Sunday, March 30, 2008

waiting for my 'exhale' moment

" If you're searching for a place you know,
a familiar face, somewhere to go
You should look inside yourself
You're halfway there

Sometimes you'll laugh
Sometimes you'll cry
Life never tells us, the when's or why's"

Whitney Houston

sometimes you make me feel so poor. the things that i hold as the riches of life seem not to matter to you (you know those boring things like fearing God, respect, unconditional love, honesty). don't get caught sacrificing your soul and dignity for money, for inheritance. cause the richest man could have the sickest soul and end up alone.

i am waiting for my exhale moment, to just breathe and breathe easy, sometimes i feel so empty, but only emotionally cause i know i am rich in spirit and intellectualism and i love it and i love myself.

i need to get my business off the ground, it's so easy to get caught up in other people's's time i started living my dreams and seeing them through. i got dreams and ideas come through the seams. so imma do me!

thank you for individualism.......

Friday, March 28, 2008

Joy Division (finish strong!)

all the riches in the world
all the diamonds and the pearls
all the 'bling bling' don't mean a thing
if you ain't got God dwelling.....
big house, cars and money ain't the way to my heart
Brotha, you gotta come mo'betta, fresha', most deafa'
let the rhythm get ya......(haha)
you gotta woo me with a honest soul
a boatload of monogamy and an arsenal of modesty
R-E-S-P-E-C-T like sista Aretha
Brotha, you gotta be sexy spiritual, teasing intellectual
and a bellyful of wonderful.....then we could spar
get it star?

thank you....

we made it oh joy, thank you for life and it's amenities.

i am looking forward to a productive and balanced week-end, spending time with you but on my turf, had to flip the script and turn the page on this drama.

i don't know who this woman is but did i hear my mother mention getting another dog? what would that be 4? granted nicky spends all of her time elsewhere but still, crazy yo! what will i name this one?

i am proud of my students from Welches primary, they are so talented and gifted man, i hope they realize the gifts they've been given and USE them, how i hope they'd use them, don't waste them, they're those who don't have.

on my way to a meeting now......thank you for the courage to write my feelings no matter who is listening. i'm not ashamed and i'm only human. beautifully imperfect and i love it.

more times.....

i'm nobody's girl but somebody's WOMAN

let's go back to the beginning
just friends, depending on each other as friends do
non-judgmental, easy, before things got crazy
and we crashed into something
let's go back to the start
when it was smooth as jazz, as poetic as the guitar
mellow as the saxophone and powerful as the trombone
and we were uncomplicated.

thank you....

had a nice walk with the dogs today, note to self do not walk alone with an ipod on lonely streets. anybody could grab me oh loss, no bosie.

i've made a few changes to my goals for 2008. i want to make more contributions to my home. i have lagged a bit since i been back and my one dream would be to have the capacity to help my mother complete her dream house, after all this time it's not finished. but i admire her though, she's doing it alone (well with help from me where i can) and she hasn't given up as yet. she's my rock and a living example. and she's beautiful.

i am a superwoman and i love God. nuff said.

God is waiting for you (me too) what are you waiting for? in the beginning you sang another tune, now, i'm not sure i know you. the lures of the world can trap you, gotta stay strong and elevate your mind above the material....

i need a new muse. something/someone who can take me higher. how i miss camesha. been hearing some lyrical birds down here man, wow, good stuff. gotta keep my ears to the ground for more. i like it hardcore. maybe someday i'll wax poetic outside of my comfort zone.

i am thankful for feeling better today than i did yesterday.....

