to Janelle, TJ, Stuart, Rachelle and the entire mayers family, i loved terry as well and he will be missed.

i am so tired. i didn't leave work until 10 p.m. last night and even though i got some rest i still feel weak. up at 6:20 am trying to get in some more work before my big trip and now my laptop is giving trouble. yesterday i was talking to my clients about challenges and how they have to start problem solving and i know that is the same method i should employ now but i don't even have the mental strength right now. i think i am doing too much, let's just hope it doesn't cut out again.

there are no whys there is just a because. things happen because it is God's will and i have to learn to accept that.

i wonder how your morning is going......

anyways, back to work for me, it's been 5 mins and it hasn't cut out so i need to count my blessings and finish this newsletter by this morning.

i am an emotive person and while i cry when i am sad i also cry when i'm feeling joyful and at times for no reason at all :)

blindfolds (using your mind)

2008-05-13T03:16:00.001-04:00

inside
i could never look in a mirror again
and still think i'm beautiful

beautiful in mind and beautiful in kind
beautiful in skin and beautiful within
beautiful in soul and beautifully old
beautiful in living beautiful in giving.

i could have all the scars in the world
and sure bet i'd still think i was beautiful

beautiful in spirit and beautiful in lyric
beautiful with time and beautiful in rhyme
beautiful in speech and beautiful in peach
beautiful in any colour and beautiful like my mother

take me as i am
commas, colons and questions marks
i don't need no mirror to show me what is in my heart.
so..take me as i am.

and again, this fussing and fighting when we should be making love. is it me? it has to be me. i am convinced it is me and so i am ready to deal with the consequences. life is too beautiful to just let it fade away.

cause the gas prices going up, cost of living surging, people complaining and they bawling but hey i'm still living, i'm still eating and drinking, it's hard but i'm doing it the best i can cause i got those blessings that the preacher been talking 'bout and i want everyone to see too, the blessings within you.

prayers for all of the people around the world who are suffering right now, from the earthquake in china to the cyclone in Myanmar, to the aids epidemic in africa. we might not always know why but know that with God all will be well.

i am imperfect and it troubles me from time to time.

supernature

2008-05-06T12:02:00.001-04:00

God Disciple
come rain, come shine
come high tide or low
we together can move any mountain
and colour any rainbow

come wind, come storm
come hail, snow or sleet
you are my light in the day
the music in my heartbeat
the energy i need to be everything
and at night you watch over me
as i sleep.

thank you.

yesterday's service was the best funeral service i have ever been to and at one time i forgot where i was as it was more so a celebration of life! (not to mention the fact that it was at my church :) but everything from the presentation of the casket, the flowers, the leaflets (very touching) the hymns selected, man i could on, it was just a divine celebration of a beautiful woman who has touched so many lives. and Leslee, she is one strong woman. i know within myself i would never have the strength to stand up and speak on my mother and i just admire that. i am such a self-absorbed individual that i know i would be more focused on my grief than anything else. but i am mad proud of her :) much love to Lisa and Leslee though, besides it being a great celebration of life you're shoes were hawttttt!!!!

today is gonna be an awesome day, i can feel it. i am blessed and i am thankful for temptations that help keep me grounded and remind me to stay focused on the important things and people in my life.

i am a habitual line steppa.....

this is as real as i can get, never spoke on her before (never) but it's about forgiveness

2008-05-03T23:54:00.000-04:00

"and even when it felt like she stomped on my soul with the bottom of her sole, still i forgave her"

who would've ever thought she and i would be hmmmm "cordial" to say the least. i've always felt like, in the pit of my stomach that she was the devil, the Jezebel who tempted my man away from me, who was the architect of my demise, who was the reason for my depression. putting all the blame on her but only behind closed doors cause in a crowd i blamed him, but no one ever knew the truth in my heart. no one knew but me and that's a heavy weight to carry.

but i forgave her, it took me a long time, but i forgave her, i forgave him and i forgave myself cause i'd allowed myself to fall away, i too became a Jezebel type of lady and the things i did should shame me.....but i've finally learnt how to love me the way i want to be loved. it's me that had to set the example.

but it was hard cause i knew she would be sleeping in his bed, driving in his car, mingling with his family, the same family that loved me would suddenly forget me. and then it's like all of a sudden she's in my circle, liming the same places as me, talking to my friends and acquaintances sigh* even standing up next to me (what was that about????) it's like i couldn't escape. she was everywhere and i was suffocating.

then i thought vengeance was mine when i got with him for so long right under her nose but what did that make me? easy? skanky? and i guess it's because of what i did that drives my suspicions of the men i'm with, i guess that's why i can't trust in any of my relationships because i know what i was capable of.

at the end of the day when i come down on you i guess i am coming down on the me that didn't care. that lied, and used and other things i don't even want to think about. i guess i am projecting on you and that's not cool.

but even with these realizations i still don't feel like i can trust anybody. and now i'm always on guard. whenever my phone rings i'm like....karma catching up to me?

i never thought i would be able to look her in the face but now that i have i see, she's pretty and she's grown as well (cause i gotta admit at first she was hmmmm untamed) at the end of the day she has probably loved him in a way that i could never have and gosh does she have a forgiving heart. she's forgiven him for all of his sins and sins and sins (girl, you are either very strong or very weak) but i will not judge you and your forgiving heart. i can learn from you....

i guess that is the one thing she has taught me (informally) that nobody's perfect and you have to take the good with the bad.

truth be told however, i'm getting a lil tired of seeing her all the time :)

but hey, so it goes.....

sour times

2008-05-02T17:33:00.002-04:00

memories,
can't get them outta my head
like a ring of water on the bedstead
you rub at it and rub some more
but it seems as though the ring
has embedded itself into the core
of the mahogany.

i feel as if i have no privacy and i can't breathe. i wish i could scream!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

that is how i feel. i can't deal and i can't win so why on earth am i still running?

suffocating slowly

2008-04-29T16:47:00.000-04:00

my condolences to leslee, lisa and the entire Reynolds family....

i've always heard the only thing we can be sure of is death and taxes but sometimes (i think too often actually) i wonder on death. was reading the newspaper yesterday and learnt of this old woman who was burnt alive the previous night and i was just like damn. chaaaa, why? she lived to such an old age, surviving the changing environment, different governments, taxes, the rise in cost of living, some heartache i'm sure but then to spend her last mins alive burning???? things like that tend to rock my faith to be honest. i know i shouldn't dare question God but recently i've been questioning.

relationships are hard to begin with without others getting involved. i feel like i have no privacy and at this age this is just not how i pictured it. i am not a bad person but i feel like i am choking, suffocating and i can't breathe or come up for air. sigh* leave me alone!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

the devil is working i can feel it, must be the long wk-end that has freed up so much of his time but i refuse to let him get to me, i refuse to let him win. i gotta try to stay positive in rain and wind, i gotta let my light shine through, the only person i'm trying to reach is you and i really don't care what your father says. nuff said.

is?
is it the way you smile when i walk in the room?
is it the way you bring life to my spirit and soul?
it is the way you take control of my mood and shift me to a brighter attitude?

is it you?

is it you that wakes me up in the morning to live a new day?
is it you that challenges me and takes me to higher planes?
is it you that listens and never gets tired of my complaints?

is it you?

that has the power to move hills and mountains?
that commands the waters that run in rivers and fountains?
that gives life to every living thing and living being?
that i believe in though i've never seen?

ye it must be..

the God of the valley
the bright and morning star
you are everywhere and in everything
giving me the spiritual energy to bring joy to my sadness
and hope to my wavering, wandering being.

thank you.

say (they got so much things to)

2008-04-27T04:24:00.001-04:00

He's...
his rhythm is poetry
he dances to acid jazz
his words are the grains of sand in our memories hourglass

he's my atlas in the confusion and strife
he reflects all that is good with his light
he's in the music of my life, gives me strength to fight, he's in the words that i write.

he's my hip hop in the day
and my neo-soul at night.

thank you.

how is it that i recognize that i am such an imperfect being and yet fail to understand your imperfections? i think i need to work on me. i'm not all that i brag to be. maybe.

memories will always connect us to our past. i wish i could forget some of mine....

graduation ceremony was really nice today, i am surprised at how much i enjoyed it actually. but i must chastise myself for not being more prepared when called upon to give a report on my anger management group i was the only one without a prepared speech (i hope my boss wasn't disappointed in me) and i feel badly about that. next time i'll know and next time i will definitely play a bigger role in the ceremony. i saw some areas where i could've given more of myself.

i'm in it to win it, tired of second place, ain't come this far to just place or fall away. word.

long wk-end so i think i'l finally try to finish this newsletter, tend to the animals and just relax....

thank you for life and all its blessings :)

maaga out!

no earthquake can move my mountain - Renata

2008-04-25T23:30:00.000-04:00

roads....(excerpts from my latest song)
(chorus)
don't ignore the signs
what you feel inside
your soul knows
when the devil is on patrol....

(verse 1)
you can feel it in your fingertips
at the edge of your soles
something just ain't sitting right with your soul
you find yourself...snooping doing things
you won't normally do the devil is hard at work inside you
deceiving your own self obscuring the view.

thank you (album dropping in spring 2009 holla!)

the devil was busy at work today within me. but i said a prayer and i left it with Him, God will handle it from here. i must always remember what is to be will be with or without me. nuff said.

Wednesday was the last session of anger management group sniff* sniff* i'm gonna miss my boys but i hope i have equipped them with the tools necessary to live less violent lives. go on to be warriors of peace!

long wk-end and after 2 p.m. tomorrow i'll be freeeeeeeeeeeeee!!!!!!!

an old friend visited me yesterday and strangely enough it wasn't as awkward as i thought it would be.

i am thankful for the ups, the downs and the in-betweens. i am a human being, i am imperfect but i sure do love myself.

p.s. - accepting pre-orders for the yet untitled album :)

now back to my list!!!!

music is my soul singing...

2008-04-24T23:42:00.000-04:00

ok so i was tubing last night and chanced upon this blogpage that i am just loving, (http://songsinthekeyoflife.wordpress.com/2008/03/04/brotha/) the thoughts and theories are moving and i got a lil inspiration.

now as i always say music is my soul singing simply because i love love music for every earth shattering, every mountain every battle and joy in my life music was right there with me, inside me, feeding me, breathing for me when i'd run outta breath so it's only fitting that i, once and for all and against my better judgment try to name my top 50 favourite songs and just the challenge to do this is already giving me goose bumps cause i really do have a truck load of music but hmmm i think one of the first things i'll do is i'll go to my itunes and chk out the tracks i listen to the most (isn't itunes just amazing?) ok, so here goes and in no particular order may i add.......

Vanya's top 50 songs in random order (a mixture of trip hop, jazz, r&B, reggae and some other genres)

1. Rome Wasn't Built in a Day - Morcheeba (everything they do i love love love. nearly collected all of their albums, even when switching lead vocalists the sound is still golden)

2. Zimbabwe - Bob Marley (we all know bob was a great man and has to be in everybody's playlist. i love every last one of his songs)

3. In the Waiting Line - Zero 7 (and i could list about 5 more. their music just moves me, the beats are nice)

4. Heard it Through the Grapevine - Marvin Gaye (he is one of my fav soul brothas and his songs are the songs my dad likes to talk about, talkin bout grown folk music)

5. The Sweetest Thing - Lauryn Hill (she does not have a song that i don't like and i have all her albums so listing all of her songs would take up my entire list so just note that she is def in my top 5 artistes of all time!!!!)

6. Human Nature - Madonna (she is an icon, nuff said)

7. This Love - Craig Armstrong and Elizabeth Fraser (has sentiment. i actually haven't listened to this one in a while as it usually sends chills to the bone)

8. Is it a Crime? - Sade (if you haven't heard it listen to it. it's hawwtttttt!!!! her voice her music, from no ordinary love, to king of sorrow to tattoo, just awesome. she will always be in my top 5 as well)

9. Jealous - Sinead O'Connor (the lyrics to that song spoke to me back in 2001. how accurate they were and i'd only ever heard no one compares but she has an arsenal of music that is inspiring. she is def underrated but much love from your number 1 fan!)

10. Bag Lady - Erykah Badu (the long version of course, i think it was the beat of this that first caught me then the lyrics. to me it's like chill music)

11. Just Friends - Musiq (is it wak that when this came out i sat and learnt all the words? the hook is crazy wicked)

12. You Give Me Something - Jamiroquai (i love everything by him as well but this is my fav. sigh* this is harder than i thought)

13. Dig - Incubus (i fell in love with the music video then the song. it appeals to me when i am depressed. http://youtube.com/watch?v=j9l17XR74Ts)

14. Gotta Get Through This - Daniel Beddingfield (hot dance track. i used to play this over and over back in my sad days to will myself out of a deep hole, lol)

15. Getting in the Way - Jill Scott ('sista girl' ha! classic. she is the lyricist from whom i get most of my poetic inspiration)

16. Another Lonely Day - Ben Harper (i've always been accused of only listening to depressing music but i just like slow melancholy music. it relaxes me)

17. Warning Sign/The Hardest Part - Coldplay (sorry i just can't pick and all of their albums were hot hot, got the chance to see them in concert a time and it was one of the best nights of my life, holla!)

18. It Will Be Quiet - Meklit Hadero (and i only met her in January and already according to my itunes i have listened to this song 56 times)

19. Cruisin' - Smokey Robinson (make love music http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=J_KKyw8V-l0 nuff said)

20. I Believe - Blessed Union of Souls (lyrically sweet)

21. The Weakness in Me - Joan Armatrading (10 things i hate about soundtrack, chaaa memories)

22. Everything I Am/ Heard Em Say/All Falls Down - Kanye West (honestly i couldn't chose. love everything he does....)

23. Fortunate - Maxwell (he's sexy!)

24. It Ain't Over till it's Over - Lenny Kravtiz (he has quite a few that i like)

25. Me, Myself and I - Beyonce (how much do i love her, she is hawt and then some. go on girl with ya bad self!)

26. Show Me - John Legend (he could show me some things i sure wouldn't mind)

27. 2 the Sky - Robin Thicke (his last album was really really dope!)

28. I Need You - Alicia Keys (like the deserts need the rain, i have listened to her last album so many times now the cd is skipping)

29. Get By - Talib Kweli

30. One More Night - Phil Collins (influenced by my dad)

31. I'd Rather Be Alone - Karyn White

32. Vision of Love - Mariah Carey

33. Untitled (How Does It Feel?)/Lady - D'Angelo (come back, you're missed!)

34. Where Ever You Are - Terry Ellis

35. If You Love Me (Say it) - Brownstone

36. Hell Bent - Kenna (so talented, take a listen!)

37.

work in progress

feeling awesome

2008-04-24T03:02:00.001-04:00

he stood up for me, wow! i feel good.

i want to grow old with everyone i love

2008-04-23T15:54:00.002-04:00

i never realized how much hard work goes into starting your own business, sigh. i had plans of getting things off the ground in may but a wise person told me that you don't get a second chance at a first impression and if i don't feel confidant with what i present then it's best to just wait till i am sure of what i have. hmmmm, so inasmuch as i'm a lil disappointed i will wait it out. this way i can probably source some materials from NY. still mad excited though!

yo! Christianity ain' easy. i guess at this stage i can say i am a trying Christian and i know that is bad to say but at least i'm honest. sometimes my body has these burning desires that drive me crazy. should i act on them what should i do? it feels like they're consuming me. there when i go to sleep, as soon as i wake up, when i'm in the shower, eating, wherever it's crazy!

hmmm, men ain't easy. some might say i'm a lil too strict when it comes to relationships but i feel like i've paid my dues and i deserve to be treated with respect ain't? why is it so hard for men to commit fully, why must men keep in touch with their exes? there are certain things that i just don't like and am not comfortable with. and i can be accused of being jealous envious i don't care. i know that is not the case it's simply about closure and not jeopardizing what you have. i wouldn't do that to you so don't do it to me. if the ones from before only knew i'm not too sure they would be accepting your calls. nuff said.

you're too good to him
you totally spoil him
you give him everything
that's why he be actin' the way he's actin'
but...shouldn't i treat my man like a King?
shouldn't i nurture and respect him?
why am i made to feel like a bounded slave
why are my inner desires encaved?
i'm hungry for something
hungry for your empathy
hungry for your sympathy
hungry for your respect
haven't i totally exceeded your ex-pec-ta-tions?

if i am guilty i will pay

2008-04-21T14:31:00.000-04:00

what is this obsession with happiness? if i had a bill for every time someone questions me on happiness i'd be mad rich. now don't get me wrong, i too am seeking but i feel like there's pressure on me. every single day...are you happy? are you happy? but hey...are you?

so far today i've managed my time pretty well. here on a coffee break but i won't break too long there is work to be done and by the grace of God i will get through.

blessings....

note to self cut down on the coffee.

i hope you dance.

2008-04-21T02:47:00.001-04:00

Underneath this spotted mahogany skin
there is a soulful woman living
within.

Ye i got my perm, sometimes wear it in a curl
but on the inside, i am, at heart
an all natural girl.

Ya see, I’ve come a long way from where I’ve been
Seen some things a girl like me shun’t ever had seen
But I got back my pride still I love my humble pie
When you look in these brown eyes
These honest eyes, no lies
The only thing that lies within me
Is he in I and I as one with HE
And we are.

thank you.

i had a great wk-end.
reggae on the beach was really nice, it's the first time i've been in the island for the reggae fest and at first i was a lil skeptical but i'm glad i didn't listen to anyone's opinion. i went out for myself and i had a fab time.

work this wk and my aim is to manage my time better. i know i can.

hoping for positive change. can you hear me?

i miss solitude but i am thankful for you and i'm glad i surrounded myself with good people this wk-end.
peace.

i know i can. (be what i wanna be)

2008-04-18T12:48:00.002-04:00

i wish i had telepathy
then i could transport the thoughts i have of you
and you would come to understand
what it's like for a woman to love a man.

thank you.

it's friday and i'm in a positive mood, i won't let anything today change my attitude cause i ain't stressed and i sure am blessed!

i am still having problems with time management, how is it that i am such a lazy individual, i lose focus so so easily and it's starting to cause problems. still ain't finish the newsletter yet but you know what...today i will!!!!

so last night i threw a surprise anniversary dinner for my dad and his wife seeing they've been married for 15 years and it was going great but then she said something that was like a knife to the chest, she kept saying over and over 'you imagine that i have been with you now for over 30 yrs?" you realize i've been you now for over 30 yrs?" on and on and then by the 4th time i was like, wait, holdup?!?!?!?!?!?!?! how is it that you guys have been together for over 30 yrs and i am only 27? does that mean my dad was messing with her when he had my mother???? sigh* needless to say i got a lil depressed at that thought. MEN%^&*@# anyways, i won't even question it cause i don't want to know the answer furthermore i don't want to know the answer and have that knowledge then i would start wondering if i should tell my mother and blah blah. so i will try to put it out of my mind.

speaking of my mother, we had a realllll good laugh this week at somewhat of a dirty joke but not really but that just goes to show the depth of her sense of humour, she is one hilarious woman and you know those kinda laughs where it is so loud and brawling that you make funny sounds and your face gets distorted well that is how we laughed for like 2 mins, water even came to my eyes lololol. she is just the best, da bomb!!!!

i came up with another name for my second business last night and i am somewhat more excited about this one, excited, nervous, anxious scared, happy you name it. if it is to be it will be but that won't stop me from praying and praying hard that i get it off the ground soon. it's about time i became more that i am.

think i might take in a lil poetic inspiration this wk-end. that might help.

sometimes just knowing is enough. nuff said.

i am sending love, so much love to all my family, friends, animals, workmates, clients and students, people i chance upon, people i don't know, people i want to know, everyone. stay up!

it's only a mountain

2008-04-17T02:41:00.000-04:00

thank you india
thank you providence
thank you disillusionment
thank you nothingness
thank you clarity
thank you thank you silence

Alanis Morissette

i just don't know how to finish this newsletter sigh* and it's getting me down cause i know the director is gonna call me up and ask me questions i can't answer sigh*

i had a very educational day. attended an HIV fair at BCC and i learnt a whole heap of stuff that i never knew and some of the plays were really good, though i thought some veered off from the topic at hand by wanting more to evoke laughter but overall it was a commendable effort. there is a lot of young talent in barbados.

brass tacks has been hot all week especially since the prime ministers' address but i mean come on people, do you really expect gas prices to go up all over the world and we go untouched? well, if i thought cost of living was high i guess i ain't see nothing yet. now i started listening to 'tell it like it is' as well and that's pretty good. some of the theories i hear sometimes totally baffle me but everyone is entitled to their own opinion i guess...good stuff though.

you know those moods where you don't feel to see anyone or talk to anyone or interact? well i'm in one of those moods.

went to this place called Taboo two sundays ago to support my friend russell and others for an event they were holding. now i absolutely love supporting my friends in what ever event they have all down to the 'pick up trash day' events but i think i need to be a tad picky in the future. i guess as partying is so not my thing anymore it was suffocatingly hard for me to fit in, to dance (mind you back in the day i used to wine till the sun came up) but now sigh* let's just say it's been a longggggggggg time since i 'wuk-up' lol, am i getting too boring? i found the whole scene yawnful to say the least but i did move a bit to machel.....my weak spot revealed. i would love to attend a good old soca party though and hear early early machel like big truck, early alison and the like, ras iley, plastic bag you name it. now THAT would be my kinda jam.....

went to a play sunday night now that is my kinda jam right there, interesting title 'for colored girls who contemplate suicide when a rainbow is enough" beautiful cast, beautiful women, i loved it from start to finish. i wish i had more plays to go to, i guess this is one of those times i miss NY but don't get me wrong i LOVE barbados and this is where i wanna be ..... for now....

guitar tomorrow but i'm not in the mood to see anyone

i wonder what Fay is doing right this minute.....soon forward

once a label is on something it becomes an it.