Thursday, March 27, 2008

it's all about the kick/push

“I’m a new soul, I came to this strange world hoping I could learn a bit about how to give and take. But since I came here felt the joy and the fear, finding myself making every possible mistake.” - Yael Naim

Mac ads rule!!!!!!!
besides the fact that i just love that song the words make sense to me. i've always been a taker, a taker and a leaver. one of the hardest things i ever had to do was to become a giver, an unconditional giver. giving even when i know sometimes it's in vain. i ask myself a lot, why me? why now? why? but why not me? if not now when? why not? i can never learn by sitting on the sidelines. gotta get in the game and participate.

just when i think i'm making progress reality comes to slow me down, why do i let the words of ignorant people affect me. the push effect. sigh* the push effect. words are just words, insults are taken and not given. i need to stop giving words power. i know who i am, i believe in myself and i will weather the storm, with or without you.

i was so sick today, had to leave work early, i don't understand why. what did i eat last night again? note to self, cut down on the late night snacks.

that girl from the flashing lights music video...wa wow! her body is sick wicked, from here on out i will try to get as bodied as she is, i mean seriously, it's wicked.

i am so thankful for the strength to get past my stomach flu, yes i did not get to be as productive as i would've liked to be today and yes i missed group but i won't let that get in the way of my goal of having a great week. i have a few more days to go and nothing is gonna stop me.

i forgot to feed the dogs today, shameful.

something is off, i can sense it. do i care to find out? i think i will just let life take it's course. nuff said.

i am thankful for mornings....

Wednesday, March 26, 2008

knowing is growing

Love is you in the morning looking back at me
giving me the strength to be all i envision spiritually
Love is you in the harmony of this melody
Love is you speaking to me with you heart,
I can hear every beat in the music of my feet.
And I wanna dance, I wanna shout, I wanna let everyone know what this good feeling in my soul is all about. It’s about the God in my heart and the love that pumps breaths into me, it’s about you.

It’s about you....thank you.

i finally finished the album i started back in 2004 phew! now all i have to tackle is world peace.

i had such a beautiful day today, my students were excellent, my clients were talkative and willing and work was just fine. i am blessed with so many ummm, blessings that sometimes i just can't find the words to say :)

what goes around comes around. nuff said.

i am getting so tired of my hair sometimes, i think i need to buy either a curling iron or am, what's it called a flat iron cause i'm getting bored of putting it in one but then it's too hot nowadays to wear it open (oh woe is me) maybe i should just cut it off........woah, what just happened there, hmmm, i think i blacked out. (was that my body's unconscious way of shutting down when it heard me mention cutting off my hair?)..........woahhhhh, happened again. how weird.

i feel so very positive about this week that i really, truly hope and pray i can maintain this feeling cause as we all know i am very up and down, and this up and down can be very trying "lemme tell ya!"

so much work to do but i won't even think about it until i step into the office tomorrow morning. i am looking forward to a good night's sleep.

so from sunday i decided to go on an Internet purge, i can get lost looking at page after page of celebrities (i know how shameful, only A-listers tho, lol) and then i am always looking at clothes, as non-materialistic i like to play i am i just laaaves clothes. clothes and shoes sigh*. i have a pair of pants that i honestly wish i could wear every single day, if it weren't for societal pressures i would honestly beat them everyday, everywhere and if they got dirty, wash them hang them out and beat them fresh the next day, what??? chaaaa but what a fashion faux pas being caught in the same outfit twice or close to each other (the horror) stupesssssssss, i think things were better when we all walked around naked. i think i'll take a page outta nef's book though and have a sale, all of these clothes that i don't wear (seeing i go nowhere) and that are taking up space. i don't need the baggage, i can't take any of this ish to the grave and it's time i stepped away once and for all from that self that "watched face" and had to be "branding" it, stupes, i'm so over it!

late night snack? yes plz!

man i am so blessed i wanna like spread my blessings to everyone and help them too to understand their blessings.

sidebar (i just really wish this hair dryer would ping)

but i am going to continue on my internet purge, i used the world wide web to do things i don't want to do, my msn depresses me and i hate checking my email (i mean 150 msgs seriously??? sigh*)

i will just blog and watch online tv until sunday. good luck and God speed.