2008-04-15T03:41:00.000-04:00

black Jezebel
have i seen your face before?
you must be the she-devil
that wanders around in my subconscious
planting seeds in my garden of mistrust.
but nothing grows
for my earth knows
when not to sow
black Jezebel
with your seductive smells
every man's eyes peeled to your coke bottle shell
but everyone is hiding something and so are you
i wonder what you're up to?

thank you.

it's official, my dog jouvais has an identity crisis sigh* granted just by looking at her you can tell that she's a female still she has a lot of male tendencies....i mean how many female dogs pee with their legs raised??? it's so strange and odd and everything that describes weirdness.

i don't know where i would be without my Cetaphil SPF 15 daily moisturizer, seriously, it gives me this glow!

just got home and i'm not even sleepy sigh*

if he cheated with you he will cheat on you. nuff said.

seriously $330 for some x-rays and cataflam for a good old sprained ankle? seriously?

Mocha has so much character already i'm in love with him already.

i've been having some bad dreams recently, what is going on in my subconscious...i've been trying to ignore them but sometimes i feel so nervous when i get ready for bed, it's like i'm asking myself 'what dream will it be tonight?" what dream will i have that will be so disturbing that i stay awake just to avoid seeing it. i need to consult my dream book.

i can hear tosh crying but i am so tired i don't feel like going outside... i hope he stops soon sigh*
i love my animals, they bring peace and calm to my crazy days and they love me unconditionally...

thank you for strength....

woman within

2008-04-11T14:58:00.000-04:00

Dear GOD,
i am weak, i am humble, i am wide open. open and willing. open to receive your many blessings and ministry and wiling to make the sacrifices necessary to be a good servant. but i must confess that i am also weak. i pray for strength in the hard times and in the face of adversity. i know if you brought me to it you will see me through it and i pray to be mindful of that phrase whenever my spirit weakens. so today i am humbly praying for strength through you, this is my prayer to you, from your humble narrator.

Amen.

should i feel guilty because i am a quiet Christian? i must admit that i am not as involved in the church as i was in my childhood and teenage years whereas now i am just a member of the congregation but i also love my position. recently, i've been invited to be more involved in the church but i turned it down. right now i feel as if my plate is very full with work and other extra-curricular activities so i don't feel i would be capable of fully committing. that being said why then, do i feel so guilty? so badly? as if i am doing something wrong. i enjoy church just as much as everyone else but is there more i should be doing? i will pray for guidance.

i am blessed and a lil stressed right now but hey no one said it would be easy, who am i to demand a free ride? i just need to keep believing in myself even when i feel like i can't understand or have control over what is going on around me, over the people who are supposed to be close to me but somehow don't place my existence in high value. i have the peace of mind to get me through and i know i am strong, i have to believe i am strong if not my weakness will consume me. i know i can be more than i can possibly envision but no one will believe me until i believe in me.

i got my new pup yesterday, he is so adorable i decided to name him Mocha......

thank you for another week of work, family, friends and acquaintances.

i don't even know what to say just in awe of my fatigue

2008-04-10T03:06:00.000-04:00

i am actually sleepy :)

thank you for baggy eyes and endless yawns...i'm going to sleep

time for me to shine.....

2008-04-09T17:18:00.000-04:00

Blessings......
i am lying on the sand
listening to the waves as they crash against the shore
lost in thought letting my mind drift
losing myself in the sounds of the beauty that is around me
i can never understand what it took to make such a beautiful world
i can never fathom the artistry yet i an ever amazed
and i sit quietly and let my thoughts take me
on yet another spiritual journey
i am blessed.
Yes!!!

thank you.

my dad was 63 yesterday, boy is he old. thank you Lord for granting him such longevity and i wish him many more years or success, health and happiness.

today i feel strange.

so i am in smoothie heaven! i will no longer be giving cafe moya my $8, nope, no way. i have sourced their sources and now i get the product directly from them ha! this morning i made my first banana berry and it was awesome, all now i'm still full. holla!

i've been working so hard and not getting any sleep. picking back up my old habits, last night i was up in bed just staring at the ceiling, wrote a bit, listened to music, thought some more. chaaaa, now today i'm so tired.

i've been thinking about some things i shouldn't be thinking about sigh* my mind my mind.

thank you for the strength to get up this morning when i know i could've used like 4 more hours.

Seek ye first the Kingdom of God and his Righteousness......

2008-04-07T16:50:00.000-04:00

Jesus.....
you knew me before my time
you molded a beautiful mind
i come to you a sinner and ashamed
yet i feel glorified when i hear your name.....Jesus!

thank you for your example....

yesterday's church service was the best one i've had since i moved back, wait no, ah lie, the service i had on my b'day was pretty great but then again it was a visiting minister at my church not even my home minister and then yesterday i went to St. Matthias so there i am faced again with getting the spiritual food i need from people who are not from my church sigh* (oh woe is me) and i can't say i'm a big Anglican person but that church was da bomb! i thoroughly enjoyed the service, it was so interactive and real man, i miss churches like that! reminded me a bit of NY at least on the inspirational level, i would love to make that my home church but chaaa it's so far and then my mum might feel a way that we aren't ministering together so that's another issue but it has given me the soul power i need for this week. i even wrote a verse whilst in church (i know that's bad) but it inspired me. pity i left it home but i'll probably upload it later.

http://www.cnn.com/2008/US/04/06/mlk.role.church/index.html

Kevin sent me this link and i found it rather interesting, i've been reading a lot recently about prosperity preachers and how they have been leading people astray with their "successful living"theory as the way to God, neglecting to mention that Christians suffer as well. i will just upload the correspondence we had after reading this article.

On 4/6/08 3:44 PM, "Vanya " wrote:

this was a good article thanks for sharing.

i think a lot boils down to what people think "living the best life they can" is as we mostly hear that once u do good u will get good, that was always a motivation for me. it would be hard for people to understand that being a Christian also means that there may be suffering as well plus a lot of poor people who make up like half of jakes' congregation don't want to hear that even though they're poor now the possibility exists that they may spend the rest of their lives being poor even though they are Christians. especially living in the USA where there is so much ugliness around, ppl tend to want something positive to hold onto i guess.

what is your view of priests and the like, living luxurious lives? (cars, big house, brand name clothes)

Dear Vanya,
The thing about the prosperity message is that if you teach it according the bible, it’s short, concise and maybe too simple for people to accept. From the book of Matthew the scripture reads

“25"Therefore I tell you, do not worry about your life, what you will eat or drink; or about your body, what you will wear. Is not life more important than food, and the body more important than clothes? 26Look at the birds of the air; they do not sow or reap or store away in barns, and yet your heavenly Father feeds them. Are you not much more valuable than they? 27Who of you by worrying can add a single hour to his life?
28"And why do you worry about clothes? See how the lilies of the field grow. They do not labor or spin. 29Yet I tell you that not even Solomon in all his splendor was dressed like one of these. 30If that is how God clothes the grass of the field, which is here today and tomorrow is thrown into the fire, will he not much more clothe you, O you of little faith? 31So do not worry, saying, 'What shall we eat?' or 'What shall we drink?' or 'What shall we wear?' 32For the pagans run after all these things, and your heavenly Father knows that you need them. 33But seek first his kingdom and his righteousness, and all these things will be given to you as well. 34Therefore do not worry about tomorrow, for tomorrow will worry about itself. Each day has enough trouble of its own.”

If you read that and understand it, that’s it in a nutshell. The error with the prosperity gospel is that it makes “successful living” the motive for coming to Christ. This is a deception for we are to come to Christ because we recognize we are sinners who need to repent and seek God’s mercy that is made available through the blood atonement of this same Jesus Christ. I can tell you that historically, many of the early Christians were persecuted, lived in poverty and even beheaded and executed. According to the standard these prosperity preachers are using today, these people lived very unsuccessful lives. I remember there is a verse, I can’t quite remember where it is in the bible but it talks about Paul and Barnabas receiving lashes for having preached the gospel when forbidden to do so. After that they actually rejoiced for having suffered for the sake of the kingdom. Besides that they were homeless for a while and were in jail as well. In fact Paul, I think died in jail, beheaded by the Roman emperor Nero.

Now being a Christian doesn’t mean god will not bless you and you’re destined to live a life of suffering. He will bless you according to his will, in his time and in his own way. It may not be riches, it may be, it may not be infamy, it may be...you don’t know. What you do know is that if you seek him first and his righteousness then everything else that you need for this temporal life will be given to you. But it’s nothing compared to what you will receive in the life here after and that is what we Christians are looking for. “A city not made by man but whose architect and builder is God.”

With that I leave you with scripture. From Philippians chapter 3:

“7But whatever was to my profit I now consider loss for the sake of Christ. 8What is more, I consider everything a loss compared to the surpassing greatness of knowing Christ Jesus my Lord, for whose sake I have lost all things. I consider them rubbish, that I may gain Christ 9and be found in him, not having a righteousness of my own that comes from the law, but that which is through faith in Christ—the righteousness that comes from God and is by faith. 10I want to know Christ and the power of his resurrection and the fellowship of sharing in his sufferings, becoming like him in his death, 11and so, somehow, to attain to the resurrection from the dead.

12Not that I have already obtained all this, or have already been made perfect, but I press on to take hold of that for which Christ Jesus took hold of me. 13Brothers, I do not consider myself yet to have taken hold of it. But one thing I do: Forgetting what is behind and straining toward what is ahead, 14I press on toward the goal to win the prize for which God has called me heavenward in Christ Jesus.”

Regards

i have to share this article with some of my friends and see what opinions i get. i wonder what lars would say?

i will not mention you when the reckoning comes

2008-04-04T14:42:00.000-04:00

Growth.....
i am learning that sometimes i have to make mistakes over and over before i truly learn the lesson.

i am learning that no matter how hard i try people will only change when they want to.

i am learning to see the good in people where i didn't think any good exists. i am learning it is there i just need to be patient.

i am learning that it is ok to quarrel sometimes, clear the air so to speak. i've always heard it's better out than in. (austin powers)

i am learning that in order for me to find a good man i have to start by being a good woman.

i am learning that is it never too late to turn to God.

i am learning that it's ok to give without getting. (that was hard)

i am learning that i should always follow my dreams and not get caught up in others' dreams as i might never accomplish my own.

i am learning that no matter how genuine you are nor how you present yourself to people they will only see the wrong you did. and i am learning not to care.

i am learning that you can show people sides of you and they can use those sides against you and when you start showing them nothing they're still not satisfied damn! so i am learning to just accept who i am and that i won't be liked by all but that i already am blessed with good people in my life and that should be enough.

i am learning not to hold onto pain so strongly. let it go, let God and live!

i am learning to forgive slowly but surely.

thank you. (for now.....)

it's friday!!!!! holla!!!!! thank goodness, i am so pooped it ain't funny. i am really looking forward to sunday cause i have work all day tomorrow :( how crazy is that but i gotta be thankful for my j-o-b.

april will be my month of soul. i'm gonna connect to soul sistas, soul brothas, soul mamas and papas. imma spread my soul seeds so far that i'll go st. lucy n see some of my soul there....liming. ow!

i got my new tree last night and she is beautiful, i wonder how long it takes for an almond tree to grow and i really hope the dogs don't dig it up, oh please don't dig her up she is just too beautiful, i think i will name her Tallulah.

so i said i'd name the new dog milo but now i'm hearing that's too common a dog name blah blah so it's back to the drawing board hmmm......

i still need to work on my time management or request a cut down on the amount of work i am given, i find that i have loads of work and then when i'm home i'm working too or at least thinking about work, that's just crazy yo! i gotta keep myself in check more.

the world is made up of so many different people, different personalities and different backgrounds. in my past i used to be so snobbish and i looked down on people a lot. when i think back to those days i feel so ashamed. who was i to judge. now i have a more open mind the ways of my past still haunt me sometimes. but i will not give up. life is a journey and i'm committed to seeing it through till the end.

my music sustains me when you don't. nuff said.

life is so short and we take so many things for granted. i don't wanna start living everyday like it's my last but i want to continue to grow as i age and i can only ask to grow old with the people i love.

God Bless.

misunderstood (we are)

2008-04-03T21:29:00.001-04:00

"Baba Says Cool For Thought"
They thought it was cool to burn crosses on your front lawn as they hung you from trees in your backyard
They thought it was cool to leave you thirsty and stranded, Katrina!
He thought it was cool to carry a gun in his classroom and open fire, Virginia Tech, Columbine Stop the violence!
They thought it was cool to tear down the projects and put up million dollar condos, Gentrification
They think it's cool to stand on the block hiding product in their socks to make quick dime bag dollars
They think it's cool to ride down on you in blue and white unmarked cars busting you upside your head
Freeze...
'Cause the problem is we think it's cool too
Check your ingredients before you overdose, on The Cool...

by Iesha Jaco

i have this hunger, this burning, what is it on my mind? you would think it wasn't me, that they weren't my thoughts. yet somehow, they are elusive to even me. i haven't written a verse in long, working on my album but i think i need a lil poetic break. word.

today was a better day than yesterday. thank you for not sinking any further.

people only show you what they want you to see. nuff said.

work this wk-end sigh* i feel like i've been going and going not stopping and i'm a lil tired, mentally drained, whatever you wanna call it. i could use a wk in the Bahamas or sum.....i'm really looking forward to my trip. i could use a lil cold on my bones, it's hot in Barbados!

angie stone is going to be at st. lucia jazz and i can't go AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!!!!!!!!
i feel a lil better now. i know she will give a good show!

seriously if i hear that chris brown song one more time i am gonna scream, would you believe my mother even has it as her ring tone. my mother who doesn't even no how to send a text ot change from ring to vibrate. who doesn't even know how to turn off her cell phone??????????? i blame lana. lol. but seriously i am way tired of that song and to me the beginning sounds like "irreplaceable" by beyonce. but hey, that's just me.

kanye's new stage is awesome, damn! i should be there, i can only hope i catch him when i travel, he's da bomb!

i am learning, learning how to come out on top, learning that i am who i am and that's a blessing, learning that i don't need you or anyone to validate my mind or my thoughts. i am learning that there is good in everyone. even if we don't get along there's good in you, i have to believe that in order for us to co-exist.

thank you for constantly testing me, i am growing stronger through you.

she could've been....

2008-04-02T14:01:00.000-04:00

Endings...
is this really the end
or is your life now beginning?
i've heard rumours about heaven
and i could only imagine your vision -
as you open your eyes
and behold God in all his majesty
the sadness that weighed down your heart now lifted
even shifted as you can look down now on your beautiful family
and be the guardian angel over their paths forever.
smile at this blessing and we will too at your memory......

thank you for being part of my schools days.

i knew Tonya..

i can't say we were bosom buddies but we went to school together she was a star athlete and me a lowly cheerleader but still i remember cheering her on. she was always big in size and i think that's what made her stand out cause regardless of her size she moved fast! really fast.

and her heart was just as big, very bubbly and kind-hearted. i have never heard anyone utter a bad word about her. so it goes, when you leave school you usually leave people behind, lose contacts, the usual but she came back to my memory when i saw her graduate from law school last yr i was like wow! i'd checked the newspaper to see some of my friends (who called me incessantly to make sure i read the advocate) but there i saw Tonya as well. i was like wow! made me feel proud to see so many combermerians and to see an old pal from school doing well.

then my mother asked me on sunday if i knew the girl that died......i was like a girl died? how old? she goes she was 24 so i'm like oh, i didn't know many of the lower school students (there's my damn ego again sigh*) but she started to give me some details, i was like hmmmm, was she an athlete? she couldn't say. was she a lawyer? again couldn't say. so i mourned the loss of a young combermerian and went no further.

saw a few missed calls on my phone yesterday from my mother but i just hate cell phones to be honest so i said i'd call her back when i got to a land line. finally she got through to me as i was worried by the 3rd call that it was something serious and she told me yes, she was an athlete. and it was then my heart sank. somehow, even though there were a plethora of athletes i knew her age, i just knew it was her.

i am still in shock. i just can't believe it. why? she was so talented and i admired the fact that she stayed with the same person for so long, she started a family young but still managed to balance a career as well and therefore securing a strong future for her family. i mean how many people her age can say they've accomplished that. it was her heart that ultimately took her life. it was probably over-flowing with all the goodness, good friends and good deeds she'd accomplished over her short 24 years. and today i feel a sense of over-whelming sadness, i do. gone too soon.

i will keep her family in my prayers. i pray that those beautiful girls grow up and learn about how strong and determined their mother was. how much she loved them and did all she could for them to be here and how she ultimately sacrificed her life for theirs.

she will truly be missed and my one regret right now is that i didn't check up on this news earlier and because of my laziness i missed the funeral, i missed the chance to say good-bye to an old school mate. i will never act so slowly again.

God Bless her as i know she is up there with you.

Tonya Shantelle Nicole Howard
Sunrise: January 7th, 1984
Sunset: March 25th, 2008

you will always be remembered......

i get it.

2008-04-01T02:12:00.000-04:00

Thank you.....
People come into your life, some seasons
With or without reasons….lifetimes
Feels like a new day since you’ve been in mine
And I am thankful, I am grateful
for the love that we’ve made
the mistakes too i guess we grow when we want to
i'm thankful for the ups and downs
the trials and the victories too
but most of all, i am thankful for you....

so, thank you.

today was a challenge but i have finally broken free. i feel happy to be here to be alive and to give. i mean seriously, why not, i ain't busy.

thankful for work and for giving my all even when i am sleepy and ain't had my first cup of coffee. seriously, i need to stop.

and i'm thankful for the different experiences i have everyday, granted sometimes i feel like i am a walking soap opera nonetheless everything leads me back to you, to God, so...thank you.

more times....

waiting for my 'exhale' moment

2008-03-30T00:02:00.000-04:00

" If you're searching for a place you know,
a familiar face, somewhere to go
You should look inside yourself
You're halfway there

Sometimes you'll laugh
Sometimes you'll cry
Life never tells us, the when's or why's"

Whitney Houston

sometimes you make me feel so poor. the things that i hold as the riches of life seem not to matter to you (you know those boring things like fearing God, respect, unconditional love, honesty). don't get caught sacrificing your soul and dignity for money, for inheritance. cause the richest man could have the sickest soul and end up alone.

i am waiting for my exhale moment, to just breathe and breathe easy, sometimes i feel so empty, but only emotionally cause i know i am rich in spirit and intellectualism and i love it and i love myself.

i need to get my business off the ground, it's so easy to get caught up in other people's dreams....it's time i started living my dreams and seeing them through. i got dreams and ideas come through the seams. so imma do me!

thank you for individualism.......

Joy Division (finish strong!)

2008-03-28T16:29:00.000-04:00

REFRAIN......
all the riches in the world
all the diamonds and the pearls
all the 'bling bling' don't mean a thing
if you ain't got God dwelling.....
big house, cars and money ain't the way to my heart
Brotha, you gotta come mo'betta, fresha', most deafa'
let the rhythm get ya......(haha)
you gotta woo me with a honest soul
a boatload of monogamy and an arsenal of modesty
R-E-S-P-E-C-T like sista Aretha
Brotha, you gotta be sexy spiritual, teasing intellectual
and a bellyful of wonderful.....then we could spar
get it star?

thank you....

we made it oh joy, thank you for life and it's amenities.

i am looking forward to a productive and balanced week-end, spending time with you but on my turf, had to flip the script and turn the page on this drama.

i don't know who this woman is but did i hear my mother mention getting another dog? what would that be 4? granted nicky spends all of her time elsewhere but still, crazy yo! what will i name this one?

i am proud of my students from Welches primary, they are so talented and gifted man, i hope they realize the gifts they've been given and USE them, how i hope they'd use them, don't waste them, they're those who don't have.

on my way to a meeting now......thank you for the courage to write my feelings no matter who is listening. i'm not ashamed and i'm only human. beautifully imperfect and i love it.

more times.....

i'm nobody's girl but somebody's WOMAN

2008-03-28T03:25:00.000-04:00

Beginnings....
let's go back to the beginning
just friends, depending on each other as friends do
non-judgmental, easy, before things got crazy
and we crashed into something
let's go back to the start
when it was smooth as jazz, as poetic as the guitar
mellow as the saxophone and powerful as the trombone
and we were uncomplicated.

thank you....

had a nice walk with the dogs today, note to self do not walk alone with an ipod on lonely streets. anybody could grab me oh loss, no bosie.

i've made a few changes to my goals for 2008. i want to make more contributions to my home. i have lagged a bit since i been back and my one dream would be to have the capacity to help my mother complete her dream house, after all this time it's not finished. but i admire her though, she's doing it alone (well with help from me where i can) and she hasn't given up as yet. she's my rock and a living example. and she's beautiful.

i am a superwoman and i love God. nuff said.