Tuesday, March 25, 2008

signs and signals

POSITIVE BLUESIN'...(it's in the attitude dude)
i woke up this morning with the wind blowing in my face
the Lord has blessed me with yet another day, hooray!
in the the kitchen making some brain food
i'm in the mood for a spiritual attitude
today will be one of those "happy go lucky" days
i've cast all my pains away, today...things are brighter than before
God has granted me one more, one more try at getting it right.
Thank you Lord and i'll try not to disappoint.

i had a fantabulous Easter wk-end, great friends, great family, fabulous company i can't complain better yet i shouldn't complain. i am blessed yes! and so thankful to live to see another day. my first Easter back in Barbados did not disappoint and i ate a bit too much yesterday (which i am paying for today) but hey i feel energized, i feel positive and i'm gonna try to spread all i can. feelings like this should not be kept inside.

back to work tomorrow but imma try to have a different attitude, spend less time blogging and more working so i wont have to take any work home this week, uh uh, no way. home should be my place of rest not unease. i plan on getting plenty of sleep this week. no more late nights either. so caught up with myself i didn't even walk the dogs yesterday nor today, shame shame. i will work on that as well, besides i def need the exercise (i think all that food went to my thighs sigh*)

i am so thankful for my friends, i had a few visitors today, i just love entertaining (as long as it doesn't involve me cooking) but i just had a great day and i'm going to sleep happy. who knows what this week will bring me, but i pray for the strength of perseverance, no matter what may come my way i will take it, break it, re-shape it or throw it away. i will not hold onto things that will bring me down and i will try to make more changes.

i am so thankful for my computer that allows me to get all of my feelings and thoughts out especially when i am too lazy to write it. i am thankful for my super cool family and friends, my beautiful animals and i am thankful to live to see another day. i can only ask for like hmmmmm, thousands more.

vanya was here!

Thursday, March 20, 2008

'life is too short to be wearing bad outfits!' - sueann

still up sigh*

i have like 5 reports to write up tomorrow at work, i wish i'd taken the time to finish them this evening but geez it was 6.45 and i was hungry. who stays at their job at that time? i mean seriously?

i have to correct myself, not everything on the radio is bad, 'down to brass tacks' is so much tight tune. that show honestly makes my day and i think i like mr. marshall the best, he just has a way of silencing everyone, and you can always tell when he is so over a caller.....good times

Madonna is an icon, nuff said.

group today was so, what's the word, interesting. i really need to open my mind. i guess because i wasn't born into a life that was filled with hardships i wouldn't understand how the youth, especially young boys, would have the mindset they have. i need to start thinking outside of myself. the thoughts and theories i heard today baffle me to a point of absurdity yet i am very intrigued. they fed off of each other like there was a feeding frenzy, everyone wanting to show the other how much 'badder' they were. all i can say is wow! i thoroughly enjoyed it.

i think i'll go count some sheep

i'm thankful for the days to come......

Wednesday, March 19, 2008

minipulate the mind shape and get your back ripped

i am so sleepy, another sleepless night. and i can't say there's anything on my mind really besides the usual but i just couldn't fall into a nice deep slumber. oh woe is me. i think i am becoming a workaholic like my dad and i don't want to become that kinda person. what is it with me bringing work home? working on the wk-ends when i should be liming. i think i spend my time up at night thinking about the work i have to do the next day. if i would learn how to manage my time better i wouldn't have these issues instead of spending my time say,

i am so looking forward to this long wk-end. i'll try to hit the beach. watch some tv online (who has time for regular tv?) spend some tlc with my dogs, they must really be feeling neglected recently. try to take in some photography. i've really been getting some nice shots recently, but i'd like to get a picture of the sunset (how cliche) but hey, i want it. i think i need to broaden my scope tho, ye nature is nice but i gotta find something that is more original....oh how i wish i'd get a bright idea right now

so how much do i hate listening to the radio? ALOT!!!! how i wish we had some satellite radio up in this joint (oh woe is me) the endless talking and cracking of corny jokes, the varying accents (i mean are we in barbados aren't we?) and the repetition of the same songs over and over, sigh* where is the originality. less reggae more jazz, less commercial rap more neo-rap (i mean like those underground artists are ppl too geez) more trip hop, more something. i mean seriously if i have to hear "with you" one more time i'm gonna puke!!!!! that chris brown is cute though.......

i'm hungry....

i think i'm too naive sometimes and this naivety is causing me now to be so suspicious of everyone, everyone's actions. why can't everyone just be genuine, it's like we are all wearing masks hiding our true selves and we're forced to conform. what would it be like to be in a non-conformist system? i guess at the end of the day i just have to always try to remain true to myself. i am the only person i can count on when it comes to certain things.....

i'm hungry......