God is waiting for you (me too) what are you waiting for? in the beginning you sang another tune, now, i'm not sure i know you. the lures of the world can trap you, gotta stay strong and elevate your mind above the material....

i need a new muse. something/someone who can take me higher. how i miss camesha. been hearing some lyrical birds down here man, wow, good stuff. gotta keep my ears to the ground for more. i like it hardcore. maybe someday i'll wax poetic outside of my comfort zone.

i am thankful for feeling better today than i did yesterday.....

it's all about the kick/push

2008-03-27T03:20:00.000-04:00

“I’m a new soul, I came to this strange world hoping I could learn a bit about how to give and take. But since I came here felt the joy and the fear, finding myself making every possible mistake.” - Yael Naim

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=tYBLjEaDFDE

Mac ads rule!!!!!!!
besides the fact that i just love that song the words make sense to me. i've always been a taker, a taker and a leaver. one of the hardest things i ever had to do was to become a giver, an unconditional giver. giving even when i know sometimes it's in vain. i ask myself a lot, why me? why now? why? but why not me? if not now when? why not? i can never learn by sitting on the sidelines. gotta get in the game and participate.

just when i think i'm making progress reality comes to slow me down, why do i let the words of ignorant people affect me. the push effect. sigh* the push effect. words are just words, insults are taken and not given. i need to stop giving words power. i know who i am, i believe in myself and i will weather the storm, with or without you.

i was so sick today, had to leave work early, i don't understand why. what did i eat last night again? note to self, cut down on the late night snacks.

that girl from the flashing lights music video...wa wow! her body is sick wicked, from here on out i will try to get as bodied as she is, i mean seriously, it's wicked.

i am so thankful for the strength to get past my stomach flu, yes i did not get to be as productive as i would've liked to be today and yes i missed group but i won't let that get in the way of my goal of having a great week. i have a few more days to go and nothing is gonna stop me.

i forgot to feed the dogs today, shameful.

something is off, i can sense it. do i care to find out? i think i will just let life take it's course. nuff said.

i am thankful for mornings....

knowing is growing

2008-03-26T03:10:00.000-04:00

YOU....

Love is you in the morning looking back at me
giving me the strength to be all i envision spiritually
Love is you in the harmony of this melody
Love is you speaking to me with you heart,
I can hear every beat in the music of my feet.
And I wanna dance, I wanna shout, I wanna let everyone know what this good feeling in my soul is all about. It’s about the God in my heart and the love that pumps breaths into me, it’s about you.

It’s about you....thank you.

i finally finished the album i started back in 2004 phew! now all i have to tackle is world peace.

i had such a beautiful day today, my students were excellent, my clients were talkative and willing and work was just fine. i am blessed with so many ummm, blessings that sometimes i just can't find the words to say :)

what goes around comes around. nuff said.

i am getting so tired of my hair sometimes, i think i need to buy either a curling iron or am, what's it called a flat iron cause i'm getting bored of putting it in one but then it's too hot nowadays to wear it open (oh woe is me) maybe i should just cut it off........woah, what just happened there, hmmm, i think i blacked out. (was that my body's unconscious way of shutting down when it heard me mention cutting off my hair?)..........woahhhhh, happened again. how weird.

i feel so very positive about this week that i really, truly hope and pray i can maintain this feeling cause as we all know i am very up and down, and this up and down can be very trying "lemme tell ya!"

so much work to do but i won't even think about it until i step into the office tomorrow morning. i am looking forward to a good night's sleep.

so from sunday i decided to go on an Internet purge, i can get lost looking at page after page of celebrities (i know how shameful, only A-listers tho, lol) and then i am always looking at clothes, as non-materialistic i like to play i am i just laaaves clothes. clothes and shoes sigh*. i have a pair of pants that i honestly wish i could wear every single day, if it weren't for societal pressures i would honestly beat them everyday, everywhere and if they got dirty, wash them hang them out and beat them fresh the next day, what??? chaaaa but what a fashion faux pas being caught in the same outfit twice or close to each other (the horror) stupesssssssss, i think things were better when we all walked around naked. i think i'll take a page outta nef's book though and have a sale, all of these clothes that i don't wear (seeing i go nowhere) and that are taking up space. i don't need the baggage, i can't take any of this ish to the grave and it's time i stepped away once and for all from that self that "watched face" and had to be "branding" it, stupes, i'm so over it!

late night snack? yes plz!

man i am so blessed i wanna like spread my blessings to everyone and help them too to understand their blessings.

sidebar (i just really wish this hair dryer would ping)

but i am going to continue on my internet purge, i used the world wide web to do things i don't want to do, my msn depresses me and i hate checking my email (i mean 150 msgs seriously??? sigh*)

i will just blog and watch online tv until sunday. good luck and God speed.

ping!!!!
holla!!!!!!!!!!!!!

signs and signals

2008-03-25T02:21:00.000-04:00

POSITIVE BLUESIN'...(it's in the attitude dude)
i woke up this morning with the wind blowing in my face
the Lord has blessed me with yet another day, hooray!
in the the kitchen making some brain food
i'm in the mood for a spiritual attitude
today will be one of those "happy go lucky" days
i've cast all my pains away, today...things are brighter than before
God has granted me one more, one more try at getting it right.
Thank you Lord and i'll try not to disappoint.

i had a fantabulous Easter wk-end, great friends, great family, fabulous company i can't complain better yet i shouldn't complain. i am blessed yes! and so thankful to live to see another day. my first Easter back in Barbados did not disappoint and i ate a bit too much yesterday (which i am paying for today) but hey i feel energized, i feel positive and i'm gonna try to spread all i can. feelings like this should not be kept inside.

back to work tomorrow but imma try to have a different attitude, spend less time blogging and more working so i wont have to take any work home this week, uh uh, no way. home should be my place of rest not unease. i plan on getting plenty of sleep this week. no more late nights either. so caught up with myself i didn't even walk the dogs yesterday nor today, shame shame. i will work on that as well, besides i def need the exercise (i think all that food went to my thighs sigh*)

i am so thankful for my friends, i had a few visitors today, i just love entertaining (as long as it doesn't involve me cooking) but i just had a great day and i'm going to sleep happy. who knows what this week will bring me, but i pray for the strength of perseverance, no matter what may come my way i will take it, break it, re-shape it or throw it away. i will not hold onto things that will bring me down and i will try to make more changes.

i am so thankful for my computer that allows me to get all of my feelings and thoughts out especially when i am too lazy to write it. i am thankful for my super cool family and friends, my beautiful animals and i am thankful to live to see another day. i can only ask for like hmmmmm, thousands more.

vanya was here!

'life is too short to be wearing bad outfits!' - sueann

2008-03-20T04:05:00.000-04:00

still up sigh*

i have like 5 reports to write up tomorrow at work, i wish i'd taken the time to finish them this evening but geez it was 6.45 and i was hungry. who stays at their job at that time? i mean seriously?

i have to correct myself, not everything on the radio is bad, 'down to brass tacks' is so much tight tune. that show honestly makes my day and i think i like mr. marshall the best, he just has a way of silencing everyone, and you can always tell when he is so over a caller.....good times

Madonna is an icon, nuff said.

group today was so, what's the word, interesting. i really need to open my mind. i guess because i wasn't born into a life that was filled with hardships i wouldn't understand how the youth, especially young boys, would have the mindset they have. i need to start thinking outside of myself. the thoughts and theories i heard today baffle me to a point of absurdity yet i am very intrigued. they fed off of each other like there was a feeding frenzy, everyone wanting to show the other how much 'badder' they were. all i can say is wow! i thoroughly enjoyed it.

i think i'll go count some sheep

i'm thankful for the days to come......

minipulate the mind shape and get your back ripped

2008-03-19T16:20:00.000-04:00

i am so sleepy, another sleepless night. and i can't say there's anything on my mind really besides the usual but i just couldn't fall into a nice deep slumber. oh woe is me. i think i am becoming a workaholic like my dad and i don't want to become that kinda person. what is it with me bringing work home? working on the wk-ends when i should be liming. i think i spend my time up at night thinking about the work i have to do the next day. if i would learn how to manage my time better i wouldn't have these issues instead of spending my time say, blogging.........lol

i am so looking forward to this long wk-end. i'll try to hit the beach. watch some tv online (who has time for regular tv?) spend some tlc with my dogs, they must really be feeling neglected recently. try to take in some photography. i've really been getting some nice shots recently, but i'd like to get a picture of the sunset (how cliche) but hey, i want it. i think i need to broaden my scope tho, ye nature is nice but i gotta find something that is more original....oh how i wish i'd get a bright idea right now

so how much do i hate listening to the radio? ALOT!!!! how i wish we had some satellite radio up in this joint (oh woe is me) the endless talking and cracking of corny jokes, the varying accents (i mean are we in barbados aren't we?) and the repetition of the same songs over and over, sigh* where is the originality. less reggae more jazz, less commercial rap more neo-rap (i mean like those underground artists are ppl too geez) more trip hop, more something. i mean seriously if i have to hear "with you" one more time i'm gonna puke!!!!! that chris brown is cute though.......

i'm hungry....

i think i'm too naive sometimes and this naivety is causing me now to be so suspicious of everyone, everyone's actions. why can't everyone just be genuine, it's like we are all wearing masks hiding our true selves and we're forced to conform. what would it be like to be in a non-conformist system? i guess at the end of the day i just have to always try to remain true to myself. i am the only person i can count on when it comes to certain things.....

i'm hungry......

1.11 pm, what a weird time, but i should get back to work. this anger management group this evening should be interesting. these young boys have so much anger and are so quick to use their hands and not their minds. opportunities knocking at their door and yet they refuse to answer. i just asked one of my clients, why do you smoke weed? he said to get high, so i was like well why not eat it? you can get high the same way, he was like "chaaa den, i ainno" typical. this notion of "belonging" i feel is what drives people's actions. how foolish would he look if when he went on the block and everyone was smoking he pulled out a turkey sandwich and sprinkled the weed on it instead, lol. he laughed at that, (i think i stil got it!) he laughed but still had no answer for me. so i'm left with the same question.....why smoke?

i'm thankful for today, thankful for life, i'm so blessed and i recognize that more as i grow older and every morning i wake up it's like God is giving me yet another try at getting it right.

thanks.

awake when i should be sleeping...

2008-03-13T20:20:00.000-04:00

i was just talking to a friend of mine and he asked me if i was happy. coincidence....don't know.

graeme - "are you happy?"
me - "happiness is i don't know"
graeme - "happiness is satisfaction......if your satisfaction is based on an unrealistic standard you will never be happy......make the best of what you have and be satisfied"

easier said than done, but i'll take his word for it, he's one of the wisest men i know and i guess he's found it.

i think i realise why i have been so moody today. i haven't slept in 3 days sigh* it's like my mind just won't stop churning, it's going and going even when i'm dreaming so i wake up at 4 a.m. staring at the ceiling......i need some shut eye. some sound rest. i am blessed so why am i so uneasy?

injecting reason where it was absent

2008-03-10T15:28:00.000-04:00

i am too moody, seriously, i really need to work on it, no wonder people look at me sometimes as if i'm crazy lol. i just seem to switch from joyful, to quiet, to touchy, to weepy so fast i sometimes can't even keep up with myself. and granted my good friends have gotten used to me after all this time but what about people who are now getting to know me, who might not get that it's not them, it's me. sigh.

take this morning for instance, this morning i woke up feeling really good but when i got to work i didn't feel like talking to anyone and i wish everyone would stop talking to me for a few hours, not that i'm in a mood or anything i just don't feel like using my voice, lol. i really need a life to think that people will make allowances for when i feel like and don't feel like talking. it's funny but i wish it could happen :)

i have so much work to do it's crazy yo! i am up to my you know what in reports, i feel like i have been eating sleeping and breathing reports, i wish i had this chip in my head that i could connect to my pc so that i would think what i want to write and then the computer types it out for me, spell checks and send it out. (hum......business idea?) as if!

my mother hasn't even called me for the morning dread, imagine that. i'll give her like 3 more mins

food on my mind, what to eat, what to eat?

stay up! (pack light)

2008-03-05T17:19:00.000-04:00

work can really start to suck you dry and i'm feeling it. how can i not? seeing people everyday who have to deal with some circumstances that i could never even imagine. some poverty stricken individuals, individuals with some serious mental problems, chaaa, today it is really affecting me and bringing me down. i know they say you shouldn't take your work home with you but it is hard.

and then working with these kids, that is hard as well. so many of them can't even read, write or spell. some schools that used to be so highly regarded now falling at the wayside. what will become of my children and my children's children. it makes me feel like my generation has failed. we are not setting the examples and providing our future with the resources they need to maintain themselves. we as adults are setting bad examples, living promiscuous lives, no wonder i could have a student ask me about "trunking"....imagine that. what will become of barbados if we are raising illiterate children. back to the plantation?

i have to try to maintain my balance though, i am here for a reason, for a mission, there is a divine reason i was called home. truth be told i'm gonna have to learn how to separate myself from my clients. i guess i was a bit soft anyway. i guess i am gonna have to harden up where they are concerned.

i am thankful though, thankful that i haven't given up hope as yet.....

i'm glad i have Nefertiti in my life

2008-02-28T17:10:00.000-04:00

it is so hot in Barbados! seriously! i mean gosh, just for a lil wind, a lil cold front something, anything. i am sweltering......

today is a pretty quiet day for me, i'll use it as a day for reflection. went to this show on sunday that was so awe inspiring, i wish camesha was here to share it with me, she is one person i know that would totally and completely appreciate the message. africa, africanism. i think i will write a piece on it hmmmmm......

"i feel......to fly......cause i......am looking to the sky......and i can't lie........i.....am.....feeling......high.
i am......a spiritual butterfly.....yes....with straightened hair but that don't make me any less........of an african heir......"

hum...i like, i'll work on that one more this evening. but ye this guy man he was so deep and evoked so many different emotions for me, too much to type, you would've had to be there, but i think the changes he has brought out in me will speak for themselves.

trust is so important in any kind of relationship. nuff said.

i believe in myself and my capabilities, i just have to keep pressing onwards, looking to the sky and try to stay as fly as i possibly can, holla!

more times......

so i could open up my mind

2008-02-25T15:23:00.000-04:00

i feel so lucid, so weak, what is it that is draining me? what is it?

i'm so thankful for yet another week but i'm feeling so tired, tired and sleepy, how i wish i was snuggled in my bed right now. didn't sleep well last night, are my thoughts keeping me awake? i can't run from my mind no matter how hard i try, forcing me to deal with things that i don't even want to deal with or think about. sigh. but i am giving thanks for my mind.

why is it so hard with you? if they all only knew, you're no angel. and the blindfolds are coming off finally. i don't see me with you sometimes.

i know everyone thinks their mother is the best and i guess i can see where they're coming from and all but i have to say my mother is so close to perfection it scares me. yes she is habitually late and claims she knows every single thing under the sun but other than that the things that matter to me, that i would want to come from a mother she has it in abundance. she is loving, kind, appreciative of any little thing, understanding, non-judgmental (which is important seeing the mistakes i've made, lol) she always gave me my room to be myself and to explore and she also trusted me from a young age, so that gave me a comfort of knowing i could come to her anytime about anything and just talk. the things my mum and i talk about, hmmmm, her friends would probably be like "beverley i can't believe you let her say things like that to you" as if! stupes, too bouj if ya ask me. she is just down to earth man, she can hang and she's my kinda chick, straight up. and i love her. she is probably the only person in the world i feel comfortable telling that i love.

i do, i have problems saying those 3 words, and yes i may write on them, poems for days on love and the like, hey, i use my imagination. i imagine when i was in love a time, what it felt like and i put that to paper. i listen to my friends describe how they feel and i put that to paper. i look at life, at the world, people i bump in, chance upon, used to look at people on the train a lot, especially in the train station, trying to draw my energy from them. i would get so many different emotions from just looking at a person or just listening. NY was my haven. trying to find that connection somewhere in bim. it's coming though.....i can feel it.

last week was a tough week for me, but again i am thankful for my trials. Lord, help me to rise above the past and look forward. if it be your will grant me the strength for perseverance.

i am a woman.

restless connections

2008-02-18T04:18:00.000-04:00

i have the flu and it is driving me crazy. gotta give thanks though for the ability to fight it off

it has been proven, once you change your thoughts into more positive thoughts then things around you start to change. last week was so interesting for me, more job opportunities opened up, interviews and the like and now it's like i'm holding all the cards and it feels good. but the big decision comes tomorrow. which job should i take? one that will keep me on my career path? or one that would offer me more money? i know one shouldn't be driven by money but i have to think of my future shouldn't i? i don't know, my mother told me i should take it to God and that's what i'm gonna do. i'm super thankful though.

i think i would love to spend a week by the beach. recently everything has become so confused. it's like i can't stop my mind, physically i'm tired but my mind won't go to sleep. has me up at night.....thinking. i need to find more relaxing ways to relax.

i'm thankful though that i made it through another week. cheers to the one to come.....

i spy something with my little eye

2008-02-11T04:29:00.000-04:00

we are all connected. in some form or fashion we are all woven together. i am meeting people with some of the same thought patterns and ideas as me, shoot, there goes my 'me being unique' frame of mind. but there are all good things. when you find someone you mesh well with and can sit down and create some thought provoking words and theories it's a beautiful thing.

harvest sunday at church yesterday was really nice. (my god-mother's cell phone went off in the middle of the sermon, what was that about?) but the reverend spoke of utilizing the gifts God has given us. the talents. she said a lot of people can see their talent right a way but through laziness refuse to use it, where others are not looking or listening hard enough. got me to thinking....what is mine?

boy is it hard to have good thoughts all the time, i am failing miserably where lent is concerned. last night i was trying to convince myself of the reasons i should try something different, like no meat or s'thing. but that's a quitters attitude.

i am so looking forward to lunch today, yummy, i laves laaaaves to eat. funny enough that is what i usually give up for lent, eating as much, cause i wouldn't be hungry but you could offer me anything i like and it's like "yes please!" gluttonous, stupes. work in progress.

so far i've had a great morning and i am looking forward to a great afternoon.

joyful joyful

2008-02-08T22:13:00.000-04:00

GOD is GREAT!!!!!!! i am so thankful for everything!!!! for life, for food, clothing, shelter, the air i breathe, my mother, in fact my parents all three, lol, my animals, you, all my friends and family. every single thing that comes into my air i am thankful for. i am even thankful for my acne that is flaring up cause it means i am alive and have a face for acne to flare up on.

for lent i decided to give up something that i find i fall into too easily sometimes. i decided to give up gossip, any bad-mindedness or bad thoughts i allowed myself to have, i am not going to get into any malicious talk with anyone or allow myself to use malicious words.....i just want to try to be as positive as i possibly can and spread that positivity so to speak. God is good.

i have been thankful for just about everything so far this wk, you name it i'm thankful for it, my dogs who keep going through the front gate and getting me madddddddd, i am giving thanks for them cause so far they have not been attacked by any other dogs nor have they attacked anyone but they need to learn tho. will work on that.

i am thankful for my job and my ability to work and help people in different situations. and the possibilities that opened for me this week where my career is concerned. thank you God for listening.

i am thankful for my mother, i am in awe of her, she is probably the most non-judgmental and kind hearted person i have ever met and i'm not just saying that because she is my 'beavers' she just is......my everything.

you. i am thankful for you and your patience with me. yes, i will work on my moods...my many moods..

i am thankful for so many things i could honestly sit here and go on and on and on and on.

i will just continue to give thanks and spread my joy to as much people as i can. life is too short, too precious to waste and i wanna stat living and listening more.

for God is all there is and everything else is a lie. now i know.

more times......

introspection

2008-02-05T03:41:00.000-04:00

i think i've figured it out, i've been asking the wrong questions. i need to stop asking God 'why' and start asking 'what'.

what do you want me to do to be a better servant to you?

i will begin tomorrow by giving thanks.

looking for an umbrella to stand under (ella ella)

2008-02-04T18:05:00.000-04:00

ok i feel a lil better today, music and writing are two of the most stress relieving and relaxing exercises i can think of, i got a lot of that done this week-end, so now i feel better and i am hoping this mood carries on into the week.

back to work from today, really enjoyed my time off, time for reflection. what am i doing here? i know i don't like it here, i just don't have the vibes with my co-workers as i had at my last job, that 'looking forward to go to work feeling', that passion and drive? gone. come back, i need it in order to exist here without losing my mind. sigh.

hungry as usual, what should i eat? leftovers yummy! nothing beats food from the day before. i've been trying to stay a way from junkfood so far for the year, so kfc, chefette (i don't even know if that's how it's spelt) and any other junk around the place but chaaaa i would sink my teeth into a thigh from kfc just about now. i was never a chefette person, beef roti and that's it, but kfc wow wee! good stuff. so been yamming some greens (pffftttt) and much more fruit, which i love so that doesn't hurt as much and i drink nothing but water now for the past 4 yrs even though that can get so boring at times gosh, what i wouldn't do for a sprite. actually you know what i'll treat myself to a coke and two sprites today :)

i think my problem is that i don't know what i want. i left here with a plan - deviated of course. came back here with a plan and i think it's still in my suitcase and now i'm here. Here. i am trying to keep the faith and give thanks. i tell myself, maybe my dreams are taking so long to come to fruition cause the lord wants me to learn the art of patience. now i get it. i should look at the lesson in this song.

misconceptions. recently ppl have been getting the wrong idea, is it me? i've been asked why a lot. 'why' u did that? 'why' did u say that? 'why' did you think that? is it me? no matter how nice or genuine you try to be it always comes across in a negative way. frankly i am tired of trying. i know me and i know what i am about and that should be enough.

my poor tom brady, i'm sure he could use my shuolder to cry on just about now, congrats NY.

i would love to open a dog santuary, i've been seeing so many homeless dogs on the road, skin and bones, looking for food in every corner they could find. it is so sad. i mean why have an animal, any animal if you're not going to care for it, it just makes no sense. i could never imagine mine wandering the streets starving. i wish there was more that i could do to help thes animals. maybe i should join a help group.

gossip, stupes, if you haven't heard it from my mouth why believe it. don't you know me?

sending love to my grandparents across the seas........

melancholy days

2008-02-02T02:21:00.000-04:00

i feel, hum....i feel.....down.

sometimes i miss NY so much it hurts, things made so much more sense there, things fell into place so easily, well most of the time and it's like here, i feel like i can't get it right. i try my best to fit in, why? i don't even know myself, i was so sure, so confident and now i feel stagnant.

i miss Jan and i wish she was still here, i guess she may be part of the reason i'm missing NY so much, even though i know she wishes she were here instead (disclaimer: yes yes she is Lucian and she still loves St. Lucia, plz don't disown her) but i guess as she says she finds 'peace' in Barbados.....