1.11 pm, what a weird time, but i should get back to work. this anger management group this evening should be interesting. these young boys have so much anger and are so quick to use their hands and not their minds. opportunities knocking at their door and yet they refuse to answer. i just asked one of my clients, why do you smoke weed? he said to get high, so i was like well why not eat it? you can get high the same way, he was like "chaaa den, i ainno" typical. this notion of "belonging" i feel is what drives people's actions. how foolish would he look if when he went on the block and everyone was smoking he pulled out a turkey sandwich and sprinkled the weed on it instead, lol. he laughed at that, (i think i stil got it!) he laughed but still had no answer for me. so i'm left with the same question.....why smoke?

i'm thankful for today, thankful for life, i'm so blessed and i recognize that more as i grow older and every morning i wake up it's like God is giving me yet another try at getting it right.


Thursday, March 13, 2008

awake when i should be sleeping...

i was just talking to a friend of mine and he asked me if i was happy. coincidence....don't know.

graeme - "are you happy?"
me - "happiness is i don't know"
graeme - "happiness is satisfaction......if your satisfaction is based on an unrealistic standard you will never be happy......make the best of what you have and be satisfied"

easier said than done, but i'll take his word for it, he's one of the wisest men i know and i guess he's found it.

i think i realise why i have been so moody today. i haven't slept in 3 days sigh* it's like my mind just won't stop churning, it's going and going even when i'm dreaming so i wake up at 4 a.m. staring at the ceiling......i need some shut eye. some sound rest. i am blessed so why am i so uneasy?

Monday, March 10, 2008

injecting reason where it was absent

i am too moody, seriously, i really need to work on it, no wonder people look at me sometimes as if i'm crazy lol. i just seem to switch from joyful, to quiet, to touchy, to weepy so fast i sometimes can't even keep up with myself. and granted my good friends have gotten used to me after all this time but what about people who are now getting to know me, who might not get that it's not them, it's me. sigh.

take this morning for instance, this morning i woke up feeling really good but when i got to work i didn't feel like talking to anyone and i wish everyone would stop talking to me for a few hours, not that i'm in a mood or anything i just don't feel like using my voice, lol. i really need a life to think that people will make allowances for when i feel like and don't feel like talking. it's funny but i wish it could happen :)

i have so much work to do it's crazy yo! i am up to my you know what in reports, i feel like i have been eating sleeping and breathing reports, i wish i had this chip in my head that i could connect to my pc so that i would think what i want to write and then the computer types it out for me, spell checks and send it out. ( idea?) as if!

my mother hasn't even called me for the morning dread, imagine that. i'll give her like 3 more mins

food on my mind, what to eat, what to eat?

Wednesday, March 05, 2008

stay up! (pack light)

work can really start to suck you dry and i'm feeling it. how can i not? seeing people everyday who have to deal with some circumstances that i could never even imagine. some poverty stricken individuals, individuals with some serious mental problems, chaaa, today it is really affecting me and bringing me down. i know they say you shouldn't take your work home with you but it is hard.

and then working with these kids, that is hard as well. so many of them can't even read, write or spell. some schools that used to be so highly regarded now falling at the wayside. what will become of my children and my children's children. it makes me feel like my generation has failed. we are not setting the examples and providing our future with the resources they need to maintain themselves. we as adults are setting bad examples, living promiscuous lives, no wonder i could have a student ask me about "trunking"....imagine that. what will become of barbados if we are raising illiterate children. back to the plantation?

i have to try to maintain my balance though, i am here for a reason, for a mission, there is a divine reason i was called home. truth be told i'm gonna have to learn how to separate myself from my clients. i guess i was a bit soft anyway. i guess i am gonna have to harden up where they are concerned.

i am thankful though, thankful that i haven't given up hope as yet.....