.....her peace is my, what's the word, unease i guess. like i am part of this puzzle, i know i am, i just can't find my position in the picture. i can't see where i should lay, where i should plant my seeds. man i wanna plant my seeds so badly, they're burning my hands but where?

i feel down. like a failure, this rat race is sucking me dry, everywhere i look i don't qualify anymore. am i reaching too high? i don't know. prayer. i gotta keep praying but sometimes my own faith fails me. i guess i'm not as strong as i thought i was. but i know i am beautifully made, i just don't believe it enough.

i will pick myself back up though and i will make it, and i will become all i envision myself becoming i just need to recognize HIS time is not my time so i will be patient and i will listen.

i will listen openly.

Jan is so beautiful.......but she doesn't even know chaaa

2008-01-21T15:34:00.000-04:00

errol barrow day, martin luther king day, what phenomenal men to celebrate today, from different worlds, different up-bringings, different families but both black, both passionate and having a drive for the empowerment of black people. FREEDOM! those were the times, sometimes when i read about them i feel as if i am right there, in the heart of everything marching, protesting, living change.

now, hmmmm, to get people together like that chasing one solid purpose? would never happen. we live in a society today whereby we do not look out for our neighbours. like if my neighbour's water is out and mine isn't well tough, it's only when mine goes out that i would be like people we have to do something! lights, camera, action!

inaction. we are all guilty of it, i always convince myself that i want to make changes but my biggest fallacy is not knowing the actual changes i wanna make. not having a game plan. i want a game plan so bad but sometimes i feel so useless.

but i'm proud to be black, proud to be alive to continue to see the fight through, proud to be a Barbadian.

i don't want what i haven't got

2007-12-19T18:42:00.000-04:00

i'm feeling a lil down today :(

i 'm working hard, i mean i really am, hustling, just hustling everyday doing different things for different people and organizations, finally in a work field that is somewhat rewarding and getting paid next to nothing, and most of the time it doesn't get me down but today i am feeling it. especially when i look back at how i've lived my life and especially how independent i was for the past 3 yrs, not that i regret moving back but i just feel down. money, stupes, always about the green, this green paper, better yet green demon. and now i'm torn between making more money or staying in jobs i like. i don't know, i've prayed and i will just continue to seek God and guidance but i am down. on days like these i just feel to curl up in my bed alone with my teddy bear ziggy but i am here today and i have to talk to ppl and i have to socialize when i'm just not feeling it. these are the times my faith gets tested and i guess hey, i'm not as strong as i thought i was.

men are something else, my best friend's dad had 2 minor heart attacks before he had the major one that ultimately took his life and he never told anyone and now my grandfather has had this pain in his back for the past two yrs and never said a word now, he has a hernia. i mean i just don't get it, i know he's getting old and his body will go through changes but when they are situations that u can have some control over and nothing is said man that bites me. i just don't understand. now he has to get surgery at his age 86. and now i'm here and not there to take care of him sigh. that was one of my fears of moving back to barbados, i was like supposed when i go something goes wrong with my grandparents. and everyone knows i have a soft spot for my grandfather. at first i was just so angry with him but i guess i just can't understand how it feels to be him and to become totally and completely dependent on others. i just wish he would've told at least me, we're close, at least i thought so and he couldn't even tell me :( but wah ya could do nah.....

now jouvais. i got her spayed yesterday and now i don't even know if i made the right decision, even though i know its still early but she seems so lethargic and depressed. she's not eating and not moving, it's been yrs since i got a dog spayed so i can't even say i remember how they usually are but i hope by this evening she is in better spirits.

the sun is shining so brightly today but i feel as if a cloud is right over my head

i've been good all year, i swear

2007-12-13T17:28:00.000-04:00

i read something today that made me think.........should i read more? hmmm, i don't like letting people get in my head, worked hard at mastering the art of not letting that happen, yet still....i'm curious. i will think on it.

boy oh boy i can't wait to get my fish sandwich, can we say hungry? my usual morning grapefruit was a major disappointment (thanks auntie esther...for nothing!)

my job is......not fulfilling, yes it is rewarding to be a counsellor and help people, i really do believe this is my life calling but still i don't know, the working environment gets me down i guess. but i have my 5 goals set for 2008 and i have to say i am stoked!

1. grow closer to God
2. launch my business
3. start my charity
4. become more financially stable
5. buy a car (which spills off from 4, hmmm or maybe i should incorporate that into 4 and find a 5th goal, hmmm will think on it)

but there you have it, i have the ground work laid for all of these goals i just have to execute them, easier said than done, one of my biggest weaknesses is that i get easily distracted, i mean so easy it's crazy. i could be like on this road headed to point B then i see some nice flowers along the way and go 'oh look at the pretty flowers' and get lost from there. i need more direction.

we quarreled today, so stupid, i am too zen for minor spats to be honest stupes. however, i will let it go. (let it go before it kills you......let it fall and fade away....just have fun and do what thrills you....please don't waste another day - Morcheeba)
well said.

so jouvais is getting spayed next wk and i am very worried, i lost two of my long time dogs this year and granted i have two new pups i've only had them since i moved back and jouvais well i've grown very attached to her. i will pray for her operation. i entered all 3 in this nation adorable pets competition and they didn't even place, are bajans blind???? i didn't even see one other dog that rivaled my cuties, needless to say i was fairly disturbed.

tick tock...still waiting on my sandwich

ponderisms

2007-12-12T05:27:00.000-04:00

i am on the path of righteousness and it sure does feel good, where are you?

well i must admit, miami was great! i guess the vibes were more positive this time so everything just seemed brighter, like it was a trip in HD. the hardest part i guess was the getting on the plane part, i've been back and forth on planes my whole life and its so strange that now at this age i am developing a fear of flying. it's such an uncomfortable feeling, constantly worrying whether the plane will crash or not, sigh, but i'm working on it. i need to work on it especially if i wanna go to the UK, prayer will push me forward.

looking forward to church on sunday, a good heart felt message always lends to a great week

so i'm gonna get my dog jouvais spayed next week and i'm a lil weary of this, she's a stray i took in like 4 yrs ago and she has never had to get any operations or anything but with two new pups in the yard, and one being her grandson i just don't want any incest-filled activities going on plus she's had two litters and i def think that is enough for her, don't want her body getting worn out but still i'm nervous........

1:21 pm and i haven't had any lunch as well but i got a lot done at work today so that's a plus, i feel good about that

christmas in barbados this year, feeling a lil low about that and i just found out that my grandfather has a hernia and has to have an operation, at his age dread, makes me sad. he is honestly one of the most important people in my life, right up there with my mother honestly and that i'm not there too makes me feel useless. but i know he's a trooper so he'll get thru this in time to see his yankees win the next world series. i'll keep him in my prayers

i have like 140 messages in my hotmail to chk, i just hate chking email now no joke, if i can't tell that it is a personal msg then it just sits there and accumulates yet every time i open my inbox and see so many emails i get depressed cause i just don't wanna delete any either without reading them just in case. tonite during america's next top model finale i will chk it, if i can tear my eyes off the tube of course

ok starting to get hungry, time to call dad :)

been a min........(well more like over a year but no one asked)

2007-12-05T22:05:00.000-04:00

the problem with being imperfect is people still always expect you to perform at a perfect level, i mean, crazy yo, these people....i think they're aliens!!!!

just looking back and totally realised i've neglected this page, what! not cool, so now in my free time i'll do what i laves, LAVES to do most.......talk. (lmao)

here at work waiting for my father, gosh the rain is pouring, this old man in here won't stop talking and i wanna go home. my two pups are at home missing their mommy and in need of some tlc, don't worry babies, moms is on her way!!!!

hmmmm, anything interesting happened today? not really, i have to say it was a lovely day, very quiet, no clients, i was able to work on my writing and my drawing, man oh man, still gotta ways to go

guitar lessons was fun as usual, man, he's cute (what, i ain't blind!) and i officially learnt a song. now alls i need to do is work on my own songs, i remember some years back i was talking about bringing out my album, what a lazy artist i am, when the people are calling me out, hahaha, well not really but hey, they could be. has my singing voice improved since? hmmmm....define improved :)

the fish i had today was splendiferous, i know i should feel bad for nemo, what with him losing his father and all but you taste so guuuud, wow-wee! y did i share it? note to self, be more selfish.

breath mints? check!

going to miami tomorrow, boring......i don't know miami just doesn't do it for me, or maybe i don't go to the right places when i'm there. it's like so fake, i mean seriously, those are your boobs? ye, i'm so sure and u have to drive everywhere, the last time i ws there i saw hmmm, one bus. c'est tout. NY now man oh man, culture for miles, i cud hop on the train, the 1, 2, 3, 4, 5, n, q (my fav) and just blaze to anywhere. go in the village, eat at spice (plugged!) and shop on Broadway, spend money i shud save and catch a play, spoken word nites at the cafe, reggae nights at belmont, sigh....i could go on and on. this is depressing

anyways, where is my father geez? it's after 6.

talk dirty (just listen)

2006-04-23T17:42:00.000-04:00

So it goes I suppose
Trying to lose a shadow (stop stalking me)
Reaching for the unknown
Ye right, nothing in life is easy (just be)
It’s not safe to think anymore
Feeling trapped in the constraints that exist
Exist to maintain “order”
I mean seriously? Look around
Corruption lives in my backyard (yours too)
It breeds on the weak and insufferable
Makes you rethink your mode of thinking
Scars you, cause of your own inaction (lazy)
Can’t hide the shame can you?
Wear it like a tattoo (ye Sade said that too)
Brain dead
Uncommon senses, not accepted, deviating from the norm
Listening, straining to hear life
Nothing, so quiet yet I know, confusion lives on
There’s more, more, more (who doesn’t want it)
It brushes against my body, vapour
A cold wind, a chill
In this cosmically dynamic world
There’s no such thing as a dead end
The abyss of dreams
Like, you just gotta keep walking
Leaving perversion behind, the ugliness (no room)
Ignoring it, it’s not yours to carry, don’t feel guilty
The injustice and unrest, the hate
Did you breed it? Was here in times before
Will be here for time beyond
Death is a cop out isn’t it?
Persecuted for your thoughts, or lack or thinking
It’s like, geez dude which is it?
Indecisive
In the end everyone has lost something (never regained)
It’s like, we’re living so we could die older
Accepting death indeed, but just not now, not yet
Hustling for more, more stress and pain
Happy moments too no doubt
Yet more, taxes and bills some more (begging)
Or whether I’ve made my contribution
The humour of it all, really something
Living so many lives, living lies
Wasting time………
Time never recovered, time mourned for
Timeless
What makes you so special?
Why are you here?
Who has the answers? (it might be out there)
Be still
Maybe it too might brush against your body, vapour
A cold wind, a chill….

good deed gone bad

2005-06-17T11:52:00.000-04:00

so i at lunch the other day and as i'm about to cross the street i see this man in a wheel chair holding a cup, i looked to my aunt and said "here's my good deed for the day" (i try to get in atleast one a day) so i pull out my purse and walk over to the guy, getting ready to put my dollar in the cup and the guy goes "huh?" when i look in de cup now de man got kolade in dere, u believe that, so i dere shame as ever, so i was like "oh my gosh so sorry" he aint homeless atall, and then he goes, "no, i'll take the money" and grab de dollar from my hand!!!! all i cud do was walk long.......

last place

2005-04-15T09:56:00.000-04:00

Why can’t things be simpler? I mean, must there always be so much confusion and uncertainty? True, maybe having things handed on a silver platter all the time might indeed get a lil boring, true, there may be some things you would want handed on a gold platter, accompanied by a lovely gold spoon even. So then why can’t there be a balance, a little good and a little bad to keep the good in check. Am I missing something? I know I’ve got to be missing something. Maybe if I looked up at the sky, ya know, like what those people do before they get a brilliant idea, maybe that might work. Hum…….let me try. Nope, nothing so far, oh shoot, suppose I wasn’t looking up long enough, stupes, I can’t win. I remember in my younger days I couldn’t wait to be this age. I had so many damn plans and now as my birthdays come and go I feel as though I’m running out of time - time to do what though? I obviously not running out of time if I can spend said time looking up in the sky for something, stupes, so I just wasted time then, I can’t win. I remember I always used to feel as though I was running a race but with who though? I guess my friends, people around me, constantly looking at others and making comparisons, they’re always ahead. But then, ha! I developed multiple personalities so I was basically racing my other selves. Aren’t I the smart one? It’s amazing how you could have one personality around one person and then be a totally different person around another. How does one keep it up? I’m bedazzled everything I notice the switch. What is this invisible pressure that forces us to play this game of hide and seek constantly, geez, I already in a race and now this? I can’t win. But maybe I approaching it from the wrong angle though, maybe hmmmm, if I turn my head this way and….look up with my head tilted slightly, yeah, this way, so that now my left eye is closer to the………YUP! There it is, woohoo! I just received a brilliant idea (wow, my brain is faster than ADSL). I should probably stop worrying about my time, take a breather from this race and just accept the fact that somebody always has to be in last place. Hum……which personality will it be though? AHHHHH, I can’t decide….oh the pressure.

these are the good things sandy did

2005-03-31T16:33:00.000-04:00

On my way to work this morning, I was so late, now I see y my aunt likes to leave early, so I there reading my exotic thriller when this Puerto Rican guy and his girl come on de train, cool cool, nothing strange, until I hear him say the words bumbaclot, I was like eh???? Wah he just say, I start to laugh out loud, I know them ppl had to think something was wrong with me but I just found it so funny

Let me tell you bout this exotic tale by Noire that my cousin gave me to read de other day. Now I don't usually read these books but the way I saw her getting on while reading it I have to say I was indeed, intrigued. So I start reading de ting now, y de main character's name is Juicy???? And they got other characters like Flex, G (who is her man and owns a placed called G-Spot, the name of the book by the way), Macaroni, Pananae, Pluto and Moonie, just to name a few. Now ya know from de time ya hear names like that ya can't really expect to be reading deep, thought-provoking stuff, nope straight hood, this book got me dying wid laughter more than anything else, I think I'll stay far away from erotic tales for a while, juicy! Pah, juicy fruit!

i enjoy being a girl better

2005-03-28T15:26:00.000-04:00

So hear dis nonsense now, I get on de train de odda day, got on like 5 sweaters, a jacket, boots, socks, gloves, jeans, de works, cause I freezing, barely drawing up next to this woman to keep warm and just like that, la-de-da, this girl walks onto the train, short short skirt, ugg boots, and a sweater and proceeds to sit and talk and laugh with her friend, boy, it took me all the willpower of Jah not to go over there and knock her senseless, acting like it’s not below zero outside, the nerve!!!!!!!!

Wid dese trains ya cud always tell when there’s a bum in one of the carts, thing does b free and clear of ppl, not that I blame them, you know how poisonous those gases are? and de smell like it permeates the skin and it’s with u for days. So I just stay my from cart next door and watch as ppl step in and step out and then rush over to my cart and go like “DAAAAMMMMMNNNNN!!!!!” hehe

Been a few places since I been here, went to this lounge was really nice, totally looking forward to Sunday night guys. Can’t wait to go somewhere and hear music that reminds me of home……..ahhhhhhhhh.
Watched that movie the other night, million dollar baby, what a wonderful film that was, nearly brought me to tears, and that girl, what’s her name again, am, Hilary Swank right, she’s tite!!!!!

I could totally eat pizza every single day all day, honestly, it just does something to me, it gives me needs

It’s so cold outside and to top it off it’s raining today, and I’m stuck here at work till after 5, stupes, hum…… I wonder if I concentrated really hard and just tried, if I could jus click my heels and get home, oh man, I forgot, I didn’t walk with my red heels today, chaaaa

so who is doing who?

2005-02-08T00:27:00.000-04:00

some ppl are so retarded hear, so today i goin up bet hill and like there's this man to my right that i could let out if i so desired but i was in the flow of my drive and i really didn't feel to, so anyways i drive and gone long bout my business and all of a sudden de man appears beside me, and this follows:
man - "you know how to change a tire?"
me - (with a rather bewildered look) "no"
man - "ha, i glad das wah u get for not letting me out"

then speeds and goes on his merry way. in one word "BERR!!!!" ya gotta see the crack and leave the crack hear!

i think everybody that went to carnival is a total loser, hum.....i wonder if any of them contributed to the tsunami fund instead of flying all over the c'bean wukkin-up! (however, secretly i wish i was there wukkn-up as well)

is that all there is?

2005-02-02T00:32:00.000-04:00

so y would i have a dream about the great brian lara kidnapping me along with 8 other ppl and then killing us one by one? isn't that just like the weirdest thing? even though i would have to admit there is something rather exciting about the thought of being kidnapped by him.....he's interesting.

the weather down here is just doing its own ting nowadays boy, barely but wukking-up in me, tell me y as a youth in the c'bean i would be wearing socks in bed nah? socks as well as being under a comforter and got de sheet all up under my chin and huddling in a corner of my bed, hehe, cold as wah outside boy

so carnival is here and everyone is talking bout it all over their stupid faces, like hello, some of us are trying to read our bibles over here!!!!! geez, i hope they know that jesus can c ya in t'dad, so ef i were them i would go over there and just clap my hands

so what will i do tomorrow nah? boy i smell excitement coming up, wake-up, shit (lol, i could hear my mother laffing at that one all now) and watch tv, fun fun fun, i need ajob

so here's a joke: what's green and smells like pork? kermit's finger. ha. i kill me!!!!!
i miss my jammy

of all the houses in this town you chose mine

2004-12-12T01:37:00.000-04:00

trust me to have a grasshopper with an identity crisis. why is it that for the passt week we have had a freaking grasshopper in the house, moving from room to room mekking de world of noise. Grasshopper - jumping and chirping insect of sub-order Saltatoria.........soooooooooo, why are u in my house????? shouldn't u be like outside being eaten by a frog or something, aren't the knicks or somebody playing, gosh go outside man. you may wonder y i don't just kill it. well, this answer is threefold, (1) why kill one of gods creatures (2) green used to be my favourite colour and (3) i am so completely scared of the thing dread, i mean cause it could like totally pounce on my at any given time rite and that ain't cool. so yes, i am a prisoner to the hopper :(

black boys on mopeds

2004-12-01T01:24:00.000-04:00

now i am telling you, if i don't get these puppies outta here i am gonna blow something!!!!!! where i get these devil pups from i don't know but if by thursday dem ain't get no owners i sorry but is de streets fa dem, yeah man, you doubt me

meanwhile "ele" was sweet den, i mean, i had a ball, had on ma dancing gym shoes, exercised before ah left home so i was ready like freddy, and my man ele, didn't disppoint, went wid melly, shelly and ally, sorry kelly ain't mek ele, but maybe next toss, but it was great, for shitey my whitey

how cold is outside nowadays though, maybe santa claus is coming to the caribbean this year

sinead o'connor's music so does it for me

it's not the size that matters

2004-11-26T05:13:00.000-04:00

trust mel to be doing a promotion where she encounters a securtiy guard from hell. hear tune, so this man keep talking and talking to mel, before she tell him from the start that "hey dude, u know what, i'm not interested ya know" she keep on talking back and smiling sweetly, so when he come today and reason he wanna borrow some money to buy some books y is she surprized???? de man basically think wunna is friends and what do friends do for each other, help them out when they need a hand duh!!!! so now when she says no, de man get vex vex ya know, lol, talking bout, and i quote "wait, y u gein on so, u like u is one a dem sorta girls ya" (when i hear this i deading ya know, cause she doing his voice real good) "i gun leff u alone boah" LOLOLOL. so now later on in de day after he done tell her he done comin round her cause she like she weird he gan still approach her and ask and i quote again "wah wrong wid you that u watching me? everytime everytime i look up i c you staring at me!" people, u would have to hear mel doing his voice to really get it, it is so funny that just typing bout it bringing tears to me eyes, the world is made up of many types..

in related news, so i gone to the laundry today cause ya know with this weather risking putting ya clothes on de line a a no no, so see me walking up supercentre stairs now n dese fellas at de top of de stairs gan reason "wait, ya mean ya can't clean, cook and now ya can't wash?". so in my lil voice i reason, "like hello, have u SEEN the weather recently, i can't get anything done" and they're like yeah waeva we ain't hearing u, ya can't wash plain n simple, n then it hit me, i don't know these ppl, y am i hear talking to them in the beginning, gotta go back on my medication ya!

bout these puppies from hell, i swear i gan give one of dem a choke slam sometime soon ya know, it's like they think i'm they're bitch, which i can't blame them for cause eveytime they cry i does b running outside, but now they taking it to another level, and oh baby, it's on!!!! crying crying if they want attention, crying if they want to be moved, crying so that i could come running out n then they get in their lil corner and laff at me, but you wait boy, i got a lil something planned called kitty cat!!!!!